Thursday Morning Monologue - June 30, 2011

Can I interest you in some Thursday? How about a series of jokes? COMMENCE FRIVOLITY!

So, a judge in California just garnished Charlie Sheen's wages for child support. How much? Only $55,000 per month. Guess therapy can get pretty expensive, huh?

Last week, a man pretended to be a soldier returning from overseas so that he could get a free upgrade to first class on an American Airlines flight. After discovering the ruse, the airline offered him another free first class fight to Kabul. One way, of course.

The Pope started tweeting this week, and frankly I'm amazed at how much the Vatican apparently wants me to have an iPadd for fereee no cost clik here!!!! Also, he's retweeting a lot from @TheRealJC (Verified).

This week Newsweek ran a front page story on what Lady Diana would be like if she were still alive at age 50. I don't know what she'd be up to, but I think I might have figured out why people aren't reading Newsweek anymore. Way to go, Tina Brown.

In financial news, Bank of America is close to issuing a settlement to its investors for $8.5 billion. That would be a hell of a Community Chest card. Maybe it will be in the new "Colossal F*ck-Up" edition of Monolopy™ coming out this year. Just in time for the second recession!

Liz Taylor's jewelry has gone out on tour in preparation for sale at auction. Well, it looks like Michael Jackson really is dead, or else this would have smoked him out.

A recent poll found that Republican voters are unhappy with their choices in the Presidential primary. How shocking that Republican voters are unhappy. They're usually such a mellow, Zen-like group of folks.

And finally, Google is in beta testing for a new social network meant to "out-Facebook" Facebook. A spokesman for the company explained the new venture, saying, "we're way better at selling your personal data. Always have been, always will be. Now, who wants video chat?!"

That's it for me for the week! I've done better, certainly, but it's free, so... anyway, come back tomorrow for Spencer Hicks! And have a great day!