Are you ready for some observations about current events taken out of context with some stuff made up? No? Well, you've got about ten more words before you have to be. How about now?
In Mexico, authorities revealed recently that gangs are now stealing fuel, because apparently it's more lucrative than cocaine. That might also explain the sudden number of drive-by shooting linked to Chevron.
In entertainment news, Russel Brand has been invited to join the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, which means he gets to vote on oscars. And you thought democracy worked...
In Belgrade, boozy chenteuse and death-defier Amy Winehouse was booed offstage after drunkenly slurring through several songs and just generally sucking. The audience was denied a refund, however, as the tickets clearly indicated Amy Winehouse would be performing.
In Russia, Human rights activist Yelena Bonner died at the age of 88 after a long illness. A heartbroken Vladimir Putin issued a statement expressing his regret that he never got around to killing her while she was alive.
In political sporting news, President Obama and Speaker Boehner teamed up for a charity benefit golf tournament. Unfortunately they didn't get to play, as Senator McConnell filibustered the entire tournament.
In molestation news, the Vatican set up a help center to assist children and adults abused by members of the clergy. That's a great step, but how about a "don't sexually assault people" center, too?
In her new memoir, Bristol Palin describes losing her virginity on camping trip after having too many wine coolers in what may be the least surprising story of sex ever written. If she hasn't had any sex since then, then Ms. Palin has a real case to lay claim to the title of "Most Hackneyed Vagina." Good luck, Bristol!
Lastly, in a related story, a recent medical study found that only 24% of high school students drink soda regularly, down from 29% two years ago. Apparently kids are finding better mixers for cheap whiskey than we did. Time marches on. Or at least stumbles drunkenly.
That's all! Go forth and have a great day! See you tomorrow, kiddos!
Now that's a statuette I'd like to see!
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