The tax-evasion trial began yesterday for fashion design firm Dolce & Gabbana. They're expected to fill next season with some truly gorgeous penalty fees.
J.C. Penney's management decided to add 40,000 mannequins to stores across the country in an effort to trick people into thinking someone is shopping at J.C. Penney.
The Pope just got his own Twitter account: @pontifex. Not to be confused with @pontifsex, the Vatican City's only "adult toy" shop and @expontif, the feed run by the ghost of Pope John Paul II.
Also there's @pontifrex, the Pope's dog.
It's the twentieth anniversary of text messaging! Finnish engineer Matti Makkonen created the technology, and used it to send the first SMS: "Yo girl, you still up?"
A woman in Georgia found a nose ring in her daughter's breakfast burrito at McDonald's. She was upset, as she had specifically asked for a lip ring.
Greece began buying back its bonds this week, sparking protests across the nation as people realized the government was spending so much money to buy something utterly worthless as Greek debt.
A girl at Sea World got bitten by a dolphin this weekend. So now we'll have to worry about Weredolphins. I just hope Stephanie Meyer doesn't hear about this.
And finally, a study found that one in three U.S. consumers would consider a mortgage from Wal-Mart, but would tell their friends they got it at Target.
That's all!
Showing posts with label texting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label texting. Show all posts
Monday, December 3, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - September 10, 2012
Hey, sorry. Stepped outside to take the trash out, and wouldn't you know I left my keys inside. I've been locked out all week. Did anything happen? Oh, man. Okay, let's get back to this.
Clint Eastwood tried to explain his bizarre speech at the Republican National Convention by saying that talking to an empty chair was no different than his experience acting alongside Justin Timberlake.
Over the weekend, a tornado touched down in Brooklyn and Queens, New York, because Manhattan is too crowded and expensive.
Steven Tyler was spotted on a nude beach in Maui, or else someone captured an old dried up jellyfish and shoved it on the end of a broomstick.
Rev. Jesse Jackson said that his son, recuperating from psychiatric treatment, shouldn't rush back to Congress. Instead, Rev. Jackson suggested his son do something more useful with his time. Like Sudoku.
Zoologists in San Diego were able to determine the gender of panda cub this week. They asked the panda how it was feeling, and after half an hour... wonk, wonk, wonk. Ladies like to talk about their feelings!
The Syrian government criticized France's decision to support Syrian rebels, saying that France was undermining the U.N. envoy, which is ridiculous because the envoy is already useless.
Tennessee and AT&T are teaming up for testing a 911 text service, so you can send for help and cause a car accident at the same time.
And finally, a Los Angeles court ruled that the city cannot confiscate and destroy homeless people's belongings without just cause. The city vowed to appeal the decision in the case of "City of Los Angeles v. Human Decency."
That's all for now. But I bet more stuff will need to be made fun of tomorrow.
Clint Eastwood tried to explain his bizarre speech at the Republican National Convention by saying that talking to an empty chair was no different than his experience acting alongside Justin Timberlake.
Over the weekend, a tornado touched down in Brooklyn and Queens, New York, because Manhattan is too crowded and expensive.
Steven Tyler was spotted on a nude beach in Maui, or else someone captured an old dried up jellyfish and shoved it on the end of a broomstick.
Rev. Jesse Jackson said that his son, recuperating from psychiatric treatment, shouldn't rush back to Congress. Instead, Rev. Jackson suggested his son do something more useful with his time. Like Sudoku.
Zoologists in San Diego were able to determine the gender of panda cub this week. They asked the panda how it was feeling, and after half an hour... wonk, wonk, wonk. Ladies like to talk about their feelings!
The Syrian government criticized France's decision to support Syrian rebels, saying that France was undermining the U.N. envoy, which is ridiculous because the envoy is already useless.
Tennessee and AT&T are teaming up for testing a 911 text service, so you can send for help and cause a car accident at the same time.
And finally, a Los Angeles court ruled that the city cannot confiscate and destroy homeless people's belongings without just cause. The city vowed to appeal the decision in the case of "City of Los Angeles v. Human Decency."
That's all for now. But I bet more stuff will need to be made fun of tomorrow.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 12, 2011
Welcome to your Tuesday, my friends. Did you eat your peas yet? If you didn't, it probably means you want America to default on its debts. Boo to that. Booooooo. But yay for jokes!
After recent storms in Chicago, over 800,000 people were left without power. So they had to cook their sausages and listen to the Cubs lose in the dark, like animals. I assume that's what happens in Chicago. Everyone sits around eating sausage and watching the Cubs. Right?
In other sausage news, I mean sporting news, Russian cyclist and consanant-enthusiast Alexandr Kolobnev failed a drug screening while racing in the Tour de France. A visibly angered Kolobnev said "I knew that damn Armstrong pissed in my water bottle!" But no one understood him on account of his silly accent.
Back in America, many Sprint users were unable to send or receive text messages yesterday, making it that much harder for politicians to end their careers.
In news of the Internet, superfine actress Mila Kunis will be attending a formal dance with Marine Corps Sergeant Scott Moore after seeing a YouTube video posted by Sgt. Moore where he asked Ms. Kunis to go to the dance as his date. Settle down, sweaty Internet nerds. It only works if you're in the Marine Corps, and HALO doesn't count.
Do you guys watch Pawn Stars? You do? I'm actually surprised. Well, then you might enjoy this joke. Recently, one of the stars of the show, Corey "Big Hoss" Harrison lost 115lbs. The secret? It turns out his fat is a collectible. They just sucked it right out and sold it for a mint!
That was gross. Sorry about that.
Speaking of mint, the world's newest country, South Sudan, unveiled its new currency this week, the South Sudan Pound. In a related story, Glenn Beck is already pitching for a South Sudanese cash for gold company.
In Kendal, England, an owl flew into a woman's window, leaving the perfect image of the creature on the glass. Local birdwatchers suspect the owl probably got drunk at the Harry Potter premier party and flew off. That's why it's always important to stick with your wingman.
And finally, 22 people were arrested in Turkey this week in connection to a Football (soccer) match-fixing scam. The police became suspicious after some bizarrely high scoring matches. Seriously, 3 - nil? You expect anyone to believe that actually happens in soccer?
Three sports jokes, and only one involved steroids! How about that?
Anyway, that's all you get for now. But there's more later! Tomorrow, in fact! Come see us then.
And have a great day!
After recent storms in Chicago, over 800,000 people were left without power. So they had to cook their sausages and listen to the Cubs lose in the dark, like animals. I assume that's what happens in Chicago. Everyone sits around eating sausage and watching the Cubs. Right?
In other sausage news, I mean sporting news, Russian cyclist and consanant-enthusiast Alexandr Kolobnev failed a drug screening while racing in the Tour de France. A visibly angered Kolobnev said "I knew that damn Armstrong pissed in my water bottle!" But no one understood him on account of his silly accent.
Back in America, many Sprint users were unable to send or receive text messages yesterday, making it that much harder for politicians to end their careers.
In news of the Internet, superfine actress Mila Kunis will be attending a formal dance with Marine Corps Sergeant Scott Moore after seeing a YouTube video posted by Sgt. Moore where he asked Ms. Kunis to go to the dance as his date. Settle down, sweaty Internet nerds. It only works if you're in the Marine Corps, and HALO doesn't count.
Do you guys watch Pawn Stars? You do? I'm actually surprised. Well, then you might enjoy this joke. Recently, one of the stars of the show, Corey "Big Hoss" Harrison lost 115lbs. The secret? It turns out his fat is a collectible. They just sucked it right out and sold it for a mint!
That was gross. Sorry about that.
Speaking of mint, the world's newest country, South Sudan, unveiled its new currency this week, the South Sudan Pound. In a related story, Glenn Beck is already pitching for a South Sudanese cash for gold company.
In Kendal, England, an owl flew into a woman's window, leaving the perfect image of the creature on the glass. Local birdwatchers suspect the owl probably got drunk at the Harry Potter premier party and flew off. That's why it's always important to stick with your wingman.
And finally, 22 people were arrested in Turkey this week in connection to a Football (soccer) match-fixing scam. The police became suspicious after some bizarrely high scoring matches. Seriously, 3 - nil? You expect anyone to believe that actually happens in soccer?
Three sports jokes, and only one involved steroids! How about that?
Anyway, that's all you get for now. But there's more later! Tomorrow, in fact! Come see us then.
And have a great day!
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