September 24, 2015: Let's See the Birther Certificate

Remember that guy who jacked up the price on a 62-year-old toxoplasmosis drug from $13.50 to $750 per pill? Yeah, Donald Trump just called him "disgusting" and "a disgrace," which may be a condemnation or an indication that Trump plans to hire him.

Speaking of Trump speaking, he also said that the birther movement started with Hillary Clinton. He went on to say it was her idea for him to start put his name on all his buildings in giant letters, say creepy things about how hot his daughter is, and to way over-use the word 'huge' in conversation.

The U.S. Department of Defense revealed that fingerprint files for 5.6 million people were stolen in a recent data breach. A spokesman for the Chinese government said "No, it wasn't nearly that many people," adding "I mean, 'no we didn't.'"

Here's something weird. The Dalai Lama said that he thinks it's possible for there to be a female Dalai Lama, although she would have to be "very, very attractive." It's possible he was confusing "Dalai Lama" with "meteorologist on a Spanish language morning show."

Or he's just fucking with us. When you've been reincarnated that many times, you probably develop all sorts of hyper-specific inside jokes that only your previous incarnations get. Kinda like reading this blog from the beginning.

Former University of Oklahoma football player Marcus Dupree revealed recently that when he was recruited by colleges in the early 1980s, one of them offered him an oil well as a signing bonus. Because everyone knows how much college kids love their oil wells. They'd much rather have some mineral rights than a shiny Corvette filled with hookers made out of cocaine. Duh.

Former penal colony Australia is set to deny entry to former singer Chris Brown over his history of violence. Australia, the country whose national bird is a punch in the teeth, has said "no" to Chris Brown. The continent where kangaroos and koalas get into bar fights, where the national anthem includes the sound of people spitting out their own broken teeth, where the Queen started her own chapter of Fight Club, has deemed Chris Brown an unacceptable risk. Well done, Australia.

Pope Francis is in the U.S., having not been deemed an unnecessarily violent threat to the peace. After addressing Congress, the Pope blew off an offer to lunch with Congressional leadership to instead eat with the homeless in DC, probably because the homeless aren't a bunch of assholes.

While in the States, Pope Francis is speaking out on climate change, poverty and the dangers of capitalism. And, he'll also show you some sweet kick moves for the next time you're playing Hacky Sack.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 7, 2011

Hey, everyone! You came back! Or came for the first time. Whatever. You're reading, and that's all that matters. And you've made it to the middle of the week. Can you taste the weekend? If you can, you should probably see a neurologist, because you're likely having some sort of gustatory hallucination. Look it up. You've got the Internet. And you've also got these jokes!

Filmmaker Sofia Coppola got married last month in southern Italy. Congratulations to her! Early buzz says that the wedding video is a real tour de force of understated emotional poignancy. I'm sure it's totally not unwatchable.

In other European celebrity news, Tom Jones cancelled a show in London citing "dehydration." Is there any chance that "dehydration" doesn't mean "drunk off his ass?"

In other musical news, pop provocateurs The Flaming Lips announced that the band is working on a six-hour song. The nations pot-dealers say they'll do their best to keep up.

Speaking of Phish, I mean pot, I mean Phish, the legendary jam band will soon be returning to Vermont for a concert to raise money for flood victims. And yes, a Phish concert in a flood zone is the closest most of the fans will come to bathing in the next six months.

Speaking of needing to wash it off, ABC named Ben Flajnik as the next "Bachelor" on the matchmaking show The Bachelor. Flajnik (pronounced "doosh-bag") said he's looking forward to meeting a bunch of women and falling in love with whoever the producers tell him to. Just like our grandparents did...

Regis Philbin announced that he will be leaving Live on November 18th. This corrected an earlier statement that he would be leaving Life on November 18th. That actually isn't scheduled until the end of January. Jay Leno has already started lobbying to replace him. Have I made that joke before? Oh, screw it.

Congress is back in session, finally, so get ready to watch our members of congress work together across party lines to find mutually beneficial answers to all of the nation's problems in Bizarro World. We're screwed.

And finally, Rudy Giuliani said that he will run for President "if things get desperate." Well, Rudy, I think you running for President defines "desperate," so... kinda trailed off there, petered out and didn't finish strong... oh, forget it.

Alright, that's all! Good times for all, right? Hope you enjoyed it. See you again tomorrow, right?!

Till then, have a great day!