Hey! It's another edition of Way Back Wednesday! I wonder... what was happening in August of 1981...
Listen up, dweebs! A new cable network just started up called Music Television. What's cable? I don't know! Only 25% of American households have it, and only 800,000 of those people can see this new "MTV," but that doesn't matter, because it's cool! How do we know? Well, it's broadcasting out of a studio in Fort Lee, New Jersey. That's pretty cool, right?
Speaking of cool, Washington Post reporter Lou Cannon just coined a new nickname for President Reagan: "The Great Communicator." It replaces his old nickname: "Good Talker Guy."
What else is new? Well, in California, lingerie designer Frederick's of Hollywood introduced a brand new style of ladies' underpants to Americans, called a "thong." It's designed to finally answer the question, "what's it like to get a paper cut on your anus?" Oh, fashion.
Earlier this month, President Reagan fired over 11,000 professional air traffic controllers who went on strike, demanding, among other things, increased rest periods between shifts. Well, glad that got cleared up. Buncha sissies, asking for sleep.
IBM unveiled a new "personal computer" this month. It's packed with 16 kilobytes of random access memory, a price tag of $1,565 and comes pre-loaded with three different viruses. Oh, and it's also got porn.
In France, the national government finally relaxed it's monopoly on radio stations. Congratulations, France: now you, too, can enjoy all the crappy radio morning shows that define a democracy.
Back in America, the Major League Baseball strike ended without the President firing them all. The season will play out normally from this point, with all teams at a record of 0-0, which is the best position Cubs have had this late in the season for decades.
And lastly, the deep space probe Voyager 2 passed within 41,000 kilometers of Saturn this month, which was sadly not quite close enough to drop off the two tons of Chinese take-out menus it carried from Cape Canaveral. Next time, boys.
Okay, that's all! Let's all go watch The Empire Strikes Back!
Till then, have a great day.
Showing posts with label way back wednesday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label way back wednesday. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 10, 2011
Welcome to the brand new Late Night Morning Way Back Wednesday. The kids have all been asking, "hey, what would snarky topical humor have been like in August of 1911?" Here it is, kids. You're welcome.
Big news from the Vatican today, as Pope Pius X lowered the age of first communion to seven years old. That's just like the Catholic Church, always treating kids like adults.
Speaking of big news, the first American newsreel premiered in theaters yesterday, and President Taft has already accused it of promoting a biased liberal agenda. He also accused the camera of adding ten pounds. Because he's fat.
Happy birthday to our newest states, Arizona and New Mexico! You're all Americans now! Well, most of you.
Speaking of deserts, the mercury hit a record high of 98 degrees in England today! It got so hot, that people started emigrating to India just to cool off! And to exploit the natural resources of the subcontinent while denying hundreds of millions of people the right to self-determination. Is that hot or what?!
Big news in aviation this week. Harriet Quimby, a woman, became a licensed pilot! She's only the second woman ever to become a pilot, unless you count all those backseat pilots! Am I right fellas?! But seriously, Harriet, congratulations. Maybe some day you'll get to vote.
In French military news, the government is trying to get rid of old officers. They're forcing retirement on any officer "who can no longer ride a horse." Bad news for French soldiers with hemorrhoids!
In Peru, explorer and bon vivant Hiram Bingham rediscovered the ancient, lost city of Machu Picchu! By the time Bingham left, Charles Russell was already there handing out copies of The Watchtower.
In booze news, Texas voters recently rejected a prohibition of alcohol sales in the state. Glad we're done with that, am I right? The state then celebrated with a restrained, dignified orgy of liquor and firearms.
And lastly, the Brooklyn Rapid Transit company was just awarded a $235,000,000 contract to build 87 miles of new subway lines in New York City. They'll throw in the urine smell for free.
That's all for now! Stay tuned for more broken news! See you tomorrow, or yesterday!
Until then, have a great day.
Big news from the Vatican today, as Pope Pius X lowered the age of first communion to seven years old. That's just like the Catholic Church, always treating kids like adults.
Speaking of big news, the first American newsreel premiered in theaters yesterday, and President Taft has already accused it of promoting a biased liberal agenda. He also accused the camera of adding ten pounds. Because he's fat.
Happy birthday to our newest states, Arizona and New Mexico! You're all Americans now! Well, most of you.
Speaking of deserts, the mercury hit a record high of 98 degrees in England today! It got so hot, that people started emigrating to India just to cool off! And to exploit the natural resources of the subcontinent while denying hundreds of millions of people the right to self-determination. Is that hot or what?!
Big news in aviation this week. Harriet Quimby, a woman, became a licensed pilot! She's only the second woman ever to become a pilot, unless you count all those backseat pilots! Am I right fellas?! But seriously, Harriet, congratulations. Maybe some day you'll get to vote.
In French military news, the government is trying to get rid of old officers. They're forcing retirement on any officer "who can no longer ride a horse." Bad news for French soldiers with hemorrhoids!
In Peru, explorer and bon vivant Hiram Bingham rediscovered the ancient, lost city of Machu Picchu! By the time Bingham left, Charles Russell was already there handing out copies of The Watchtower.
In booze news, Texas voters recently rejected a prohibition of alcohol sales in the state. Glad we're done with that, am I right? The state then celebrated with a restrained, dignified orgy of liquor and firearms.
And lastly, the Brooklyn Rapid Transit company was just awarded a $235,000,000 contract to build 87 miles of new subway lines in New York City. They'll throw in the urine smell for free.
That's all for now! Stay tuned for more broken news! See you tomorrow, or yesterday!
Until then, have a great day.
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