Welcome to the brand new Late Night Morning Way Back Wednesday. The kids have all been asking, "hey, what would snarky topical humor have been like in August of 1911?" Here it is, kids. You're welcome.
Big news from the Vatican today, as Pope Pius X lowered the age of first communion to seven years old. That's just like the Catholic Church, always treating kids like adults.
Speaking of big news, the first American newsreel premiered in theaters yesterday, and President Taft has already accused it of promoting a biased liberal agenda. He also accused the camera of adding ten pounds. Because he's fat.
Happy birthday to our newest states, Arizona and New Mexico! You're all Americans now! Well, most of you.
Speaking of deserts, the mercury hit a record high of 98 degrees in England today! It got so hot, that people started emigrating to India just to cool off! And to exploit the natural resources of the subcontinent while denying hundreds of millions of people the right to self-determination. Is that hot or what?!
Big news in aviation this week. Harriet Quimby, a woman, became a licensed pilot! She's only the second woman ever to become a pilot, unless you count all those backseat pilots! Am I right fellas?! But seriously, Harriet, congratulations. Maybe some day you'll get to vote.
In French military news, the government is trying to get rid of old officers. They're forcing retirement on any officer "who can no longer ride a horse." Bad news for French soldiers with hemorrhoids!
In Peru, explorer and bon vivant Hiram Bingham rediscovered the ancient, lost city of Machu Picchu! By the time Bingham left, Charles Russell was already there handing out copies of The Watchtower.
In booze news, Texas voters recently rejected a prohibition of alcohol sales in the state. Glad we're done with that, am I right? The state then celebrated with a restrained, dignified orgy of liquor and firearms.
And lastly, the Brooklyn Rapid Transit company was just awarded a $235,000,000 contract to build 87 miles of new subway lines in New York City. They'll throw in the urine smell for free.
That's all for now! Stay tuned for more broken news! See you tomorrow, or yesterday!
Until then, have a great day.
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