Welcome back. How are you doing? Are we all excited for the week? That'll wear off... now. I'm kidding. This is going to be a great week, and today's going to be a great day! We've got some great jokes for you, and if this were an actual talk show we'd have some great guests and skits and stuff, too. You'll just have to use your imagination. And sunblock. You should use plenty of sunblock. Always. Okay, let's get started.
I heard that a competitive swimmer from the United States is planning to swim from Florida to Cuba. Probably just going down there for cancer treatment.
Speaking of Florida, rapper Big Boi was arrested in Miami for illegal possession of Ecstasy and Viagra pills. Looks like someone had a special first date planned.
In worse news, the bond-rating agency Standard & Poor's downgraded the U.S. bond rating, even though the math in their analysis was off by two trillion dollars. Remind me again why we had a worldwide economic collapse?
In worse news, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced that he will be remaining Treasury Secretary for the foreseeable future. Probably because no one else wants the job.
In Las Vegas, computer hackers from around the world came to the Defcon hacking convention. For many attendees it was the first time they met each other in person, and the first time they saw the sun. Oh, and also, "blah blah blah, News of the World blah blah blah hackers."
Also, 45,000 Verizon employees went on strike this weekend, prompting many customers to say, "no, I can't hear you now. Because I'm a Verizon customer. And they're on strike." Okay. Whatever.
The creators of the high school musical program Glee will be making a new horror show for FX, because apparently high school isn't horrific enough.
And lastly, sad news for absolutely no one: Desperate Housewives ends this season. The producers said they wanted to go out at a critical and creative high point, but since that's not going to happen, they might as well end it now.
Okay, that's all for today! We'll be back tomorrow, with more jokes and pretend guests and other hijinks. Maybe we'll play Crazy 8s.
Till then, have a great day!
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