Today is a momentous day, everyone. Five years ago, I performed standup comedy for the first time. So, according to Malcolm Gladwell, I'm halfway to being good. Oh, oh. We're halfway there. Here's some jokes.
Speaking of five year anniversaries, Mel Gibson recently celebrated his fifth year of sobriety. Congratulations, Mel! Thanks to sobriety, he's found clarity and inner peace that has really allowed him to focus in and do great things with his anti-Semitism.
In less happy news, Ford is recalling 1.2 million pick-up trucks because there's a chance the gas tanks will fall out and explode. In a related story, Ford will be providing sponsorship and transportation for this year's Burning Man festival.
In television news, NBC executives are calling on Will Ferrell, Sean Hayes and other past stars of the network to help revitalize the network, which is currently in fourth place. Paul Reiser was not invited.
In legal news, the woman accused of burglarizing the hotel room of Jeopardy host, Alex Trebek, recently pled "not guilty" to charges that she broke in and robbed Trebek while he slept. And no, she did not phrase her plea in the form of a question. Because that's not how the criminal justice system works. I learned that from The Wire.
In entertainment news, actress Sissy Spacek finally received her own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday. The unveiling proceeded smoothly until someone dumped a bucket of pigs' blood on her head and she killed everyone with her telekinesis. Yes, that's what happened.
In China, retailers are stealing the IKEA business model and selling their own furniture directly to Chinese consumers after factory owners realized "hey, we can make shitty furniture, too!"
In sports news, the Atlanta Braves lost their 10,000th game in franchise history this week. But they're still doing better than NBC.
And finally, a study released last week indicated that people who use Microsoft's Internet Explorer to surf the web have, on average, an IQ 20 points below the national average. I'm guessing that's still substantially higher than the people who made Internet Explorer. The study was conducted by the Asshole Nerd Institute, proving once again that even nerds can be smarmy, condescending dicks.
Well, that's all. Did the economy collapse yet? If not, we'll try it again tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day!
Happy anniversary! I'm surprisingly impressed that you celebrated with a Burning Man joke.
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