Google is set to spent $500 million promoting the new Motorola "Moto X" phone, which it turns out is slightly less than it would have cost to just make a good phone in the first place.
Police arrested a man for sitting outside John Kerry's Boston home with an open container of alcohol. In a related story, STOP THE PRESSES! Some yahoo is out drunk in Boston!
In Michigan City, Indiana, a young boy is doing well after being rescued from a sinkhole where he was trapped for three hours. The child thanked his good fortune for not being stuck in a sinkhole in Florida. Because someone would have shot him.
In Italy, racism is alive and well, as an Italian Senator just made statements likening the country's first black cabinet minister to an orangutan. Fortunately, George Zimmerman was nowhere near the cabinet minister.
China's economy slowed for the second straight quarter, proving once again that they get all their ideas from America.
Speaking of China, former Laker Metta World Peace is considering taking his talents to China as a free agent. He's excited at the prospect of playing for over a billion fans, and choking them.
In Belfast, the Northern Ireland Chief of Police denounced recent riots, saying they were "shameful and disgraceful," claiming that Northern Ireland can do way better next time.
And finally, the world's oldest calendar was discovered in Scotland recently. Scientists were able to determine its exact age by checking to see if it listed Larry King's birthday.
HE'S OLD!
And that's it for today.
Showing posts with label racism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label racism. Show all posts
Monday, July 15, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - June 24, 2013
Justin Bieber tweeted on June 19 that he will release a new movie and new music this year. Twitter is investigating him for making threatening tweets.
Instagram just added videos to their service. Users uploaded five million videos in the first 24 hours, making it the fastest surge of penises onto the Internet in recorded history.
NSA leaker Edward Snowden left Hong Kong this weekend and flew to Moscow, thanks to the aid of Wikileaks. His itinerary was supposed to be a secret, but you know how these people are.
Scientists from the UK claim to have proof that "plants do maths," which is stupid because the word is "math," singular.
Firefighters in Colorado are scrambling to save Del Norte from wildfires. Someone should set some wildfires outside Detroit.
Brazilians are taking to the streets to protest crumbling social services and public transportation. And now they can protest the traffic, too.
An early Apple I computer is going up for auction, and expected to bring in $500,000. But it still won't run any cool games.
And finally, Paula Deen is expected to lose her job with QVC, after it came out that she may have made racist jokes in the past. Also, no one is interested in buying her "Slaves' Secret" moisturizing blackface masques.
END
Instagram just added videos to their service. Users uploaded five million videos in the first 24 hours, making it the fastest surge of penises onto the Internet in recorded history.
NSA leaker Edward Snowden left Hong Kong this weekend and flew to Moscow, thanks to the aid of Wikileaks. His itinerary was supposed to be a secret, but you know how these people are.
Scientists from the UK claim to have proof that "plants do maths," which is stupid because the word is "math," singular.
Firefighters in Colorado are scrambling to save Del Norte from wildfires. Someone should set some wildfires outside Detroit.
Brazilians are taking to the streets to protest crumbling social services and public transportation. And now they can protest the traffic, too.
An early Apple I computer is going up for auction, and expected to bring in $500,000. But it still won't run any cool games.
And finally, Paula Deen is expected to lose her job with QVC, after it came out that she may have made racist jokes in the past. Also, no one is interested in buying her "Slaves' Secret" moisturizing blackface masques.
END
Friday, June 7, 2013
Friday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2013
Don't look now! Vladimir Putin just announced he's getting a divorce. So, watch out, ladies! No, seriously, watch out for Vladimir Putin.
In New York, the courts lifted a ban on phone apps used to hail cabs after the courts were assured that they would not be made available to black people.
Speaking of phones, people are up in arms about the NSA secretly eavesdropping on American phone calls. But if you think people are angry over this now, wait till you hear what they're saying about it in private.
Furthermore, Facebook denied giving the government direct access to their servers to spy on users and gather information. According to Facebook, they only do that for advertisers.
Apple also denied giving the government direct access to their servers, but that's because the government refused to purchase Apple's proprietary data cable to make the connection.
AT&T boasted that they have increased the number of Internet-connected devices on their network by over 500,000 this quarter. Even better, they've connected over 1 million to the NSA.
Broadcaster Glenn Beck said he regrets that he may have said things on his programs that alienated some Americans, even if those Americans are stupid Communists who hate America.
A pilot program in England is training returning war veterans to work as teachers. It's part of a new push to increase reenlistment rates.
At Sotheby's on Wednesday, a Persian rug went at auction for a record-setting $33.8 million. And somewhere soon, a tiny dog is going to have the most decadent bowel movement in recorded history.
And finally, disgraced writer Jonah Lehrer, dismissed from The New Yorker for plagiarism, has a new book coming out about the power of love. So now he's ripping off Huey Lewis and The News.
Have a great weekend!
In New York, the courts lifted a ban on phone apps used to hail cabs after the courts were assured that they would not be made available to black people.
Speaking of phones, people are up in arms about the NSA secretly eavesdropping on American phone calls. But if you think people are angry over this now, wait till you hear what they're saying about it in private.
Furthermore, Facebook denied giving the government direct access to their servers to spy on users and gather information. According to Facebook, they only do that for advertisers.
Apple also denied giving the government direct access to their servers, but that's because the government refused to purchase Apple's proprietary data cable to make the connection.
AT&T boasted that they have increased the number of Internet-connected devices on their network by over 500,000 this quarter. Even better, they've connected over 1 million to the NSA.
Broadcaster Glenn Beck said he regrets that he may have said things on his programs that alienated some Americans, even if those Americans are stupid Communists who hate America.
A pilot program in England is training returning war veterans to work as teachers. It's part of a new push to increase reenlistment rates.
At Sotheby's on Wednesday, a Persian rug went at auction for a record-setting $33.8 million. And somewhere soon, a tiny dog is going to have the most decadent bowel movement in recorded history.
And finally, disgraced writer Jonah Lehrer, dismissed from The New Yorker for plagiarism, has a new book coming out about the power of love. So now he's ripping off Huey Lewis and The News.
Have a great weekend!
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - September 17, 2012
Good morning, y'all.
In Greece, two video game makers were arrested on spying charges after taking photographs of military installations. They're now planning to turn the experience into a new game, "Extreme Waterboarding 3D."
In Zimbabwe, a Swiss tourist was fined for insulting President Mugabe. Jeffrey Ross has cancelled his tour.
In television news, Dr. Phil recently called Dina Lohan "phony" before also telling her she was balding, had a stupid moustache and her medical credentials were dubious at best.
The NHL lockout deadline passed this weekend with no deal, leaving at least a dozen fans distraught.
In England, the royal family is taking to the courts to try and stop the spread of topless photos of Kate Middleton because that's how the Internet works.
In China, anti-Japanese protests are spreading across the country. Damn, even their bigotry is more efficient than ours.
In better news, poverty level dropped slightly last month. Gov. Romney congratulated the newly not poor on finally earning their first million dollar paychecks.
And finally, the Boy Scouts of America came under fire this week when the Los Angeles Times reported the organization has helped hide the presence of child molesters in the organization since 1903. The first clue: the Help Hide A Pedophile merit badge.
We are at an end. Till tomorrow!
In Greece, two video game makers were arrested on spying charges after taking photographs of military installations. They're now planning to turn the experience into a new game, "Extreme Waterboarding 3D."
In Zimbabwe, a Swiss tourist was fined for insulting President Mugabe. Jeffrey Ross has cancelled his tour.
In television news, Dr. Phil recently called Dina Lohan "phony" before also telling her she was balding, had a stupid moustache and her medical credentials were dubious at best.
The NHL lockout deadline passed this weekend with no deal, leaving at least a dozen fans distraught.
In England, the royal family is taking to the courts to try and stop the spread of topless photos of Kate Middleton because that's how the Internet works.
In China, anti-Japanese protests are spreading across the country. Damn, even their bigotry is more efficient than ours.
In better news, poverty level dropped slightly last month. Gov. Romney congratulated the newly not poor on finally earning their first million dollar paychecks.
And finally, the Boy Scouts of America came under fire this week when the Los Angeles Times reported the organization has helped hide the presence of child molesters in the organization since 1903. The first clue: the Help Hide A Pedophile merit badge.
We are at an end. Till tomorrow!
Monday, September 3, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 4, 2012
Welcome back! Hope you had an awesome day off. No banter today, unfortunately. Or fortunately, depending on how you see it.
Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius trashed a fellow competitor after losing the 200 meter race this weekend. He apologized, however, when he realized he'd put his foot in his mouth. Didn't have a leg to stand on? Really stepped in it? Anyway, it's a great reminder that Paralympians can be just as petty as everyone else.
A monster truck at a show in Oregon went out of control and into the stands this weekend, injuring three people who remarked on how real the 3D effects have become.
In the Ivory Coast, universities have reopened for the first time since post-election violence last year. Student government elections are being closely watched, just in case. Also, fraternity hazing seems really bland this year.
A delegate from California was ejected from the Democratic National Convention after passing out drunk in a hotel lobby. He told police later that he was a Congressman, but no one believed a Democratic Congressman would party that hard. Senator, maybe.
The former CEO of Wet Seal filed suit against the company, alleging racism in her dismissal, pointing out that she is the first CEO at the company who was not a seal.
On the eve of the Democratic National Convention, President Obama and the White House press corps toured New Orleans because the George W. Bush Presidential Library doesn't open until next year.
A casino in Minnesota cooked a one-ton cheeseburger this weekend. However, it had mayonnaise, even though they were supposed to use mustard, so the casino ended up having to throw the whole thing out.
Oh, and also, fuck America's hungry.
And finally, polls reveal that the Romney/Ryan campaign has received virtually no post-convention bump. However, the popularity of chairs is soaring.
Alrighty! Let's do this again tomorrow. Maybe with some new jokes.
Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius trashed a fellow competitor after losing the 200 meter race this weekend. He apologized, however, when he realized he'd put his foot in his mouth. Didn't have a leg to stand on? Really stepped in it? Anyway, it's a great reminder that Paralympians can be just as petty as everyone else.
A monster truck at a show in Oregon went out of control and into the stands this weekend, injuring three people who remarked on how real the 3D effects have become.
In the Ivory Coast, universities have reopened for the first time since post-election violence last year. Student government elections are being closely watched, just in case. Also, fraternity hazing seems really bland this year.
A delegate from California was ejected from the Democratic National Convention after passing out drunk in a hotel lobby. He told police later that he was a Congressman, but no one believed a Democratic Congressman would party that hard. Senator, maybe.
The former CEO of Wet Seal filed suit against the company, alleging racism in her dismissal, pointing out that she is the first CEO at the company who was not a seal.
On the eve of the Democratic National Convention, President Obama and the White House press corps toured New Orleans because the George W. Bush Presidential Library doesn't open until next year.
A casino in Minnesota cooked a one-ton cheeseburger this weekend. However, it had mayonnaise, even though they were supposed to use mustard, so the casino ended up having to throw the whole thing out.
Oh, and also, fuck America's hungry.
And finally, polls reveal that the Romney/Ryan campaign has received virtually no post-convention bump. However, the popularity of chairs is soaring.
Alrighty! Let's do this again tomorrow. Maybe with some new jokes.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 24, 2012
Welcome back, you all. Or rather, y'all. I have eight jokes for you. One of them, however, is secretly a bon mot. See if you can spot it!
NASA declared a test of its new heat shield a "success," meaning it's super expensive.
In England, the Olympic torch visited the set of the popular soap opera EastEnders, where it was reunited with its long-lost evil twin and the Zippo lighter it gave for adoption all those years ago.
The Assad government issued a statement in Syria yesterday saying that they totally won't use chemical weapons on rebels, but they may use them on invisible people standing really close to rebels.
In Pennsylvania, shoppers at Sears were sent packing last week by a black bear that wandered into the store. Since it was a black bear, a manager followed him around to make sure he didn't steal anything.
In a related story, another black bear was spotted at the same Sears, which means now your racist bear uncle won't shop at that Sears anymore.
A former lab assistant in New Hampshire was found to be responsible for a Hepatitis C outbreak in the area. In a related story, Tommy Lee has been working as a lab assistant in New Hampshire.
Sofia Vergara was the highest-paid woman on television last year, earning $19million. Although it's really closer to $6million after she splits it with her breasts.
And finally, Senate Democrats are threatening to let all the Bush-era tax cuts expire this year, probably because they're tired of living in Washington, D.C.
And that's the end. Did you spot it?! See you tomorrow!
NASA declared a test of its new heat shield a "success," meaning it's super expensive.
In England, the Olympic torch visited the set of the popular soap opera EastEnders, where it was reunited with its long-lost evil twin and the Zippo lighter it gave for adoption all those years ago.
The Assad government issued a statement in Syria yesterday saying that they totally won't use chemical weapons on rebels, but they may use them on invisible people standing really close to rebels.
In Pennsylvania, shoppers at Sears were sent packing last week by a black bear that wandered into the store. Since it was a black bear, a manager followed him around to make sure he didn't steal anything.
In a related story, another black bear was spotted at the same Sears, which means now your racist bear uncle won't shop at that Sears anymore.
A former lab assistant in New Hampshire was found to be responsible for a Hepatitis C outbreak in the area. In a related story, Tommy Lee has been working as a lab assistant in New Hampshire.
Sofia Vergara was the highest-paid woman on television last year, earning $19million. Although it's really closer to $6million after she splits it with her breasts.
And finally, Senate Democrats are threatening to let all the Bush-era tax cuts expire this year, probably because they're tired of living in Washington, D.C.
And that's the end. Did you spot it?! See you tomorrow!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - June 18, 2012
Gonna make this quick and weird, 'cause I'm on vacation/recovering from surgery/getting married this week. And with that, let's get to joking!
Soap, people.
A top secret spy plane operated by the US Air Force has reportedly returned to Earth after spending an impressive 469 days in orbit, say mission commanders who are not familiar with the phrase "top secret."
In Egypt, the Muslim Brotherhood is claiming victory in national elections, thanks in large part to their platform of "Jobs, financial responsibility and education." Wait, no, hold on a second, that platform was actually "Fuck Israel."
In other politics, Greece's center-right pro-bailout coalition won a slim victory in parliamentary elections, narrowly beating out the Night Rider from Mad Max and Tina Turner's character from Beyond Thunderdome.
In New York, protesters staged a silent march against the NYPD's stop-and-frisk tactics of targeting minority youths for police harassment. The march lasted longer than planned, though, as the cops stopped and frisked every young minority they saw.
The Roman Catholic Church has dismissed a poll suggesting the majority of people in Scotland support same-sex marriage, saying the poll is faulty due to its "reliance on scientific methodology."
Governor Romney called President Obama's decision to stop deporting illegal immigrants brought to the U.S. as children an election-year political move meant to capitalize on the human emotion of love for children.
In Oregon, a 67 year-old woman was trapped under a dresser for four days. Next time, buy Ikea. No one ever got trapped under a piece of furniture that falls apart in a strong breeze.
And finally, an Oregon man contracted the plague recently after trying to remove a dead rodent from the mouth of a stray cat. Said the man, "it's okay, this is actually a two-fer on my 'Incredibly Disgusting' scavenger hunt."
Soap, people.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 23, 2012
It's late and I'm tired. Feast upon these jokes, you pioneers of comedy.
The Benihana restaurant chain is to be taken private in a $296 million deal. Although it will probably be somewhat higher after gratuity.
In more business news, the Motel 6 chain is also being sold to a private equity group for $1.9 billion dollars. But it would have been less if they'd booked it in the off season. Rookie mistake.
Catholic Cardinal Dolan lashed out at the Obama administration yesterday, saying that rules governing insurance coverage of contraceptives are "strangling" the Catholic church. Quick tip: if the contraceptives are strangling you, you're probably not using them properly. Also, you're probably celibate, so maybe you should shut up about it.
The Hip Hop Hall of Fame now has a permanent home in New York City. Take that, West Coast! You ain't reppin' shit now!
In Michigan, a mother is being sought by police for coercing her daughter into shoplifting a bunch of crap from Old Navy. Apparently she neglected the important lessons about not getting caught, and exactly what snitches get. (Hint: it's stitches)
"Actor" Bruce Willis said yesterday that Mitt Romney is an "embarrassment" and a "dissapointment," and this is coming from a guy who made Hudson Hawk and helped create Planet Hollywood.
In Seattle, an irate moviegoer punched a 10 year-old in the face when he wouldn't stop talking during a screening of Titanic 3D. Well, there's the next "silence is golden" PSA for the next generation. Also, the punch probably is the most dramatic use of 3D technology in cinema history.
And finally, a school psychiatrist in New Orleans posted racially inflammatory comments online about African American students. I believe the website was www.PleaseFireMe.com. Specifically, "Dr." Traina said that "young black thugs" need to be "put down like the dogs they are." Strangely, he also posted that dogs should be given adequately funded schools, community involvement and teachers who are invested in their success.
HOW IRONIC. Okay, that's all. Thanks for reading!
The Benihana restaurant chain is to be taken private in a $296 million deal. Although it will probably be somewhat higher after gratuity.
In more business news, the Motel 6 chain is also being sold to a private equity group for $1.9 billion dollars. But it would have been less if they'd booked it in the off season. Rookie mistake.
Catholic Cardinal Dolan lashed out at the Obama administration yesterday, saying that rules governing insurance coverage of contraceptives are "strangling" the Catholic church. Quick tip: if the contraceptives are strangling you, you're probably not using them properly. Also, you're probably celibate, so maybe you should shut up about it.
The Hip Hop Hall of Fame now has a permanent home in New York City. Take that, West Coast! You ain't reppin' shit now!
In Michigan, a mother is being sought by police for coercing her daughter into shoplifting a bunch of crap from Old Navy. Apparently she neglected the important lessons about not getting caught, and exactly what snitches get. (Hint: it's stitches)
"Actor" Bruce Willis said yesterday that Mitt Romney is an "embarrassment" and a "dissapointment," and this is coming from a guy who made Hudson Hawk and helped create Planet Hollywood.
In Seattle, an irate moviegoer punched a 10 year-old in the face when he wouldn't stop talking during a screening of Titanic 3D. Well, there's the next "silence is golden" PSA for the next generation. Also, the punch probably is the most dramatic use of 3D technology in cinema history.
And finally, a school psychiatrist in New Orleans posted racially inflammatory comments online about African American students. I believe the website was www.PleaseFireMe.com. Specifically, "Dr." Traina said that "young black thugs" need to be "put down like the dogs they are." Strangely, he also posted that dogs should be given adequately funded schools, community involvement and teachers who are invested in their success.
HOW IRONIC. Okay, that's all. Thanks for reading!
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - April 30, 2012
Say goodbye to April, everybody. And say it with laughter.
Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the death of Osama bin Laden, and many within the Republican party are accusing President Obama of playing politics with bin Ladin’s death. Which isn’t fair, considering that playing politics with national security has always been their thing.
The FDA just approved a new medication, Levaquin, for treating the plague. Wait a minute. Why are we making new drugs for the plague? WHAT ARE YOU NOT TELLING US, FDA?!
In New York, the Mayor’s office authorized additional livery cabs for the outer boroughs, so now there will be even more cabs out on the streets, ready to ignore black people.
After a recent anti-Saudi protests in Egypt, the Egyptian government is trying to smooth things over with the Saudi Arabian government. As part of their efforts, they’ve promised to “completely treat women like shit.”
Students in a dorm at the University of Alabama were held up by an armed robber this weekend. While the experience was traumatic, it’s nothing compared to the tender mercies of Sallie Mae.
A former Miss New Hampshire was arrested for kicking and biting her boyfriend after he accused her of cheating. Shouldn’t be a surprise, though, as her portion of the Talent competition was called simply “Jerry Springer-ing.”
In Dallas, a police officer was arrested for driving drunk, firing his weapon and possession of marijuana. He’s considering a transfer to the Secret Service.
And finally, New York City is considering a ban on “happy hour” promotions at bars. Critics argue that they’re too misleading, and have proposed renaming them “maudlin resignation hours.”
And that’s it! Later, gaters.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - April 5, 2012
Hip, hip, hooray for Thursday, everyone! Two nights ago, I roasted vegetables for for the first time. Beets, cauliflower and brussel sprouts. More than anything else so far, that made me feel like an adult. To counteract it, I'm eating nothing but Pop Rocks and Froot Loops for the rest of the week. Take that, maturity! Speaking of immature...
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed a law banning medical marijuana on college campuses, because that's a bigger threat than concealed weapons. And in her defense, hacky-sack and drum circles can get pretty dangerous.
Speaking of dangerous, former Chicago police officer and off-duty railroad detective Howard Morgan is facing 80 years in prison for the attempted murder of four police officers who shot him 28 times during a routine traffic stop. Yeah, you read that right. He got shot 28 times, and is somehow facing charges for attempted murder. Either he's the world's most incompetent murderer, or he's black. Oh, he is black? Right...
Paramount just reached a deal with Youtube to add 500 feature films to the online video site's rental program. And FYI, you will get charged an extra dollar if you forget to hit "Refresh" when you're done viewing. In a related story, the rest of Paramount's films are still available for pirating.
In other film news, Thailand banned a film adaptation of Macbeth recently, on the grounds that it could cause political disunity and that it didn't include enough underage prostitution. "Thailand: The Kingdom of Sane Priorities."
In Russia, an office supply company started selling notebooks with Josef Stalin's picture on the front. Glad to see Stalin's finally made it to the free market!
Two pandas at the Edinbugh Zoo have been put together again to try to mate, after five unsuccessful attempts by zookeepers. Probably the male panda just needs a new wingman.
ALTERNATE PUNCHLINES:
Yahoo! announced yesterday that they will be cutting 2,000 jobs. Or, as they call it, "clearing out the inbox."
And finally, the FDA confiscated another huge shipment of counterfeit drugs. This time, it was fake Avastin, the popular cancer treatment. Patients grew suspicious when they saw the pill bottles:
That's it! Hope you have a great day, my friends!
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed a law banning medical marijuana on college campuses, because that's a bigger threat than concealed weapons. And in her defense, hacky-sack and drum circles can get pretty dangerous.
Speaking of dangerous, former Chicago police officer and off-duty railroad detective Howard Morgan is facing 80 years in prison for the attempted murder of four police officers who shot him 28 times during a routine traffic stop. Yeah, you read that right. He got shot 28 times, and is somehow facing charges for attempted murder. Either he's the world's most incompetent murderer, or he's black. Oh, he is black? Right...
Paramount just reached a deal with Youtube to add 500 feature films to the online video site's rental program. And FYI, you will get charged an extra dollar if you forget to hit "Refresh" when you're done viewing. In a related story, the rest of Paramount's films are still available for pirating.
In other film news, Thailand banned a film adaptation of Macbeth recently, on the grounds that it could cause political disunity and that it didn't include enough underage prostitution. "Thailand: The Kingdom of Sane Priorities."
In Russia, an office supply company started selling notebooks with Josef Stalin's picture on the front. Glad to see Stalin's finally made it to the free market!
Two pandas at the Edinbugh Zoo have been put together again to try to mate, after five unsuccessful attempts by zookeepers. Probably the male panda just needs a new wingman.
ALTERNATE PUNCHLINES:
- Looks like pandas get headaches too!
- Maybe she should try hitting on his best panda friend.
- Does Frederick's of Hollywood have a bamboo line?
- Have they tried getting the pandas drunk? It is Scotland, after all.
Yahoo! announced yesterday that they will be cutting 2,000 jobs. Or, as they call it, "clearing out the inbox."
And finally, the FDA confiscated another huge shipment of counterfeit drugs. This time, it was fake Avastin, the popular cancer treatment. Patients grew suspicious when they saw the pill bottles:
That's it! Hope you have a great day, my friends!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 1, 2012
Happy Thursday to all you Gregorian calendar-aficionados! Let's see what's funny.
Lindsay Lohan is going back to host Saturday Night Live for the fourth time this Saturday, because nothing goes better with new-found sobriety than a week at SNL. Sorry to be a downer.
And sad news out of the music world, as we will have to stage another Grammy Awards ceremony for Davey Jones.
In clothing news, the Navajo Nation is suing Urban Outfitters for misappropriating their tribal identity for a use in a clothing line. No word yet if similar legal action is forthcoming from the Grand Duchy of Douche.
A man seized at the Cairo airport turned out to not, I repeat NOT, be al Qaeda leader Saif al-Adel. However, the man is now questioning the wisdom of a career as a Saif al-Adel impersonator.
This week, Yahoo! reported that Reese Witherspoon had a serious talk with her children about recognizing and preventing domestic violence. She then apparently had a serious talk with them about issuing press releases to Yahoo! to let the world know about every damn thing you do.
Fifteen Academy Awards were auctioned off for $3million this week. See, they're not worthless after all.
In Methuen, Massachusetts, school officials apologized this week for a mis-print in the school cafeteria which advertised "KKK Chicken Tenders." They quickly fixed the error and apologized to the community. However, they were oddly silent about the "Holocaust Never Happened Milkshake."
And, finally, scientists have succeeded in artificially growing human brain cells from families with a history of mental illness in order to study their abnormalities. There, kids. That's how you write a SyFy movie. Now we just need to add a shark...
Okay, that's it! Keep watching the skies!
Lindsay Lohan is going back to host Saturday Night Live for the fourth time this Saturday, because nothing goes better with new-found sobriety than a week at SNL. Sorry to be a downer.
And sad news out of the music world, as we will have to stage another Grammy Awards ceremony for Davey Jones.
In clothing news, the Navajo Nation is suing Urban Outfitters for misappropriating their tribal identity for a use in a clothing line. No word yet if similar legal action is forthcoming from the Grand Duchy of Douche.
A man seized at the Cairo airport turned out to not, I repeat NOT, be al Qaeda leader Saif al-Adel. However, the man is now questioning the wisdom of a career as a Saif al-Adel impersonator.
This week, Yahoo! reported that Reese Witherspoon had a serious talk with her children about recognizing and preventing domestic violence. She then apparently had a serious talk with them about issuing press releases to Yahoo! to let the world know about every damn thing you do.
Fifteen Academy Awards were auctioned off for $3million this week. See, they're not worthless after all.
In Methuen, Massachusetts, school officials apologized this week for a mis-print in the school cafeteria which advertised "KKK Chicken Tenders." They quickly fixed the error and apologized to the community. However, they were oddly silent about the "Holocaust Never Happened Milkshake."
And, finally, scientists have succeeded in artificially growing human brain cells from families with a history of mental illness in order to study their abnormalities. There, kids. That's how you write a SyFy movie. Now we just need to add a shark...
Okay, that's it! Keep watching the skies!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - November 7, 2011
Good morning! How's your coffee? Or whatever beverage you have. That was presumptuous of me. It might be orange juice. Or maybe you can't make up your mind, and just pour your orange juice right into the coffee pot. I've had worse. Seriously, splash a little soy milk in there... and I've said too much. Starbucks has spies everywhere! And we've got jokes right here. Enjoy them with the beverage(s) of your choice.
Last week, shares of the daily deal company Goupon were heavily traded, largely because of the two-for-one deal they sent out on Friday morning.
In more Internet "news," the CIA revealed it has agents tracking up to 5 million suspicious tweets per day. They don't participate in "Follow Fridays," but they're pretty big on "Rendition Mondays."
Singer and Canadian phenom Justin Bieber denied a recent claim that he fathered a child out of wedlock. It's ridiculous, because everyone knows Bieber only does anal.
Speaking of buttholes, author Salman Rushdie tweeted a limerick last week mocking Kim Kardashian's divorce, leading many to wonder when Salman Rushdie started working for Perez Hilton? Come to think of it, have they ever been photographed together? I'm going to go ahead and say it now: Salman Rushdie and Perez Hilton are the same person.
Fact: the Kardashian-Humphries marriage lasted only ten weeks, disappointing friends, family and fans of the young couple. On the other hand, if NBC's Whitney were to end after only ten weeks, no one would be upset. At all.
Singer-songwriter Sinead O'Connor offered some showbiz advice to her daughter in a recent interview. She said, above all, stay true to yourself, believe in your talent, and try not to tear up pictures of the Pope. Apparently that really pisses people off.
In business news, Russian and Chinese companies were found to be the most likely to pay bribes when doing business in other countries, according to a report issued last week by the Vaguely Racist Institute.
And finally, Herman Cain said this weekend that he was putting the drama of last week behind him, and is now 100% back on message. And that message is "come over here and sit on my lap."
How about that? Good enough for a Monday? Damn well better be. Just wait until you see what Tuesday is gonna be like! Till then, have a great day!
Last week, shares of the daily deal company Goupon were heavily traded, largely because of the two-for-one deal they sent out on Friday morning.
In more Internet "news," the CIA revealed it has agents tracking up to 5 million suspicious tweets per day. They don't participate in "Follow Fridays," but they're pretty big on "Rendition Mondays."
Singer and Canadian phenom Justin Bieber denied a recent claim that he fathered a child out of wedlock. It's ridiculous, because everyone knows Bieber only does anal.
Speaking of buttholes, author Salman Rushdie tweeted a limerick last week mocking Kim Kardashian's divorce, leading many to wonder when Salman Rushdie started working for Perez Hilton? Come to think of it, have they ever been photographed together? I'm going to go ahead and say it now: Salman Rushdie and Perez Hilton are the same person.
Fact: the Kardashian-Humphries marriage lasted only ten weeks, disappointing friends, family and fans of the young couple. On the other hand, if NBC's Whitney were to end after only ten weeks, no one would be upset. At all.
Singer-songwriter Sinead O'Connor offered some showbiz advice to her daughter in a recent interview. She said, above all, stay true to yourself, believe in your talent, and try not to tear up pictures of the Pope. Apparently that really pisses people off.
In business news, Russian and Chinese companies were found to be the most likely to pay bribes when doing business in other countries, according to a report issued last week by the Vaguely Racist Institute.
And finally, Herman Cain said this weekend that he was putting the drama of last week behind him, and is now 100% back on message. And that message is "come over here and sit on my lap."
How about that? Good enough for a Monday? Damn well better be. Just wait until you see what Tuesday is gonna be like! Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 9, 2011
Did you have a great Mardi Gras? Well, good for you. I hope you enjoy your penance. What's that? You are enjoying it? Then you're doing it wrong. Try again. Also, here are jokes:
In Libya, rumors circulated throughout the country that Colonel Gadaffi was looking to negotiate an exit from the country and an abdication of his leadership. Representatives for the insane leader refuted the story, saying "No, he's not going anywhere. Why, what did you hear? You think the rebels would be cool with that?" In a related story, the widely-trusted Colonel offered to discuss his possible exit in person with opposition leaders "and as many rebel troops as possible" in a wide open plain near the Libyan air force.
In legal food news Lady Gaga is suing the makers of "Baby Gaga" ice cream, which is made from human breast milk. "I would never associate my name with something like that," the pop star said, then put on a wide-brimmed hat made entirely of meat.
In South Carolina, Governor Nikki Haley is writing her memoir. When asked about projected book sales, she said "if it doesn't sell, I'll just call it a history book and make the public schools buy it. That's basically what happened with A Separate Peace."
In Pennsylvania, a prominent celebrity boxing promoter stands accused of fixing fights. This news is devastating to the many fans of celebrity boxing. This revelation also calls into question the real ass-whipping power of Danny Bonaduce. The sport may never recover.
Warner Brothers will soon be offering full-length films through Facebook in a move to destroy all American productivity once and for all.
American Sikhs, mistaken for Muslims, are being targeted for hate crimes by some of the worst bigots ever. A spokesman for the Sikh community said "it's always disheartening to see violence like this, but it's even worse somehow when you realize these ignorant bastards can't even get their bigotry right. Pathetic."
A legal fight is brewing this week in California over the 2012 Golden Globes Award Ceremony. It seems that no one can agree as to who has to air it.
Lastly, Phil Collins announced this week, several times, that he will be quitting music. He plans to use his new free time to concentrate on resuming his acting career, saying "they're still shooting episodes of Miami Vice, right?" When asked if he might return to music in the future, he said it was "against all odds, but it's the chance I have to take."
That's it for now. Does anyone else want to listen to "In the Air Tonight?" Hey, once you're done, how about leaving a comment below? How about reposting us on Twitter or Facebook or Buzz? How about emailing us to all your friends? Yes, all of them. How about that? How about coming back tomorrow? Hope you have a great Wednesday and I'll see you again tomorrow!
In Libya, rumors circulated throughout the country that Colonel Gadaffi was looking to negotiate an exit from the country and an abdication of his leadership. Representatives for the insane leader refuted the story, saying "No, he's not going anywhere. Why, what did you hear? You think the rebels would be cool with that?" In a related story, the widely-trusted Colonel offered to discuss his possible exit in person with opposition leaders "and as many rebel troops as possible" in a wide open plain near the Libyan air force.
In legal food news Lady Gaga is suing the makers of "Baby Gaga" ice cream, which is made from human breast milk. "I would never associate my name with something like that," the pop star said, then put on a wide-brimmed hat made entirely of meat.
In South Carolina, Governor Nikki Haley is writing her memoir. When asked about projected book sales, she said "if it doesn't sell, I'll just call it a history book and make the public schools buy it. That's basically what happened with A Separate Peace."
In Pennsylvania, a prominent celebrity boxing promoter stands accused of fixing fights. This news is devastating to the many fans of celebrity boxing. This revelation also calls into question the real ass-whipping power of Danny Bonaduce. The sport may never recover.
Warner Brothers will soon be offering full-length films through Facebook in a move to destroy all American productivity once and for all.
American Sikhs, mistaken for Muslims, are being targeted for hate crimes by some of the worst bigots ever. A spokesman for the Sikh community said "it's always disheartening to see violence like this, but it's even worse somehow when you realize these ignorant bastards can't even get their bigotry right. Pathetic."
A legal fight is brewing this week in California over the 2012 Golden Globes Award Ceremony. It seems that no one can agree as to who has to air it.
Lastly, Phil Collins announced this week, several times, that he will be quitting music. He plans to use his new free time to concentrate on resuming his acting career, saying "they're still shooting episodes of Miami Vice, right?" When asked if he might return to music in the future, he said it was "against all odds, but it's the chance I have to take."
That's it for now. Does anyone else want to listen to "In the Air Tonight?" Hey, once you're done, how about leaving a comment below? How about reposting us on Twitter or Facebook or Buzz? How about emailing us to all your friends? Yes, all of them. How about that? How about coming back tomorrow? Hope you have a great Wednesday and I'll see you again tomorrow!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 20, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
Cable network TLC is planning a week of coverage for the upcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The network pledged to cover the events with their usual respect and decorum, including reenactments of the ceremony performed by midgets and a special all-British episode of Sister Wives.
Cable network TLC is planning a week of coverage for the upcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The network pledged to cover the events with their usual respect and decorum, including reenactments of the ceremony performed by midgets and a special all-British episode of Sister Wives.
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