In California a Taco Bell employee posted a photo to Facebook that showed him apparently licking a stack of taco shells in the restaurant's kitchen. Absolutely disgusting. Does he have any idea what kind of bacteria live on those things?
In an unrelated story, scientists are suggesting that for humanity to survive in the future, we're going to have to start eating insects for our protein. So, Taco Bell is ready.
At Sotheby's auction house, a rare book of Psalms printed in 1640 is expected to bring over $15 million at auction. "Great news," said a guy who is unfamiliar with what Psalms actually say.
Yahoo! announced their search results page is getting a visual makeover. And it now redirects to Google.com
Responding to a dare, a team of Honda engineers have created a lawn mower that can cut grass at speeds of up to 130 miles per hour. It wasn't intended to go that fast, but since it's a Honda, the accelerator kept getting stuck. It's part of Honda's new "Machines of Death" line.
Brazil's Department of Health has discontinued an online ad campaign called "I'm a Happy Prostitute," meant to shed light on health issues related to prostitution, which is legal in Brazil. It has been replaced with "I'm A Miserable Office Worker."
In Arizona, people are up in arms over a 9 foot gargoyle sculpture that prominently features a very visible phallus. Even worse: the gargoyle came from Mexico and stole a job from a hardworking American gargoyle.
Sheriff Arpaio has already arrested the statue and violated its civil rights.
A recent study found that a majority of patients do not access an online video meant to help them prepare for a colonoscopy. Most likely, because it is a video about colonoscopies.
First Lady Michelle Obama shut down a heckler at a speaking engagement this week. When heckled, she responded "hey, I don't come down to where you work and hassle you, buddy. Probably because you don't have a job, since the economy is so weak." It's funnier when she says it.
In Florida, an 84-year old woman won a $370 million Powerball jackpot. "Great," the woman said, "now I can finally afford to retire someplace better than Florida!"
And finally, in Minneapolis, a high school cheerleader was arrested for pimping out a younger student. Administrators at the school became suspicious when they saw what the young woman was doing with the school's spirit stick.
Showing posts with label prostitution. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prostitution. Show all posts
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 24, 2013
Hey, super-big blog today! Enjoy it.
Scientists studying tree rings found a massive burst of gamma radiation all over the planet 1200 years ago, which would account for the widespread medieval Hulkism.
New Kids on the Block, 98 Degrees and Boyz II Men are joining forces for the new "The Package" tour. Too bad the package has passed it's expiration date.
Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that he still loves Maria Shriver, probably because she didn't break his heart by having lots and lots of sex with the maid.
Scientists are looking for a more effective flu vaccine this season. Their goal is to get it so effective that it prevents the flu even in inconsiderate a-holes who refuse to get the shot.
A new study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that condoms do not diminish sexual pleasure for Americans. What does diminish sexual pleasure for Americans? Calling the penis "John Boehner."
Speaking of sexiness, UK Prime Minister David Cameron promised the people of the UK an "in/out" referendum on EU membership. In/out. Member. Yep, we're classy.
An Irish council member went on record saying that drinking helped depression and mental illness. It's assumed he left out the words "cause and worsen" in his statement.
Chile is expanding its military, with a planned air base in Antarctica, which is great news for prostitutes who love the cold.
Authorities were dispatched to Chris Brown's home recently after a prankster called in a report of domestic violence. And by "prankster," we probably mean Rihanna.
Chipotle is testing shredded tofu as a meat replacement in its San Francisco stores. In a related story, Taco Bell is testing horse meat.
And finally, Manti Te'o recently spoke with Katie Couric about his fake-girlfriend-hoax scandal, leading to speculation that Katie Couric may not really exist.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - July 5, 2012
Good morning, everybody. I hope you're having a groovy Thursday. I know I (probably) am. I don't know for sure. I write these in advance. If anyone can confirm the grooviness of my Thursday, please let me know. In exchange, partake of these jokes.
Did you hear about the big discovery in physics? Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Cern, Switzerland, believe they have confirmed the existence of one of the building blocks of the universe: the Higgs Boson particle. In case you didn't know, this is kind of a big deal. So much so that the atmosphere at the press conference confirming the discovery was "like a rock concert" according to a physicist who has never been to a rock concert. In honor of their hard work, I now offer you some particle-themed dirty talk:
1. Just like the Higgs Boson, I'll help you get a firmer grasp of physics. And by "physics" I mean my penis.
2. Wanna super-collide our junk?
3. Maybe I'm drunk, but you look like you could be a Standard Model.
4. Mmm.... Gonna tap 'dat mass.
5. Your body is having an indirect effect on my pants.
Did you hear about the big discovery in physics? Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Cern, Switzerland, believe they have confirmed the existence of one of the building blocks of the universe: the Higgs Boson particle. In case you didn't know, this is kind of a big deal. So much so that the atmosphere at the press conference confirming the discovery was "like a rock concert" according to a physicist who has never been to a rock concert. In honor of their hard work, I now offer you some particle-themed dirty talk:
1. Just like the Higgs Boson, I'll help you get a firmer grasp of physics. And by "physics" I mean my penis.
2. Wanna super-collide our junk?
3. Maybe I'm drunk, but you look like you could be a Standard Model.
4. Mmm.... Gonna tap 'dat mass.
5. Your body is having an indirect effect on my pants.
In other news, a Kansas City police officer was accused this week of demanding that prostitutes have sex with him in order to avoid being arrested. And now no one gets off.
Facebook and General Motors are back in talks to put GM ads on Facebook again, but only if Facebook can promise better effectiveness for the ads, and fewer event invitations. Honestly, who likes those?
In Venice Beach, California, a nude man was found screaming and humping the air, apparently upset that he had just now found out he'd lost California's GOP Presidential Primary.
In television news, the major networks are heading to court to oppose Dish Network's new ad-skipping feature. But no one seems to mind their similar Whitney-skipping feature.
And finally, we've all heard by now that Tom Cruise is getting divorced for the second time, just as he's about to turn 50 years old. Yikes. A fifty year-old double-divorcee... I just can't imagine many women are gonna be sleeping with him now.
That's it. Keep on truckin' good buddies.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 24, 2012
What's up, friends? How about we find out... together. Aww...
In Egypt, the national presidential election began yesterday. Security forces were on hand to respond to violence from Ron Paul supporters.
In Pakistan, the doctor who helped the CIA find Osama bin Laden was sentenced to 33 years in prison for treason. Should have been spying on Tyler Clementi instead.
A vial purported to contain a sample of Ronald Reagan's blood is up for auction. How about we infect the Gipper's sample with HIV? Maybe then the GOP would fund some AIDS research.
Speaking of the GOP, Newt Gingrich's private venture projects are going bankrupt, so he may have to get back into the presidential race. LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE FREE MARKET!
Zoologists have found evidence of Chimps exhibiting human behavior recently. Specifically, they've noticed an increase in Chimps polluting the environment, buying lottery tickets and ignoring the news.
In Beijing, health officials are imposing an allowable limit of two flies per any public toilet. Any additional flies will be aborted. In a related story, Senator Larry Craig said "two flies per toilet? Sounds like a good start."
Secret Service agents dismissed in the prostitution scandal are contesting their firings, as well as their credit card bills.
And finally, Jack Kerouac's classic work On the Road is now a major motion picture, showing a whole new generation that writing doesn't need to be good to have an impact.
I'M LIVING PROOF! And that's it! Let's do it again tomorrow!
In Egypt, the national presidential election began yesterday. Security forces were on hand to respond to violence from Ron Paul supporters.
In Pakistan, the doctor who helped the CIA find Osama bin Laden was sentenced to 33 years in prison for treason. Should have been spying on Tyler Clementi instead.
A vial purported to contain a sample of Ronald Reagan's blood is up for auction. How about we infect the Gipper's sample with HIV? Maybe then the GOP would fund some AIDS research.
Speaking of the GOP, Newt Gingrich's private venture projects are going bankrupt, so he may have to get back into the presidential race. LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE FREE MARKET!
Zoologists have found evidence of Chimps exhibiting human behavior recently. Specifically, they've noticed an increase in Chimps polluting the environment, buying lottery tickets and ignoring the news.
In Beijing, health officials are imposing an allowable limit of two flies per any public toilet. Any additional flies will be aborted. In a related story, Senator Larry Craig said "two flies per toilet? Sounds like a good start."
Secret Service agents dismissed in the prostitution scandal are contesting their firings, as well as their credit card bills.
And finally, Jack Kerouac's classic work On the Road is now a major motion picture, showing a whole new generation that writing doesn't need to be good to have an impact.
I'M LIVING PROOF! And that's it! Let's do it again tomorrow!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 26, 2011
Yay! Keep it up! Let's get through this week! Oh, I forget sometimes how difficult it is to convey bitter, detached irony through text. Boo, hoo. Enjoy some jokes!
In royal news, Prince William gave an old pair of Princess Diana's earrings to Kate Middleton, who already wears Princess Diana's engagement ring. Along with the earrings, William also sent Kate a bottle of peroxide and a copy of Vertigo. Good flick.
In opera news, an Israeli orchestra is set to perform one of Hitler's favorite pieces, by Wagner, in Germany. It's quite possibly the most punk rock moment in operatic history.
In political news, the Syrian government announced that it will allow political parties, but they're still undecided on whether or not to allow political candidates.
Speaking of political candidates, Hugo Chavez will be running for re-election in 2012, because of course he will. However, he's expected to face a tough primary challenge from his tumor.
In Korea, a woman protesting job losses has now spent 200 days on top of a crane at a prominent shipping company. Just like a woman, right fellas?
In other industrial horror news, the formerly-trapped Chilean miners from Chile have reached an agreement on a movie deal based upon their lives and their harrowing time spent trapped for weeks in total darkness by a collapse at the mine. The movie is tentatively called Don't Be a Miner!
Police in New York busted a prostitution ring worth $7million. What tipped them off? Probably all those bags of ten dollar bills stuck together. That's why you've gotta launder your money...
And finally, Chinese law enforcement has been hard at work recently shutting down fake Apple Stores selling counterfeit Apple products. How do they know the products are fake? They weren't made in China.
That's it. Come back tomorrow, and maybe there will be a debt-ceiling joke. Maybe?
Till then, have a great day!
In royal news, Prince William gave an old pair of Princess Diana's earrings to Kate Middleton, who already wears Princess Diana's engagement ring. Along with the earrings, William also sent Kate a bottle of peroxide and a copy of Vertigo. Good flick.
In opera news, an Israeli orchestra is set to perform one of Hitler's favorite pieces, by Wagner, in Germany. It's quite possibly the most punk rock moment in operatic history.
In political news, the Syrian government announced that it will allow political parties, but they're still undecided on whether or not to allow political candidates.
Speaking of political candidates, Hugo Chavez will be running for re-election in 2012, because of course he will. However, he's expected to face a tough primary challenge from his tumor.
In Korea, a woman protesting job losses has now spent 200 days on top of a crane at a prominent shipping company. Just like a woman, right fellas?
In other industrial horror news, the formerly-trapped Chilean miners from Chile have reached an agreement on a movie deal based upon their lives and their harrowing time spent trapped for weeks in total darkness by a collapse at the mine. The movie is tentatively called Don't Be a Miner!
Police in New York busted a prostitution ring worth $7million. What tipped them off? Probably all those bags of ten dollar bills stuck together. That's why you've gotta launder your money...
And finally, Chinese law enforcement has been hard at work recently shutting down fake Apple Stores selling counterfeit Apple products. How do they know the products are fake? They weren't made in China.
That's it. Come back tomorrow, and maybe there will be a debt-ceiling joke. Maybe?
Till then, have a great day!
Monday, July 4, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 5, 2011
Back to work, everybody. That includes you, Steve. And it includes me. Here are some more jokes.
In London this week, a life-size statue of President Ronald Reagan was unveiled in front of the U.S. Embassy. Strangely, the statue is actually crying, because it was built with taxpayer funds.
In Venezuela, Dear Leader Hugo Chavez vowed to fight his cancer like he's fought against the U.S.A.: with insane conspiracy theories.
In Mexico, a founding member of the Zetas drug cartel was arrested this week. They'll probably replace him, but it's never quite the same after you break up the original lineup. Just ask Menudo.
In North Ireland, a study found that residents spend over $800,000 on prostitution every week. Seems like the Greek bailout should involve a hooker-exchange program, right?
In Germany, Otto von Habsburg, the last living heir to the Austro-Hungarian empire and the fanciest instance of inbreeding in modern history, died at the tender age 98. Since he died of natural causes, I wonder who gets his cards? That's a RISK! joke. My apologies to people who played outside when they were kids.
In Michigan, an inmate sued the state over its ban on pornography in prison, claiming that it is cruel and unusual punishment. At least they're not making him watch "Two Girls, One Cup." DON'T GOOGLE THAT!
The Federal Aviation Administration recently gave permission to air traffic controllers to skip work if they're too tired to stay awake. This is fantastic news for people who like to avoid mid-air collisions. Come to think of it, maybe this is why the Reagan statue is crying. Because he fought the air traffic controllers union. Get it? It's history! Oh, forget it. Next up is a joke about a monkey.
Lastly, an escaped baboon was captured after leading authorities on a wild chase through the town of Howell, New Jersey. Look for the telegenic, outgoing primate to replace whats-his-name on The Jersey Shore if contract negotiations don't pan out.
Well, that's all for now. I do hope you're getting enough sleep, everybody. Yes, even you, Steve. Have a great day, and we'll see you tomorrow!
In London this week, a life-size statue of President Ronald Reagan was unveiled in front of the U.S. Embassy. Strangely, the statue is actually crying, because it was built with taxpayer funds.
In Venezuela, Dear Leader Hugo Chavez vowed to fight his cancer like he's fought against the U.S.A.: with insane conspiracy theories.
In Mexico, a founding member of the Zetas drug cartel was arrested this week. They'll probably replace him, but it's never quite the same after you break up the original lineup. Just ask Menudo.
In North Ireland, a study found that residents spend over $800,000 on prostitution every week. Seems like the Greek bailout should involve a hooker-exchange program, right?
In Germany, Otto von Habsburg, the last living heir to the Austro-Hungarian empire and the fanciest instance of inbreeding in modern history, died at the tender age 98. Since he died of natural causes, I wonder who gets his cards? That's a RISK! joke. My apologies to people who played outside when they were kids.
In Michigan, an inmate sued the state over its ban on pornography in prison, claiming that it is cruel and unusual punishment. At least they're not making him watch "Two Girls, One Cup." DON'T GOOGLE THAT!
The Federal Aviation Administration recently gave permission to air traffic controllers to skip work if they're too tired to stay awake. This is fantastic news for people who like to avoid mid-air collisions. Come to think of it, maybe this is why the Reagan statue is crying. Because he fought the air traffic controllers union. Get it? It's history! Oh, forget it. Next up is a joke about a monkey.
Lastly, an escaped baboon was captured after leading authorities on a wild chase through the town of Howell, New Jersey. Look for the telegenic, outgoing primate to replace whats-his-name on The Jersey Shore if contract negotiations don't pan out.
Well, that's all for now. I do hope you're getting enough sleep, everybody. Yes, even you, Steve. Have a great day, and we'll see you tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 9, 2011
Did anyone else think that the National Anthem was handled with greater care and respect at the Puppy Bowl than the Super Bowl? Well, how about some jokes?
Still reeling from a slew of negative reviews from theater critics, the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark suffered another setback this week when it was featured in a new Groupon commercial. That's a tough break, which is also what happened to the limbs of several actors in the production.
In China, fireworks set off to celebrate Chinese New Year caused 194 fires in Beijing. No fatalities were reported, however, which is largely due to the repeated fire safety drills and evacuations encouraged by the Chinese government. Yes, that's a Chinese Fire Drill joke.
A recent study found that Facebook is replacing Craigslist as the go-to website for prostitution, which is good news for people who "LIKE" paying for sex with strangers.
In other Facebook news, Mark Zuckerberg is being stalked on Facebook. At Myspace headquarters, Tom said "boy, I sure am glad I don't have that problem. Zucks to be you! That's funny, right," he asked to an empty room.
In Syria, the government lifted a recent ban on Facebook, which is great news for Syrian prostitutes. The previous ban, which also covered YouTube, had been in place for three years, meaning that Syrians have never seen Auto-Tune The News. We really do take our freedoms for granted.
In celebrity news, Pancho Villa's finger is for sale in Texas pawn shop. The owner of the pawn shop hopes that the notoriety from the finger will stir up business, because if there's one thing you want in your store, it's a bunch of people who are interested in buying old human body parts.
In old musician news, Eddie Van Halen donated his guitar to the Smithsonian. It will be on display alongside his original hip and David Lee Roth's dignity.
Lastly, the Mayor of Detroit nixed plans for a lifesize statue of RoboCop, saying that it would reinforce the idea that Detroit is violent and dangerous. Also reinforcing that idea: rampant violence in Detroit.
Alright, that's it. Thank your for your cooperation.
Still reeling from a slew of negative reviews from theater critics, the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark suffered another setback this week when it was featured in a new Groupon commercial. That's a tough break, which is also what happened to the limbs of several actors in the production.
In China, fireworks set off to celebrate Chinese New Year caused 194 fires in Beijing. No fatalities were reported, however, which is largely due to the repeated fire safety drills and evacuations encouraged by the Chinese government. Yes, that's a Chinese Fire Drill joke.
A recent study found that Facebook is replacing Craigslist as the go-to website for prostitution, which is good news for people who "LIKE" paying for sex with strangers.
In other Facebook news, Mark Zuckerberg is being stalked on Facebook. At Myspace headquarters, Tom said "boy, I sure am glad I don't have that problem. Zucks to be you! That's funny, right," he asked to an empty room.
In Syria, the government lifted a recent ban on Facebook, which is great news for Syrian prostitutes. The previous ban, which also covered YouTube, had been in place for three years, meaning that Syrians have never seen Auto-Tune The News. We really do take our freedoms for granted.
In celebrity news, Pancho Villa's finger is for sale in Texas pawn shop. The owner of the pawn shop hopes that the notoriety from the finger will stir up business, because if there's one thing you want in your store, it's a bunch of people who are interested in buying old human body parts.
In old musician news, Eddie Van Halen donated his guitar to the Smithsonian. It will be on display alongside his original hip and David Lee Roth's dignity.
Lastly, the Mayor of Detroit nixed plans for a lifesize statue of RoboCop, saying that it would reinforce the idea that Detroit is violent and dangerous. Also reinforcing that idea: rampant violence in Detroit.
Alright, that's it. Thank your for your cooperation.
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