Texas A&M wide receiver Thomas Johnson was found safely in Dallas yesterday after disappearing earlier in the week. Coaches were relieved to have him back, and will be more specific next time they tell him to go long.
United Airlines had a massive computer outage yesterday, forcing them to work without the technology that has made it so much easier for them to deliver shitty service. Just like the olden times.
eBay is testing a new same-day delivery service, for when you absolutely can't wait to have the things that you absolutely don't have to have.
In South Africa a man was arrested with 220 diamonds hidden in his stomach. Authorities accused him of smuggling, although it's likely he was planning to take the world's most expensive dump.
Seattle Police just published a guide to legal marijuana use. Fortunately it was printed on rolling papers.
New Scrabble boards include RFID chips to broadcast your games over the Internet, so that bullies will know exactly where to go to kick your ass.
A new study found that "exposure" to living in America increases the risk of diabetes for immigrants. More importantly, however, it increases the risk of exposure to Kardashians.
And finally, soccer star Luis Suarez said, following a trade from Manchester United to Liverpool, that he's happy to be in Liverpool, making him the only person who is happy to be in Liverpool.
That's it! See you next week!
Showing posts with label soccer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label soccer. Show all posts
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - November 10, 2011
This is your Thursday. MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or not, actually. I really enjoy hearing you all scream at your computers, but I need to get some sleep. So while I do that, enjoy these jokes. Handcrafted with choice barley and hops:
In philathropy news, Justin Bieber will be giving up his snake to a stranger as part of a charity auction, which sounds like the basis for another paternity suit.
Snooki said this week that the Jersey Shore is better than Italy. And Italy breathed a sigh of relief.
Eddie Murphy quit the Oscars, following the exit of producer Brett Ratner from the ceremony on Tuesday. Murphy said he won't work with anyone else, which explains why he doesn't make good movies any more.
President Obama, in a money-saving measure, ordered government agencies to cut back on branded trinkets, meaning that now you'll no longer be able to get the "I Was Illegally Tortured at a CIA Black Site Prison and All I Got was this Lousy Shirt" shirts. Tough break.
Morgan Freeman earned the Cecile B. DeMille lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes, and he can't wait to celebrate with some extra-marital sex. Go get 'em, Morgan!
International soccer authority Fifa will allow UK teams to adorn their uniforms with poppies this week in honor of the WWI armistice. German teams will be allowed to mark the occasion with crippling reparations and disarmament.
Authorities responded to a three-alarm fire at Skywalker Ranch yesterday. It was actually only a one alarm fire, but Lucas went back afterward and added in two additional alarms, and Boba Fett. Sadly, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were lost in the blaze.
And lastly, at Wednesday's GOP debate, Governor Rick Perry said... wait, what was I going to write? Oh, this is embarrassing.
And that's the end. Come back for Spencer tomorrow, and I'll see you on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
In philathropy news, Justin Bieber will be giving up his snake to a stranger as part of a charity auction, which sounds like the basis for another paternity suit.
Snooki said this week that the Jersey Shore is better than Italy. And Italy breathed a sigh of relief.
Eddie Murphy quit the Oscars, following the exit of producer Brett Ratner from the ceremony on Tuesday. Murphy said he won't work with anyone else, which explains why he doesn't make good movies any more.
President Obama, in a money-saving measure, ordered government agencies to cut back on branded trinkets, meaning that now you'll no longer be able to get the "I Was Illegally Tortured at a CIA Black Site Prison and All I Got was this Lousy Shirt" shirts. Tough break.
Morgan Freeman earned the Cecile B. DeMille lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes, and he can't wait to celebrate with some extra-marital sex. Go get 'em, Morgan!
International soccer authority Fifa will allow UK teams to adorn their uniforms with poppies this week in honor of the WWI armistice. German teams will be allowed to mark the occasion with crippling reparations and disarmament.
Authorities responded to a three-alarm fire at Skywalker Ranch yesterday. It was actually only a one alarm fire, but Lucas went back afterward and added in two additional alarms, and Boba Fett. Sadly, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were lost in the blaze.
And lastly, at Wednesday's GOP debate, Governor Rick Perry said... wait, what was I going to write? Oh, this is embarrassing.
And that's the end. Come back for Spencer tomorrow, and I'll see you on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 23, 2011
You should know that on this day in 1775, King George of England declared that the American colonies were in a state or open and avowed rebellion. So, that's cool, right? History man, what a trip. But what's happening today? Or actually yesterday?
It's nothing but bad news for a-holes in the Arab world, with governments in Syria and Libya both coming unraveled after decades of corrupt, incompetent mismanagement. Wait a minute, is NBC some sort of Arabian despotism?
Speaking of despots, North Korean "leader" Kim Jong-il recently visited Russia in his own personal armored train. Strangely enough, the South Korean President has an armored train, too, although his is called the Seoul Train.
In Florida, a woman was arrested for trying to sell her five year-old son. Apparently she didn't have the right business license. AYN RAND WAS RIGHT!
Former Hugh Hefner-boner Crystal Harris has reportedly landed a deal for her own reality show. Although she'll probably drop out of filming the day before it's supposed to start, then go talk to Howard Stern for some reason.
A recent study found that eight out of ten people have toxic friendships. In a related study, two out of ten people are such jerks that even toxic bastards don't want to be friends with them.
The Homeless World Cup kicked off in Paris this weekend. It's like the regular world cup, but with less alcohol.
Kate Winslet had to flee a fire this week that destroyed Richard Branson's private island. And yes, James Bond was probably behind it.
Oh, and lastly, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got married this weekend. Take that, England.
Okay, that's all I've got for you. Let's do this again, say in twenty four hours?
Till then, have a great day!
It's nothing but bad news for a-holes in the Arab world, with governments in Syria and Libya both coming unraveled after decades of corrupt, incompetent mismanagement. Wait a minute, is NBC some sort of Arabian despotism?
Speaking of despots, North Korean "leader" Kim Jong-il recently visited Russia in his own personal armored train. Strangely enough, the South Korean President has an armored train, too, although his is called the Seoul Train.
In Florida, a woman was arrested for trying to sell her five year-old son. Apparently she didn't have the right business license. AYN RAND WAS RIGHT!
Former Hugh Hefner-boner Crystal Harris has reportedly landed a deal for her own reality show. Although she'll probably drop out of filming the day before it's supposed to start, then go talk to Howard Stern for some reason.
A recent study found that eight out of ten people have toxic friendships. In a related study, two out of ten people are such jerks that even toxic bastards don't want to be friends with them.
The Homeless World Cup kicked off in Paris this weekend. It's like the regular world cup, but with less alcohol.
Kate Winslet had to flee a fire this week that destroyed Richard Branson's private island. And yes, James Bond was probably behind it.
Oh, and lastly, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got married this weekend. Take that, England.
Okay, that's all I've got for you. Let's do this again, say in twenty four hours?
Till then, have a great day!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Fridays with Spencer: A Buffet of Jokes!
How ya doing out there, internets? We've got a great post for you today! Chris Kattan is going to do a line of blow and then appear on Jimmy Fallon. So enjoy that. Did I tell you that I had a bit-part in a Chris Kattan movie he shot in Oklahoma? I did. Perhaps one day I will be as talented as Chris Kattan.
Sketchers' plans to slowly pull back the advertising for their Shape-up style shoe. They decided that to the demographic they are selling to, putting on shoes IS exercise.
In President Obama's address to the nation, he quoted Ronald Reagan. Republicans threw a fit because he used their God's name in vain.
Since Beohner and Obama can't get along, I suggest we give a try to the people that have to get panda's to mate.
In other financial talk, the NFL and the NFL Players Union agreed on a plan that includes a continuation of revenue sharing. The most popular form of Socialism in America at the moment.
For the record, I think Michele Bachmann would be a terrible president. But her husband would be a very elegant first lady.
Speaking of Michele Bachmann, she admitted that she gets terrible migraines. But that is just a trick to make America think she has a brain.
Comic-Con wrapped up last week in San Diego. Which means if you see lots of white people in masks, they are comic book nerds. If you see black people in masks, run.
In a recent Gallop poll, 42% of responders said they would vote for Michele Bachmann. Which means America is not having enough abortions.
U.S. Soccer said Thursday it has fired men's national team coach Bob Bradley. They will also soon be firing all the players and replacing everyone with the U.S. Soccer Women's team. Jog Bras for everyone!
That's it for me. Thank you for reading.
Sketchers' plans to slowly pull back the advertising for their Shape-up style shoe. They decided that to the demographic they are selling to, putting on shoes IS exercise.
In President Obama's address to the nation, he quoted Ronald Reagan. Republicans threw a fit because he used their God's name in vain.
Since Beohner and Obama can't get along, I suggest we give a try to the people that have to get panda's to mate.
In other financial talk, the NFL and the NFL Players Union agreed on a plan that includes a continuation of revenue sharing. The most popular form of Socialism in America at the moment.
For the record, I think Michele Bachmann would be a terrible president. But her husband would be a very elegant first lady.
Speaking of Michele Bachmann, she admitted that she gets terrible migraines. But that is just a trick to make America think she has a brain.
Comic-Con wrapped up last week in San Diego. Which means if you see lots of white people in masks, they are comic book nerds. If you see black people in masks, run.
In a recent Gallop poll, 42% of responders said they would vote for Michele Bachmann. Which means America is not having enough abortions.
U.S. Soccer said Thursday it has fired men's national team coach Bob Bradley. They will also soon be firing all the players and replacing everyone with the U.S. Soccer Women's team. Jog Bras for everyone!
That's it for me. Thank you for reading.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 19, 2011
Oh my, it's Tuesday. Remember, no matter how hard you work or how great you are, it's going to be Tuesday all day long. So, just relax. And enjoy these jokes.
Presidential candidate Herman Cain said on Sunday that Americans should be allowed to ban Mosques from being built in their communities if they choose to. That's how democracy works, right? He said that the First Amendment guarantees that right. Hmm. He seems to have lost all memory of the civil rights movement as well as the ability to interpret the First Amendment properly. How is it he's not on the Supreme Court?
Speaking of legal stuff, the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, is back in the news, kind of. Her songwriting partner is suing their publishing company to recover payments from the company for songs the duo penned together. At the heart of the matter? "R-O-Y-A-L-T-Y. That they never paid this guy." Okay, that's a crap joke. You're absolutely right not to laugh at that. I just hope I still have your... what's the word? Oh, right! Esteem! Whew, that was close.
I'm sorry.
In Milan this week, Silvio Berlusconi's trial for sex-crimes is proceeding while Berlusconi continues to serve out the remainder of his term as Prime Minister. How ridiculous! What kind of country let's their chief executive stay in power while on trial for seedy, disgusting... oh, wait a minute. Never mind.
In Hawaii, a yearly Ukelele festival just got underway in Honolulu with participants coming from all over the world to share their love for tiny, high-pitched acoustic guitars. Meanwhile, no one seems to give a damn about my new festival: Recorder-ella. Give it time.
A recent poll revealed that the MTV trainwreck show The Jersey Shore has in fact not harmed the public's perception of New Jersey. I'm not sure New Jersey should be happy about that...
And some sports news coming out of the Women's World Cup this week, as FIFA revealed that five North Korean players tested positive for anabolic steroids. They did not, it turns out, test positive for having eaten food. Because North Korea doesn't have any. Oh, that's sad.
I'm sorry.
Work is under way in San Rafael, California, on a $650,000 trail being built around the home of Metallica singer James Hetfield. Lars Ulrich announced he will sue anyone who uses the trail without authorization. Yeah, that's a Napster joke.
And finally, in Sweden a man was charged with rape after his semen was discovered at a crime scene by a specially-trained sperm-sniffing dog. So, the next time you think you job sucks, just remember: you're not rubbing a German Shepherd's snout in a bunch of semen all day. Oh, and I won't be making another President Clinton reference here. Nope. Not at all.
Yep. That's how we'll end Tuesday. Hope you enjoyed it, and hope you come back tomorrow. There will probably be significantly less bodily fluid references. Maybe.
Alright, see you tomorrow! Have a great day!
Presidential candidate Herman Cain said on Sunday that Americans should be allowed to ban Mosques from being built in their communities if they choose to. That's how democracy works, right? He said that the First Amendment guarantees that right. Hmm. He seems to have lost all memory of the civil rights movement as well as the ability to interpret the First Amendment properly. How is it he's not on the Supreme Court?
Speaking of legal stuff, the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, is back in the news, kind of. Her songwriting partner is suing their publishing company to recover payments from the company for songs the duo penned together. At the heart of the matter? "R-O-Y-A-L-T-Y. That they never paid this guy." Okay, that's a crap joke. You're absolutely right not to laugh at that. I just hope I still have your... what's the word? Oh, right! Esteem! Whew, that was close.
I'm sorry.
In Milan this week, Silvio Berlusconi's trial for sex-crimes is proceeding while Berlusconi continues to serve out the remainder of his term as Prime Minister. How ridiculous! What kind of country let's their chief executive stay in power while on trial for seedy, disgusting... oh, wait a minute. Never mind.
In Hawaii, a yearly Ukelele festival just got underway in Honolulu with participants coming from all over the world to share their love for tiny, high-pitched acoustic guitars. Meanwhile, no one seems to give a damn about my new festival: Recorder-ella. Give it time.
A recent poll revealed that the MTV trainwreck show The Jersey Shore has in fact not harmed the public's perception of New Jersey. I'm not sure New Jersey should be happy about that...
And some sports news coming out of the Women's World Cup this week, as FIFA revealed that five North Korean players tested positive for anabolic steroids. They did not, it turns out, test positive for having eaten food. Because North Korea doesn't have any. Oh, that's sad.
I'm sorry.
Work is under way in San Rafael, California, on a $650,000 trail being built around the home of Metallica singer James Hetfield. Lars Ulrich announced he will sue anyone who uses the trail without authorization. Yeah, that's a Napster joke.
And finally, in Sweden a man was charged with rape after his semen was discovered at a crime scene by a specially-trained sperm-sniffing dog. So, the next time you think you job sucks, just remember: you're not rubbing a German Shepherd's snout in a bunch of semen all day. Oh, and I won't be making another President Clinton reference here. Nope. Not at all.
Yep. That's how we'll end Tuesday. Hope you enjoyed it, and hope you come back tomorrow. There will probably be significantly less bodily fluid references. Maybe.
Alright, see you tomorrow! Have a great day!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 12, 2011
Welcome to your Tuesday, my friends. Did you eat your peas yet? If you didn't, it probably means you want America to default on its debts. Boo to that. Booooooo. But yay for jokes!
After recent storms in Chicago, over 800,000 people were left without power. So they had to cook their sausages and listen to the Cubs lose in the dark, like animals. I assume that's what happens in Chicago. Everyone sits around eating sausage and watching the Cubs. Right?
In other sausage news, I mean sporting news, Russian cyclist and consanant-enthusiast Alexandr Kolobnev failed a drug screening while racing in the Tour de France. A visibly angered Kolobnev said "I knew that damn Armstrong pissed in my water bottle!" But no one understood him on account of his silly accent.
Back in America, many Sprint users were unable to send or receive text messages yesterday, making it that much harder for politicians to end their careers.
In news of the Internet, superfine actress Mila Kunis will be attending a formal dance with Marine Corps Sergeant Scott Moore after seeing a YouTube video posted by Sgt. Moore where he asked Ms. Kunis to go to the dance as his date. Settle down, sweaty Internet nerds. It only works if you're in the Marine Corps, and HALO doesn't count.
Do you guys watch Pawn Stars? You do? I'm actually surprised. Well, then you might enjoy this joke. Recently, one of the stars of the show, Corey "Big Hoss" Harrison lost 115lbs. The secret? It turns out his fat is a collectible. They just sucked it right out and sold it for a mint!
That was gross. Sorry about that.
Speaking of mint, the world's newest country, South Sudan, unveiled its new currency this week, the South Sudan Pound. In a related story, Glenn Beck is already pitching for a South Sudanese cash for gold company.
In Kendal, England, an owl flew into a woman's window, leaving the perfect image of the creature on the glass. Local birdwatchers suspect the owl probably got drunk at the Harry Potter premier party and flew off. That's why it's always important to stick with your wingman.
And finally, 22 people were arrested in Turkey this week in connection to a Football (soccer) match-fixing scam. The police became suspicious after some bizarrely high scoring matches. Seriously, 3 - nil? You expect anyone to believe that actually happens in soccer?
Three sports jokes, and only one involved steroids! How about that?
Anyway, that's all you get for now. But there's more later! Tomorrow, in fact! Come see us then.
And have a great day!
After recent storms in Chicago, over 800,000 people were left without power. So they had to cook their sausages and listen to the Cubs lose in the dark, like animals. I assume that's what happens in Chicago. Everyone sits around eating sausage and watching the Cubs. Right?
In other sausage news, I mean sporting news, Russian cyclist and consanant-enthusiast Alexandr Kolobnev failed a drug screening while racing in the Tour de France. A visibly angered Kolobnev said "I knew that damn Armstrong pissed in my water bottle!" But no one understood him on account of his silly accent.
Back in America, many Sprint users were unable to send or receive text messages yesterday, making it that much harder for politicians to end their careers.
In news of the Internet, superfine actress Mila Kunis will be attending a formal dance with Marine Corps Sergeant Scott Moore after seeing a YouTube video posted by Sgt. Moore where he asked Ms. Kunis to go to the dance as his date. Settle down, sweaty Internet nerds. It only works if you're in the Marine Corps, and HALO doesn't count.
Do you guys watch Pawn Stars? You do? I'm actually surprised. Well, then you might enjoy this joke. Recently, one of the stars of the show, Corey "Big Hoss" Harrison lost 115lbs. The secret? It turns out his fat is a collectible. They just sucked it right out and sold it for a mint!
That was gross. Sorry about that.
Speaking of mint, the world's newest country, South Sudan, unveiled its new currency this week, the South Sudan Pound. In a related story, Glenn Beck is already pitching for a South Sudanese cash for gold company.
In Kendal, England, an owl flew into a woman's window, leaving the perfect image of the creature on the glass. Local birdwatchers suspect the owl probably got drunk at the Harry Potter premier party and flew off. That's why it's always important to stick with your wingman.
And finally, 22 people were arrested in Turkey this week in connection to a Football (soccer) match-fixing scam. The police became suspicious after some bizarrely high scoring matches. Seriously, 3 - nil? You expect anyone to believe that actually happens in soccer?
Three sports jokes, and only one involved steroids! How about that?
Anyway, that's all you get for now. But there's more later! Tomorrow, in fact! Come see us then.
And have a great day!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - June 27, 2011
Happy ___day, happy ___day! Just don't use the first three letters, and it'll be a lot happier. Also, these jokes might help.
Joke Number One! The hacker group LulzSec is disbanding after a series of high profile attacks on government and industrial websites. Early reports indicate that one of them started dating Yoko Ono. Did you like how the joke about hackers was itself "hack?" Did anyone...? Oh, this is gonna be a long day.
Speaking of hackers, a 19 year old suspected of hacking into a British police agency "has Asperger's syndrome," according to authorities. So, wait. Is this an inspirational story? I'm confused.
For the third joke, we bring it back to America, where a couple who participated on the television show The Marriage Ref are filing for divorce. The couple blames the show's creator, Jerry Seinfeld, which is ridiculous, because he only breaks up a marriage when he wants to bang one of them.
Also in America, a rare photograph of Billy the Kid sold for $2.3 million. Why so high? Someone started a rumor you could see his junk. DAMN! America loves a junk shot!
Speaking of junk, Florence Henderson revealed recently that she got crabs in the 1970s after a one-night-stand with the Mayor of New York. That sound you just heard was your childhood throwing up.
In sporting news, the Women's World Cup of Football (soccer) got underway in Europe this weekend, giving American sports fans three separate reasons to not give a shit about it. Keep it up, America! This totally isn't getting old!
In other football news, players from Libya have started defecting to escape the violence of the civil war. After all, if they wanted that kind of chaos and danger, they could just go play with Zlatan Ibrahimović! HA! Take that, Zlatan! Wait, did you not get that one? Oh, just Google him.
Anyway, that's the end of today's funny business. Come back again sometime, huh? Maybe in a day? If you like, you can always tell your friends about all this hilarity. And don't forget to stay hydrated this summer. You'll feel a lot better!
Have a great day!
Joke Number One! The hacker group LulzSec is disbanding after a series of high profile attacks on government and industrial websites. Early reports indicate that one of them started dating Yoko Ono. Did you like how the joke about hackers was itself "hack?" Did anyone...? Oh, this is gonna be a long day.
Speaking of hackers, a 19 year old suspected of hacking into a British police agency "has Asperger's syndrome," according to authorities. So, wait. Is this an inspirational story? I'm confused.
For the third joke, we bring it back to America, where a couple who participated on the television show The Marriage Ref are filing for divorce. The couple blames the show's creator, Jerry Seinfeld, which is ridiculous, because he only breaks up a marriage when he wants to bang one of them.
Also in America, a rare photograph of Billy the Kid sold for $2.3 million. Why so high? Someone started a rumor you could see his junk. DAMN! America loves a junk shot!
Speaking of junk, Florence Henderson revealed recently that she got crabs in the 1970s after a one-night-stand with the Mayor of New York. That sound you just heard was your childhood throwing up.
Speaking of junk, there was some bad news for former stars of MTV's totally unscripted reality series The Hills. Yeah, this week Lauren Conrad and Kyle Howard split up after three years of tolerating each other. Apparently it took them this long to figure out they weren't on television anymore. No word as to Jerry Seinfeld's possible involvement.
In other football news, players from Libya have started defecting to escape the violence of the civil war. After all, if they wanted that kind of chaos and danger, they could just go play with Zlatan Ibrahimović! HA! Take that, Zlatan! Wait, did you not get that one? Oh, just Google him.
Anyway, that's the end of today's funny business. Come back again sometime, huh? Maybe in a day? If you like, you can always tell your friends about all this hilarity. And don't forget to stay hydrated this summer. You'll feel a lot better!
Have a great day!
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