After a brief hiatus, here we are again.
Popular UK band Coldplay made a surprise visit to India to shoot a new music video. This is a vast improvement over previous "surprise visits" to India from the UK that involved shooting.
Speaking of India, Prime Minister Narendra Modi will be joining Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg for a Q&A session about "how communities can work together to address social and economic challenges." Also, Modi will be asking how he can uninstall Facebook Messenger.
In other tech news, Google just hired the former Hyundai CEO John Krafcik to run their self-driving car division. It should be a perfect fit for Krafcik, who has plenty of experience with cars no one wants to drive.
Archaeologists have uncovered 10,000-year-old stone tools in Seattle. Scientists speculate that the tools were used to make primitive lattes. Or flannel. Whichever punchline you prefer.
Also in Seattle, schools will be closed again today for the fourth day of an ongoing teacher strike. Parents are scrambling to find daycare solutions, and may be forced to take their kids to the office. By which I mean Starbucks. If this strike goes on much longer, it could be a huge blow to the Poorly-Written Novels and Screenplays industry.
A recent Washington Post-ABC poll found that Hillary Clinton is losing support among white women. Thankfully, white women's support for Shonda Rhimes is at an all-time high.
Embattled county clerk Kim Davis will be back at work today following her imprisonment for being held in contempt of court. Rumor has it she will continue to defy the federal court order and return to prison, hoping for her own prison reality show: Orange is the New Bigot.
Have a great day! See you tomorrow?
Showing posts with label seattle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label seattle. Show all posts
Monday, September 14, 2015
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 20, 2013
Tensions are running high in Gibraltar after recent disputes about artificial reefs and queuing time at the border with Spain. A team from the European Union has been dispatched with instructions to be on the lookout for anyone who actually gives a shit.
Switzerland stopped a sale of ski lifts to North Korea yesterday. So there goes Pyongyang's plan to build the world's most repressive ski resort.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie just signed a law banning doctors from using therapies designed to convert gay people to straight. But he really just banned it because it would have been paid for by Obamacare.
In Ohio, a man purchased a gun safe on the Internet, and when it was delivered he found 285 pounds of marijuana stashed inside. And we only know about this story because that man is the least cool person on the planet.
The CIA recently released documents indicating the agency was responsible for the 1953 Iranian coup, which proves that one point in time the CIA was, in fact, responsible for something.
In England and Wales, the age limit for jurors was just raised to 75. So, look for a lot more convictions for whippersnappering and general lawn-harassment.
Actor Dick Van Dyke was uninjured after his car caught fire in Los Angeles. Angela Lansbury is already investigating.
And finally, there is a push underway in Seattle to get the minimum wage raised to $15, or as it is known in Seattle "One Latte."
That's it.
Switzerland stopped a sale of ski lifts to North Korea yesterday. So there goes Pyongyang's plan to build the world's most repressive ski resort.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie just signed a law banning doctors from using therapies designed to convert gay people to straight. But he really just banned it because it would have been paid for by Obamacare.
In Ohio, a man purchased a gun safe on the Internet, and when it was delivered he found 285 pounds of marijuana stashed inside. And we only know about this story because that man is the least cool person on the planet.
The CIA recently released documents indicating the agency was responsible for the 1953 Iranian coup, which proves that one point in time the CIA was, in fact, responsible for something.
In England and Wales, the age limit for jurors was just raised to 75. So, look for a lot more convictions for whippersnappering and general lawn-harassment.
Actor Dick Van Dyke was uninjured after his car caught fire in Los Angeles. Angela Lansbury is already investigating.
And finally, there is a push underway in Seattle to get the minimum wage raised to $15, or as it is known in Seattle "One Latte."
That's it.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 3, 2013
Some half-and-half for your coffee this morning? As in "the week is half-over, and these jokes are half-funny." Enjoy.
Lindsay Lohan is not pregnant. The actress announced her pregnancy via Twitter as an April Fool's joke this week, then revealed the hoax. She said she was overjoyed to see how many people cared about her, but you know, not enough to do something about her.
In Seattle, 44,000 people requested season tickets for a hypothetical NBA franchise in the city. That number is expected to fall once they realize it's the Sacramento Kings.
A sheep in the U.K. gave birth to a healthy lamb with five legs. Scientists predict the lamb will be 25% more filling than a normal lamb.
Archaeologists found the long lost ruins of a site known as "The Gate to Hell." The Turkish ruins are thought to be the world's first bank.
Online game company Zynga will begin offering gambling with real money today, so now they can lose your money even if you don't invest with them.
Viewers are flocking to webcams on Animal Planet's website that feature a wide range of animals in their natural environments. The idea came from The Jersey Shore.
A Pittsburgh man is accused of stealing promotional cakes from a "Cake Boss" event. In a related story, his prison nickname will also be "Cakes."
And finally, Hillary Clinton supporters have already started raising money for her possible run in 2016. Fundraisers cannot wait to see who she loses the nomination to next.
And that's it!
Lindsay Lohan is not pregnant. The actress announced her pregnancy via Twitter as an April Fool's joke this week, then revealed the hoax. She said she was overjoyed to see how many people cared about her, but you know, not enough to do something about her.
In Seattle, 44,000 people requested season tickets for a hypothetical NBA franchise in the city. That number is expected to fall once they realize it's the Sacramento Kings.
A sheep in the U.K. gave birth to a healthy lamb with five legs. Scientists predict the lamb will be 25% more filling than a normal lamb.
Archaeologists found the long lost ruins of a site known as "The Gate to Hell." The Turkish ruins are thought to be the world's first bank.
Online game company Zynga will begin offering gambling with real money today, so now they can lose your money even if you don't invest with them.
Viewers are flocking to webcams on Animal Planet's website that feature a wide range of animals in their natural environments. The idea came from The Jersey Shore.
A Pittsburgh man is accused of stealing promotional cakes from a "Cake Boss" event. In a related story, his prison nickname will also be "Cakes."
And finally, Hillary Clinton supporters have already started raising money for her possible run in 2016. Fundraisers cannot wait to see who she loses the nomination to next.
And that's it!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Friday Morning Monologue - November 16, 2012
Texas A&M wide receiver Thomas Johnson was found safely in Dallas yesterday after disappearing earlier in the week. Coaches were relieved to have him back, and will be more specific next time they tell him to go long.
United Airlines had a massive computer outage yesterday, forcing them to work without the technology that has made it so much easier for them to deliver shitty service. Just like the olden times.
eBay is testing a new same-day delivery service, for when you absolutely can't wait to have the things that you absolutely don't have to have.
In South Africa a man was arrested with 220 diamonds hidden in his stomach. Authorities accused him of smuggling, although it's likely he was planning to take the world's most expensive dump.
Seattle Police just published a guide to legal marijuana use. Fortunately it was printed on rolling papers.
New Scrabble boards include RFID chips to broadcast your games over the Internet, so that bullies will know exactly where to go to kick your ass.
A new study found that "exposure" to living in America increases the risk of diabetes for immigrants. More importantly, however, it increases the risk of exposure to Kardashians.
And finally, soccer star Luis Suarez said, following a trade from Manchester United to Liverpool, that he's happy to be in Liverpool, making him the only person who is happy to be in Liverpool.
That's it! See you next week!
United Airlines had a massive computer outage yesterday, forcing them to work without the technology that has made it so much easier for them to deliver shitty service. Just like the olden times.
eBay is testing a new same-day delivery service, for when you absolutely can't wait to have the things that you absolutely don't have to have.
In South Africa a man was arrested with 220 diamonds hidden in his stomach. Authorities accused him of smuggling, although it's likely he was planning to take the world's most expensive dump.
Seattle Police just published a guide to legal marijuana use. Fortunately it was printed on rolling papers.
New Scrabble boards include RFID chips to broadcast your games over the Internet, so that bullies will know exactly where to go to kick your ass.
A new study found that "exposure" to living in America increases the risk of diabetes for immigrants. More importantly, however, it increases the risk of exposure to Kardashians.
And finally, soccer star Luis Suarez said, following a trade from Manchester United to Liverpool, that he's happy to be in Liverpool, making him the only person who is happy to be in Liverpool.
That's it! See you next week!
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