Thursday Morning Monologue - August 22, 2013

Former Egyptian "President" Hosni Mubarak is out of prison and under house arrest. He's looking forward to ruthlessly crushing the weeds in his backyard garden.

New Watergate tapes came out yesterday, giving more insight into President Nixon's state of mind leading up to the scandal. Also, this posthumous release has finally cemented his position as the Tupac of American presidents.

A 6.2-magnitude earthquake shook Acapulco, Mexico, yesterday, momentarily causing hundreds of American tourists to stand up straight.

Former Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts denied rumors this week that he would run for governor, saying that he will instead get back to failing at things with his family instead.

In Texas, and American Airlines flight attendant trainee was arrested for calling in bomb threats to United Airlines. And that's why you don't haze flight attendant trainees, people.

The number of circumcisions performed in the United States is shrinking, but that's probably just because it was cold.

A new study found that kids who take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to develop Type 2 Diabetes later in life, while kids who don't take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to think they're Jesus.

And finally, new data indicates that the NSA has access to over 75% of all Internet traffic, so they probably know the one weird trick to reduce belly fat. And if they don't, then what the hell are we doing?

That's it!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 23, 2011

Hey, it's Wednesday! Can you believe it? Yeah, it's actually pretty believable considering yesterday was Tuesday. Also believable: we've got some jokes! Let's read 'em!

In political news, Senator Harry Reid wants to ban brothels in his home state of Nevada. Pundits in the state are calling the move "unexpected," and "a major-league cock-block."

In Libya, Colonel Muammar Gaddafi said he will not step down from power and vowed to become a "martyr" for Libya. The statement was met with great support from the people of Libya. Well, at least the "martyr" part.

In legal news, musician and pugilist Chris Brown is asking for his restraining order to be relaxed, allowing him to get closer to ex-girlfriend Rihanna. When asked why, he responded, "oh, no reason in particular. I just don't like being told where I can and can't go, you know? It just makes me so angry! Oh, thinking about it makes me wanna choke someone! Wait, what were we talking about?"

In other Brown news, Senator Scott Brown claimed this week that Lindsay Lohan "can do better and be better," saying the troubled actress could still overcome personal adversity like he did. When asked if he thought she could someday become a senator, he said "oh, sure. Just not a very good one. Clearly."

In non-royal wedding news, Ziona Chana, the 66-year-old leader of an obscure Indian religious sect, has married his 39th wife. When asked why, he explained "there's no religious reason for it, I'm just a huge cock-blocker. NOBODY GETS ANY BUT ME! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Speaking of jerks, professional villain Jesse James is writing a memoir, presumably because he has so much to say. The book will include a foreword from a large piece of human excrement, which will likely be the most thoughtful and well-written part of the entire book.

In Afghanistan, local police forces have started hiring criminals, in one of the clearest possible signals that they've just given up on law enforcement. Either that, or someone in HR started watching The Mod Squad.

Lastly, a new Facebook app allows users to track the relationship status of people they are interested in dating, which will make the whole "stalking" process a lot more efficient. A companion app, however, is in the works which would send reminders to you when your stalker's restraining order is about to expire. Chris Brown called it "a total cock-block."

That's it for today, everyone. I hope you've enjoyed the diversion! If so, tell your friends! Tell them in person or tell them electronically (see below). As always, I cherish your feedback, so sound off if you have anything to say. Remember, it's the Internet, so everyone's voice is valid and important.

See you tomorrow!