Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 11, 2011

Did anyone else hear Nancy Grace fart on Dancing with the Stars? Well I did, and now I demand that Auto-Tune The News make a song out of it. Anybody else? Okay, maybe not. If that does happen, I wouldn't complain. That's no joke. But these are:

I saw that the Justice Department sent out subpoenas related to the ATF's ill-fated Operation Fast and Furious. Sadly, Operation Transformers 2 remains unprosecuted.

Kanye West visited the Occupy Wall Street protest yesterday, so now we know where the world's next great protest song will be coming from.

In News Corp news, insiders say that Rupert Murdoch may be voted off the News Corp board of directors because of the embarrassing phone-hacking scandal that plagued the company this year. His only hope against getting voted off now is to win the next immunity challenge.

Facebook just released a dedicated application for the iPad, thus putting to rest any fears that the iPad would be used to increase productivity.

Remember that douchebag Joe the Plumber? He's running for Congress now. In a statement from the campaign, Joe said he was excited that Congressmen "don't have to pass some stupid certification class." The statement was written in crayon.

In China, the Chinese government closed 17 Wal-Mart stores for mislabeling pork as organic. Said one regulator "yeah, what kind of country would let a store get away with selling substandard products like that?"

In other business news, Netflix flip-flopped yesterday, announcing that it would not spin off its DVD rental site as a separate company called Qwikster. However, since they already bought the domain name, the company will use the website to sell "male enhancement pills."

A recent study shows that altruism in the workplace is seen as weakness while aggression and selfishness show strength, according to the National Institute of the Assholes at your Office.

Gonorrhea is becoming resistant to current treatments and may soon be incurable. Look for that bit of information in the next fundraising letter sent out by the Clinton Global Initiative.

Hank Williams Jr. wrote a song about Fox and Friends and ESPN and no one cares.

In middle schools, locker decorations such as magnetic wallpaper, shag rugs and chandeliers are now popular with students who have never heard of drugs.

Remember Libya? Well, Libyan forces are advancing through Gadhafi's hometown, taking several prominent landmarks in an attempt to earn the coup d'état badge on FourSquare.

And finally, China just marked the 100th anniversary of the People's Revolution, which ended thousands of years of brutal repression from dynastic emperors and replaced it with a century of brutal repression from the Communist party. But at least they've got Wal-Mart under control.

That's all for now, kiddos. Hope you enjoyed the extra long I-was-home-from-work-sized post today. Should I have saved some for tomorrow? Maybe, but that's not how I roll. Come back tomorrow to see more examples of my rolling. Till then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 4, 2011

Tuesday! Tuesday! Tuesday! Come on, let's get the energy up! Oh, screw it. Enjoy these jokes. I'm going to go drink some Vitamin Water and try to shake off the weekend. Okay.

We have some happy news in music this week, as celebrity "journalists" report that Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono are now on friendly terms. Good. I was getting sick of him making decent music.

After a deluge of questions about a possible presidential run, New Jersey governor Chris Christie will make a definitive announcement during an hourlong special on ESPN this Thursday.

In an interview this week, Roman Polanski said he "regretted" drugging and raping a 13 year-old girl 33 years ago, mainly because she just wasn't any good at having sex.

For the first time in years, Tiger Woods is no longer ranked in the top 50 golfers of the world. Now how's he supposed to get women?

In more music news, Courtney Love will be writing her memoirs. And by "writing" I mean "scrawling them on her arms, legs and stomach in permanent marker.

In international news, Russel Brand was recently denied entry to Canada. And that's how Canada avoided syphilis.

According to a 60 Minutes poll, only 35% of Americans know what GOP actually stands for. Most think it stands for small government and reasonable taxes. Ha! Oh, that's rich.

And lastly, Bank of America announced a new $5 monthly fee for bank cards. It's part of their strategy to make people so angry that pissed off mobs of customers burn down every Bank of America location so they can get the insurance money.

Well, that's all. Oh, I almost forgot: Hank Williams, Jr. is a dickhead.

Come back tomorrow for more finely-honed social satire. Until then, have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 5, 2011

Hot damn! Is it Friday? No, it's Thursday. Rope it in a bit. But not too much, because it's CINCO DE MAYO! If you can, you should go to Taco Mayo today. And then don't make any plans for tomorrow. Okay, prepare to be amused.

In sporting news, ESPN signed an agreement to boost its coverage of the World Series of Poker, unless the NFL lockout gets called off, of course. Because poker isn't a sport. It's a rule, people: if counting is more helpful than steroids, it's not a sport.

Remember Chef Boyardee? Well, his niece is writing a cookbook this year. Spoiler alert: every recipe begins with "find a can opener" and ends with "be disappointed."

According to a recent poll, 60% of American voters would not vote for Sarah Palin or Donald Trump in a presidential race, under any circumstances. The most common reason given by voters: "I'm not an idiot."

In legal news, the US Department of Justice asked the NCAA for information on how the Bowl Championship Series works. Said an NCAA spokesman, "uh, we actually aren't sure. There's probably some math, and favoritism. STATISTICS! Not favoritism, ha ha ha. Please don't print that." Also, it's a bad week to be annoying President Obama.

In other non-sport news, protesters are trying to get Donald Trump removed from the Indy 500 pace car. I don't know. It seems like a natural fit to me. After all, they both spend their time going around in circles, making lots of noise but never really getting anywhere.

In romantic news, Marie Osmond remarried her first husband this weekend. After the ceremony, she reportedly said "wait, I did what? Oh, for cryin' out loud."

Pre-production is getting underway for the next James Bond film, and producers are seeking product placement agreements. There's a rumor that they may sell Donald Trump the role of the egomaniacal villain. A representative for the producers said "It would save us a lot of money on scriptwriting costs. Turns out he's really good at chewing scenery and ad-libing insane, evil nonsense." But then again, they'll probably just have to give it to Jay Leno.

And lastly, L.A. Clippers power forward Blake Griffin was unanimously voted NBA's Rookie of the Year yesterday. Upon learning the news, the 22-year old phenom said "I'd like to thank my team..." before staring off into the distance for just a moment and wistfully repeating "my team. Yeah. The L.A. Clippers. I'm a lucky guy..."

That's all for me this week! I'll be at Clam Broth House tomorrow night in Hoboken, so you should come see me. You should also come back for Spencer and Earnest this weekend for more laughs. 

Congratulations to Blake Griffin, who is far more gracious than I've made him out to be, and I hope you all have a series of great days until next we meet!