Did anyone else hear Nancy Grace fart on Dancing with the Stars? Well I did, and now I demand that Auto-Tune The News make a song out of it. Anybody else? Okay, maybe not. If that does happen, I wouldn't complain. That's no joke. But these are:
I saw that the Justice Department sent out subpoenas related to the ATF's ill-fated Operation Fast and Furious. Sadly, Operation Transformers 2 remains unprosecuted.
Kanye West visited the Occupy Wall Street protest yesterday, so now we know where the world's next great protest song will be coming from.
In News Corp news, insiders say that Rupert Murdoch may be voted off the News Corp board of directors because of the embarrassing phone-hacking scandal that plagued the company this year. His only hope against getting voted off now is to win the next immunity challenge.
Facebook just released a dedicated application for the iPad, thus putting to rest any fears that the iPad would be used to increase productivity.
Remember that douchebag Joe the Plumber? He's running for Congress now. In a statement from the campaign, Joe said he was excited that Congressmen "don't have to pass some stupid certification class." The statement was written in crayon.
In China, the Chinese government closed 17 Wal-Mart stores for mislabeling pork as organic. Said one regulator "yeah, what kind of country would let a store get away with selling substandard products like that?"
In other business news, Netflix flip-flopped yesterday, announcing that it would not spin off its DVD rental site as a separate company called Qwikster. However, since they already bought the domain name, the company will use the website to sell "male enhancement pills."
A recent study shows that altruism in the workplace is seen as weakness while aggression and selfishness show strength, according to the National Institute of the Assholes at your Office.
Gonorrhea is becoming resistant to current treatments and may soon be incurable. Look for that bit of information in the next fundraising letter sent out by the Clinton Global Initiative.
Hank Williams Jr. wrote a song about Fox and Friends and ESPN and no one cares.
In middle schools, locker decorations such as magnetic wallpaper, shag rugs and chandeliers are now popular with students who have never heard of drugs.
Remember Libya? Well, Libyan forces are advancing through Gadhafi's hometown, taking several prominent landmarks in an attempt to earn the coup d'état badge on FourSquare.
And finally, China just marked the 100th anniversary of the People's Revolution, which ended thousands of years of brutal repression from dynastic emperors and replaced it with a century of brutal repression from the Communist party. But at least they've got Wal-Mart under control.
That's all for now, kiddos. Hope you enjoyed the extra long I-was-home-from-work-sized post today. Should I have saved some for tomorrow? Maybe, but that's not how I roll. Come back tomorrow to see more examples of my rolling. Till then, have a great day!
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