Firefighters in London report a surge of handcuff-related injuries from people inspired to reenact scenes from Fifty Shades of Grey. Who would have guessed people who loved that book would be too dumb to work a pair of handcuffs?
Scientists found that a diabetes pill has an anti-aging effect in lab mice. "Great news!" said the diabetic lab mice. "We were hoping to drag out this existence as long as possible!"
A man arrested by the DEA and left abandoned in a windowless cell for four days was just awarded a $4.1 million settlement, and a co-creator credit for the reality series based on his experiences. The show is called Drink Your Own Urine.
Dock workers in Los Angeles found a cat stowed away in a freighter that arrived from the Philippines. So now cats are sneaking into the country to take all our pooping-in-boxes-and-sleeping-all-day jobs.
New York City's large soda ban was just ruled unconstitutional, under the "Full Faith and Fatass" clause.
Anthony Weiner released a video yesterday saying that he won't quit. He won't quit the race mayoral race, and he won't quit describing his dick to strange women on the Internet.
Time Warner Cable has decided not to pull CBS from its cable service, despite ongoing contract renegotiations. So don't worry, you'll still be greeted by the latest episode of NCIS when you visit your grandparents.
And finally, mass killing suspect and militant racist Anders Breivik just applied to attend university. He's going to be so pissed off when he learns about affirmative action.
That's it!
Showing posts with label mice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mice. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 11, 2011
Welcome back to the 21st Century! Did you all have fun with your hilarious history trip yesterday? I sure hope so! Since I can write those things in advance, it means I can take a night off, so you'll be visiting another hilarious year next week, too. Twenty-three-skidoo! Okay, here's some "current" jokes for you.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's oldest daughter (that we know of) said in an interview this week that she is "way closer" to Maria. I'm sure Arnold was bummed out, until he realized that he can just have another daughter. In fact, he probably already has.
On Tuesday, an ebook about Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was released, unlike Assange who is in jail! Wait, what? He got out. You'd think someone would have mentioned it. Oh, and blah blah blah hackers brought down Amazon.com... with book orders!
As part of an effort to stop prisoners from issuing online threats while in prison, Facebook is now deleting prisoner profiles. But they can keep their Myspace page.
Bad news from science. It seems that a strain of European mice has developed a resistance to most poisons. The so-called super mice are vulnerable to only two things: mouse Kryptonite, and shoes.
In The Day The Music Died news, Wal-Mart is closing its MP3 store. This is terrible news for all the old guys who worked as greeters for the web store. Maybe Napster will hire them. Because it's old, too.
The hacker group "Anonymous" issued a threat to Facebook, saying they'll bring the site down on November 5th, or as I call it "the day I'll have to actually do my job."
You guys remember China? Chinese artist, dissident and critic Ai Weiwei, recently released from Chinese prison for being ornery, has resumed his vocal criticism of the Chinese government, because he apparently left his lucky toothbrush back in the prison.
And lastly, LeAnn Rimes had her wedding vows turned into a temporary tattoo last week. It's a fitting tribute to the institution of marriage, and how temporary it becomes once LeAnn Rimes gets involved.
That's it! Love it or leave it, people. Feel free to nominate your favorite year for the next Way Back Wednesday. Spencer is in tomorrow, and I'll be back Monday. So rejoice!
And have a great day!
Arnold Schwarzenegger's oldest daughter (that we know of) said in an interview this week that she is "way closer" to Maria. I'm sure Arnold was bummed out, until he realized that he can just have another daughter. In fact, he probably already has.
On Tuesday, an ebook about Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was released, unlike Assange who is in jail! Wait, what? He got out. You'd think someone would have mentioned it. Oh, and blah blah blah hackers brought down Amazon.com... with book orders!
As part of an effort to stop prisoners from issuing online threats while in prison, Facebook is now deleting prisoner profiles. But they can keep their Myspace page.
Bad news from science. It seems that a strain of European mice has developed a resistance to most poisons. The so-called super mice are vulnerable to only two things: mouse Kryptonite, and shoes.
In The Day The Music Died news, Wal-Mart is closing its MP3 store. This is terrible news for all the old guys who worked as greeters for the web store. Maybe Napster will hire them. Because it's old, too.
The hacker group "Anonymous" issued a threat to Facebook, saying they'll bring the site down on November 5th, or as I call it "the day I'll have to actually do my job."
You guys remember China? Chinese artist, dissident and critic Ai Weiwei, recently released from Chinese prison for being ornery, has resumed his vocal criticism of the Chinese government, because he apparently left his lucky toothbrush back in the prison.
And lastly, LeAnn Rimes had her wedding vows turned into a temporary tattoo last week. It's a fitting tribute to the institution of marriage, and how temporary it becomes once LeAnn Rimes gets involved.
That's it! Love it or leave it, people. Feel free to nominate your favorite year for the next Way Back Wednesday. Spencer is in tomorrow, and I'll be back Monday. So rejoice!
And have a great day!
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