In Texas yesterday a 14-year-old kid was arrested for bringing a science project to school. Before you jump to any conclusions and start praising our nation's nerd-shaming capabilities, you should know that the school cops thought the project was a bomb, possibly because the kid's name is Ahmed Mohamed. Sure, this sounds bad, and it makes our country look bad, but at least they didn't shoot the kid. Silver lining, America.
In other Texas news, a north Texas Whataburger employee was fired after refusing to serve burgers to two officers. What's really sad about this story is that the employee was actually trying to protect the officers. Well, trying to protect their colons, anyway.
Speaking of total colons, Tom Brady just announced his support for Donald Trump in the presidential elections. We get it, Tom: you're a villain now. There hasn't been a face/heel turn so blatant since the great wrestler King Karl reinvented himself as Heinrich the Orphan-Kicker.
Oh, also: Tom Brady likes Donald Trump something something something because he's full of hot air or whatever.
In the run-up to the GOP debate last night, President Obama said there was nothing patriotic about "talking down America" to score points with voters. He got pretty intense about it, but you should hear how angry he gets when people starting talkin' smack about Kenya.
In other international news, Hungary started using tear gas and water cannons to fight back expats trying to get through a razor-wire fence and minefields in order to seek asylum in Serbia. Pretty sure that if the razor-wire, landmines, and Serbia don't deter you, a little water and tear gas won't make much difference.
In news of how American intervention in the middle east is always a good thing: a top US commander just confirmed that only four or five of the Pentagon-trained fighters are in Syria right now. That's not even enough fighters for an Expendables sequel. Although in this case, it's clear that they are far more expendable to the US than anyone in those films.
Researchers from Dartmouth uncovered evidence that rising temperatures in the arctic are disproportionately benefiting mosquitoes, which leads to the inevitable conclusion that the GOP is in the pocket of the big mosquito lobby. Bunch of bloodsuckers.
And finally, the Olive Garden is back in the news with their Pasta Pass, a $100 card that allows guests to eat as much pasta as they can for seven weeks. An employee at a north Texas location was just fired for refusing to sell passes to two cops.
Also, the Pasta Pass comes with complimentary Rohypnol, so you can dose yourself at the start of the meal and blackout all the shameful things you are about to do.
That's it! Now go forth and do shameful things.
Showing posts with label Tom Brady. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tom Brady. Show all posts
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - February 6, 2012
Did anyone else lose big last night? I promise, this is the last year I bet on the Puppy Bowl. Let's see what else is happening.
At the Super Bowl last night, Tom Brady single-handedly defeated the New England Patriots. At least I think that's what happened.
During the half time show, singer M.I.A. got in some hot water for "flipping the bird" to the camera. But what really caused her trouble: on her fingernail, someone painted a picture of Janet Jackson's boob.
Philadelphia is celebrating the 200th birthday of author Charles Dickens, which may explain the city's new tourism slogan: "What happens in Philadelphia, stays in Philadelphia. Because it's so boring, no one wants to hear about it."
In the UK, doctors are warning of health risks for those who have "a little too much drink," including increased incidents of diabetes, heart disease, and having sex with ugly people.
NBC's hit program, The Voice, debuted last night, along with a new drinking game for the show. Pretty sure Paula Abdul was playing a similar game on X-Factor.
A group of mushroom pickers in Oregon were located this weekend after being lost for six days. Apparently they got distracted by a really shiny leaf.
Facebook is under fire for banning pictures of women breastfeeding from their site. And if you ask me, Facebook is really being a tit about this.
And finally, in an unrelated story, the Susan G. Komen foundation reversed its position to withhold funding to Planned Parenthood. Many observers were surprised by the flip-flopping on the issue, and the foundation itself was left without strong support. They got squeezed.
Boobies.
Okay, that's it. What a great way to celebrate our 300th post. That's it! See you tomorrow!
At the Super Bowl last night, Tom Brady single-handedly defeated the New England Patriots. At least I think that's what happened.
During the half time show, singer M.I.A. got in some hot water for "flipping the bird" to the camera. But what really caused her trouble: on her fingernail, someone painted a picture of Janet Jackson's boob.
Philadelphia is celebrating the 200th birthday of author Charles Dickens, which may explain the city's new tourism slogan: "What happens in Philadelphia, stays in Philadelphia. Because it's so boring, no one wants to hear about it."
In the UK, doctors are warning of health risks for those who have "a little too much drink," including increased incidents of diabetes, heart disease, and having sex with ugly people.
NBC's hit program, The Voice, debuted last night, along with a new drinking game for the show. Pretty sure Paula Abdul was playing a similar game on X-Factor.
A group of mushroom pickers in Oregon were located this weekend after being lost for six days. Apparently they got distracted by a really shiny leaf.
Facebook is under fire for banning pictures of women breastfeeding from their site. And if you ask me, Facebook is really being a tit about this.
And finally, in an unrelated story, the Susan G. Komen foundation reversed its position to withhold funding to Planned Parenthood. Many observers were surprised by the flip-flopping on the issue, and the foundation itself was left without strong support. They got squeezed.
Boobies.
Okay, that's it. What a great way to celebrate our 300th post. That's it! See you tomorrow!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 10, 2011
So, who likes jokes? Well, we've got some!
A lawsuit was filed in Dallas this week by football fans at the Super Bowl who were denied their seats despite having valid tickets. Tom Brady filed a similar suit after he was not allowed to play in the game, despite the fact that he was clearly Tom Brady.
Scientists hinted that in the future, robots may get their own version of the Internet to help them learn about the world. Obviously, this is just an excuse for ROBOT PORN!
Hundreds of thousands of protesters packed Cairo's Tahrir Square in record numbers, although in all honesty, many of them were just waiting to see a screening of Justin Bieber's new movie.
It Italy, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is under investigation for possible sex crimes, which he called "disgusting." That condemnation might have more moral authority, though, if it weren't in the fifth paragraph of a letter to Penthouse Forum.
Back in America, Jennifer Lawrence, the oscar-nominated actress from "Winter's Bone," acknowledged her redneck past in an interview this week, where she jokingly talked about being attracted to her brother. Hey, it worked for Angelina Jolie.
Lastly, New York City is considering using its raw sewage as a source of energy. Mayor Bloomberg said, "it's simple logic. You've gotta play to your strengths. And this city is 'strong' with untreated poop." The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles may be forced to relocate to Jersey City.
That's it for me.
Come back tomorrow for Fridays with Spencer and check us out on Sunday for Earnest's Weekend Monologue. And if you liked what you read, pass it along! Thanks!
A lawsuit was filed in Dallas this week by football fans at the Super Bowl who were denied their seats despite having valid tickets. Tom Brady filed a similar suit after he was not allowed to play in the game, despite the fact that he was clearly Tom Brady.
Scientists hinted that in the future, robots may get their own version of the Internet to help them learn about the world. Obviously, this is just an excuse for ROBOT PORN!
Hundreds of thousands of protesters packed Cairo's Tahrir Square in record numbers, although in all honesty, many of them were just waiting to see a screening of Justin Bieber's new movie.
Still with Egypt, Vice President Suleiman called the widespread demands for President Mubarak's resignation "disrespectful," saying "it's one thing to ask for an end to 30 years of horrible repression, deprivation and intimidation from your government, but it's no excuse for hurting a man's feelings. He may be a strongman, but he's also a sensitiveman!"
Also in Egyptian news, the newly appointed Minister of Antiquities announced that the country's ancient artifacts were safe, despite reports of looting. He said the treasures were safe in part because of upgrades in security but mainly because of THE MUMMY'S CURSE!
Back in America, Jennifer Lawrence, the oscar-nominated actress from "Winter's Bone," acknowledged her redneck past in an interview this week, where she jokingly talked about being attracted to her brother. Hey, it worked for Angelina Jolie.
Lastly, New York City is considering using its raw sewage as a source of energy. Mayor Bloomberg said, "it's simple logic. You've gotta play to your strengths. And this city is 'strong' with untreated poop." The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles may be forced to relocate to Jersey City.
That's it for me.
Come back tomorrow for Fridays with Spencer and check us out on Sunday for Earnest's Weekend Monologue. And if you liked what you read, pass it along! Thanks!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 8, 2011
NewsCorp announced this week that they are ready to be rid of MySpace, which puts them almost four years behind the rest of America. The announcement is terrible news for fans of Dane Cook and great news for people who hate java.
A fire tore through several warehouses in Rio's carnivale district. Fire marshals investigating the blaze blamed it on the bossa nova. They're not very good at their job.
In Asia, Thai and Cambodian forces have been fighting over an ancient temple while also enjoying some of the most amazing irony in modern history. Kudos, you magnificent, myopic bastards.
In Green Bay, Wisconsin, football fans took to the streets in celebration over the Packers' Super Bowl win. In response, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak refused to step down. Elsewhere, Tom Brady polished his MVP trophy in silence.
In the American south, many conservative Democrats are switching their party affiliation to the Republican party, citing their love for small government and how tired they are of pretending not to be racist.
Japanese sports authorities have called off an upcoming sumo tournament amid a match-fixing scandal. A source close to the story said "these sumo have no honor; they've taken a beautiful sport based around morbidly obese men in diapers slamming their bellies together and made it into something dirty."
Former President George W. Bush canceled a visit to Geneva, supposedly due to the possibility that Swiss authorities would arrest him for crimes against humanity. Usually it just takes a hurricane to keep him out of a city.
Lastly, a company in California recalled over 3,000 lbs of ground beef contaminated with E. coli bacteria. The company told consumers to be wary of any beef that tastes "shitty."
That's it for now. Thanks for reading, hope you tell your friends!
A fire tore through several warehouses in Rio's carnivale district. Fire marshals investigating the blaze blamed it on the bossa nova. They're not very good at their job.
In Asia, Thai and Cambodian forces have been fighting over an ancient temple while also enjoying some of the most amazing irony in modern history. Kudos, you magnificent, myopic bastards.
In Green Bay, Wisconsin, football fans took to the streets in celebration over the Packers' Super Bowl win. In response, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak refused to step down. Elsewhere, Tom Brady polished his MVP trophy in silence.
In the American south, many conservative Democrats are switching their party affiliation to the Republican party, citing their love for small government and how tired they are of pretending not to be racist.
Japanese sports authorities have called off an upcoming sumo tournament amid a match-fixing scandal. A source close to the story said "these sumo have no honor; they've taken a beautiful sport based around morbidly obese men in diapers slamming their bellies together and made it into something dirty."
Former President George W. Bush canceled a visit to Geneva, supposedly due to the possibility that Swiss authorities would arrest him for crimes against humanity. Usually it just takes a hurricane to keep him out of a city.
Lastly, a company in California recalled over 3,000 lbs of ground beef contaminated with E. coli bacteria. The company told consumers to be wary of any beef that tastes "shitty."
That's it for now. Thanks for reading, hope you tell your friends!
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