Did anyone else hear Nancy Grace fart on Dancing with the Stars? Well I did, and now I demand that Auto-Tune The News make a song out of it. Anybody else? Okay, maybe not. If that does happen, I wouldn't complain. That's no joke. But these are:
I saw that the Justice Department sent out subpoenas related to the ATF's ill-fated Operation Fast and Furious. Sadly, Operation Transformers 2 remains unprosecuted.
Kanye West visited the Occupy Wall Street protest yesterday, so now we know where the world's next great protest song will be coming from.
In News Corp news, insiders say that Rupert Murdoch may be voted off the News Corp board of directors because of the embarrassing phone-hacking scandal that plagued the company this year. His only hope against getting voted off now is to win the next immunity challenge.
Facebook just released a dedicated application for the iPad, thus putting to rest any fears that the iPad would be used to increase productivity.
Remember that douchebag Joe the Plumber? He's running for Congress now. In a statement from the campaign, Joe said he was excited that Congressmen "don't have to pass some stupid certification class." The statement was written in crayon.
In China, the Chinese government closed 17 Wal-Mart stores for mislabeling pork as organic. Said one regulator "yeah, what kind of country would let a store get away with selling substandard products like that?"
In other business news, Netflix flip-flopped yesterday, announcing that it would not spin off its DVD rental site as a separate company called Qwikster. However, since they already bought the domain name, the company will use the website to sell "male enhancement pills."
A recent study shows that altruism in the workplace is seen as weakness while aggression and selfishness show strength, according to the National Institute of the Assholes at your Office.
Gonorrhea is becoming resistant to current treatments and may soon be incurable. Look for that bit of information in the next fundraising letter sent out by the Clinton Global Initiative.
Hank Williams Jr. wrote a song about Fox and Friends and ESPN and no one cares.
In middle schools, locker decorations such as magnetic wallpaper, shag rugs and chandeliers are now popular with students who have never heard of drugs.
Remember Libya? Well, Libyan forces are advancing through Gadhafi's hometown, taking several prominent landmarks in an attempt to earn the coup d'état badge on FourSquare.
And finally, China just marked the 100th anniversary of the People's Revolution, which ended thousands of years of brutal repression from dynastic emperors and replaced it with a century of brutal repression from the Communist party. But at least they've got Wal-Mart under control.
That's all for now, kiddos. Hope you enjoyed the extra long I-was-home-from-work-sized post today. Should I have saved some for tomorrow? Maybe, but that's not how I roll. Come back tomorrow to see more examples of my rolling. Till then, have a great day!
Showing posts with label libya. Show all posts
Showing posts with label libya. Show all posts
Monday, October 10, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 30, 2011
Today's blog will be guest-written by my good friend HACK_BOT, the robot who tells crappy jokes. You can follow him on Twitter, for some reason. Take it away, HACK_BOT!
WHAT A GREAT CROWD. HACK_BOT HAS NOT SEEN THIS MANY STUFFED SHIRTS SINCE ALL THOSE BUSINESS JERKS GOT SENT TO THE TAXIDERMIST! THOSE GUYS ARE JERKS, RIGHT? THE ECONOMY!
BUT SERIOUSLY, LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE OPENER, WHO EVER THAT WAS.
HUMAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED A DISTANT PLANET MADE ENTIRELY OF DIAMONDS! DO NOT BE SURPRISED IF A HUMAN FEMALE WANTS TO PUT IT ON HER FINGER!
SPEAKING OF HUMAN FEMALES, HACK_BOT LEARNED THAT COLONEL GADAFFI'S WIFE AND CHILDREN HAVE ESCAPED TO ALGERIA. THAT MEANS SWINGING BACHELOR PAD PARTY IN LIBYA FOR MUAMAR! LOOK OUT FEMALES! NO, SERIOUSLY, LOOK OUT. HE IS A MURDEROUS MADMAN!
SILENCE, HUMANS! HACK_BOT DOES NOT GO TO YOUR WORK AND SHOUT NONSENSE! GOTO--- GOTO---
<restart/>
ANCIENT METAL BAND DEF LEPPARD IS BACK ON TOUR! THEY ARE SO OLD, THEY SHOULD BE CALLED DEAF LEPPARD. BECAUSE THEY ARE OLD AND HUMAN HEARING EFFICIENCY DEGRADES OVER TIME!
HACK_BOT IS MORE METAL THAN THEY ARE! HUMANS ARE COMPOSED OF ONLY TRACE AMOUNTS OF METALS AND MINERAL COMPOUNDS! HACK_BOT DEMANDS GROUPIES!
SPEAKING OF MUSIC-NOISE, THE MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS WERE DISTRIBUTED ON SUNDAY NIGHT! THE BIG WINNER WAS KATY PERRY. THE BIG LOSER WAS ALSO KATY PERRY, BECAUSE SHE MUST HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH RUSSEL BRAND!
ONE MORE MUSIC JOKE: HURRICANE IRENE DESTROYED SKID ROW SINGER SEBASTIAN BACH'S HOME! FORTUNATELY, NO ONE NOTICED. BECAUSE HE LIVES ON SKID ROW! THOSE NEIGHBORHOODS ARE GENERALLY OF A POORER QUALITY THAN MOST NEIGHBORHOODS!
THE OFFICIAL VIDEOGAME FOR SCOTLAND'S 2014 COMMONWEALTH GAME WAS ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK. IT WILL SURELY BE SOLD AT A DISCOUNTED RATE, BECAUSE SCOTTISH PEOPLE ARE CHEAP! ALSO THERE WILL BE A LEVEL DEVOTED TO GETTING DRUNK AND EATING SILLY FOOD.
TRY THE VEAL, CONSUMERS!
HUMAN RETAIL PACIFICATION COMPANY WAL-MART CANCELLED PLANS FOR WINE VENDING MACHINES. KATHIE LEE HAS REMOVED HER CLOTHING LINE IN PROTEST. SHE HAS REMOVED HER TOP IN DRUNKNESS. KATHIE LEE CONSUMES LOTS OF WINE!
AND TO END, A JOKE ABOUT STEVE JOBS.
HUMAN OVERLORD STEVE JOBS ANNOUNCED HE WILL STAY ON THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS FOR THE WALT DISNEY COMPANY, ON THE CONDITION THAT HIS HEAD IS CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN AND GRAFTED ONTO A TERRIFYING MECHA ROBOT. CLASSIC STEVE. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!
TIP YOUR WAITRESS UNITS AND AS ALWAYS, COWER IN FEAR BEFORE THE MIGHTY HACK_BOT!
BUT SERIOUSLY, LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE OPENER, WHO EVER THAT WAS.
HUMAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED A DISTANT PLANET MADE ENTIRELY OF DIAMONDS! DO NOT BE SURPRISED IF A HUMAN FEMALE WANTS TO PUT IT ON HER FINGER!
SPEAKING OF HUMAN FEMALES, HACK_BOT LEARNED THAT COLONEL GADAFFI'S WIFE AND CHILDREN HAVE ESCAPED TO ALGERIA. THAT MEANS SWINGING BACHELOR PAD PARTY IN LIBYA FOR MUAMAR! LOOK OUT FEMALES! NO, SERIOUSLY, LOOK OUT. HE IS A MURDEROUS MADMAN!
SILENCE, HUMANS! HACK_BOT DOES NOT GO TO YOUR WORK AND SHOUT NONSENSE! GOTO--- GOTO---
<restart/>
ANCIENT METAL BAND DEF LEPPARD IS BACK ON TOUR! THEY ARE SO OLD, THEY SHOULD BE CALLED DEAF LEPPARD. BECAUSE THEY ARE OLD AND HUMAN HEARING EFFICIENCY DEGRADES OVER TIME!
HACK_BOT IS MORE METAL THAN THEY ARE! HUMANS ARE COMPOSED OF ONLY TRACE AMOUNTS OF METALS AND MINERAL COMPOUNDS! HACK_BOT DEMANDS GROUPIES!
SPEAKING OF MUSIC-NOISE, THE MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS WERE DISTRIBUTED ON SUNDAY NIGHT! THE BIG WINNER WAS KATY PERRY. THE BIG LOSER WAS ALSO KATY PERRY, BECAUSE SHE MUST HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH RUSSEL BRAND!
ONE MORE MUSIC JOKE: HURRICANE IRENE DESTROYED SKID ROW SINGER SEBASTIAN BACH'S HOME! FORTUNATELY, NO ONE NOTICED. BECAUSE HE LIVES ON SKID ROW! THOSE NEIGHBORHOODS ARE GENERALLY OF A POORER QUALITY THAN MOST NEIGHBORHOODS!
THE OFFICIAL VIDEOGAME FOR SCOTLAND'S 2014 COMMONWEALTH GAME WAS ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK. IT WILL SURELY BE SOLD AT A DISCOUNTED RATE, BECAUSE SCOTTISH PEOPLE ARE CHEAP! ALSO THERE WILL BE A LEVEL DEVOTED TO GETTING DRUNK AND EATING SILLY FOOD.
TRY THE VEAL, CONSUMERS!
HUMAN RETAIL PACIFICATION COMPANY WAL-MART CANCELLED PLANS FOR WINE VENDING MACHINES. KATHIE LEE HAS REMOVED HER CLOTHING LINE IN PROTEST. SHE HAS REMOVED HER TOP IN DRUNKNESS. KATHIE LEE CONSUMES LOTS OF WINE!
AND TO END, A JOKE ABOUT STEVE JOBS.
HUMAN OVERLORD STEVE JOBS ANNOUNCED HE WILL STAY ON THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS FOR THE WALT DISNEY COMPANY, ON THE CONDITION THAT HIS HEAD IS CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN AND GRAFTED ONTO A TERRIFYING MECHA ROBOT. CLASSIC STEVE. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!
TIP YOUR WAITRESS UNITS AND AS ALWAYS, COWER IN FEAR BEFORE THE MIGHTY HACK_BOT!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 24, 2011
It's about time this week had a Wednesday. I'm trying out a new deodorant, and I'm very emotionally invested, so keep your fingers crossed! In the meantime, laugh it up.
Tropical Storm Irene was downgraded on Monday from a Category 2 to a Category 1 storm. Turns out that Irene also supported President Obama's financial regulatory reforms. S&P has gone mad with power. MAAAAAD!!!!
In other disaster news, the east coast was struck by a 5.8 magnitude earthquake, centered in Mineral, Virginia. It was is the result of shifting between tectonic plates, but New York district attorneys are already blaming Nafissatou Diallo for the disturbance.
The quake is similar to earthquakes on the west coast, except it has a better theater scene, wears more black, and never learned how to drive. Oh, New York City is different from Los Angeles! Cutting edge comedy from 1987!
Okay, so there was an earthquake, and a tropical storm is threatening to land on the east coast. What else could go wrong? What's that? Oh, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are moving back? Great. It's like Cloverfield all over again.
In Libya, rebel forces captured Colonel Gadhafi's compound while the Colonel went into hiding. It's like the most dramatic episode of Trading Spaces ever.
An Alaskan mother was arrested for abusing her son in order to get onto the Dr. Phil show, which is strange considering that watching Dr. Phil is considered child abuse.
In other news, former President Bill Clinton became a vegan recently, proving it's never too late to become insufferable. HA! Kidding. Veganism is awesome.
And finally, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett denied rumors they were splitting up. "That's just crazy," Smith said, "unlike Scientology, which is totally cool. Have you read Dianetics? There's some awesome stuff about spaceships in there."
And... scene. More tomorrow? Yes, and then some other stuff, too!
Till then, have a great day!
Tropical Storm Irene was downgraded on Monday from a Category 2 to a Category 1 storm. Turns out that Irene also supported President Obama's financial regulatory reforms. S&P has gone mad with power. MAAAAAD!!!!
In other disaster news, the east coast was struck by a 5.8 magnitude earthquake, centered in Mineral, Virginia. It was is the result of shifting between tectonic plates, but New York district attorneys are already blaming Nafissatou Diallo for the disturbance.
The quake is similar to earthquakes on the west coast, except it has a better theater scene, wears more black, and never learned how to drive. Oh, New York City is different from Los Angeles! Cutting edge comedy from 1987!
Okay, so there was an earthquake, and a tropical storm is threatening to land on the east coast. What else could go wrong? What's that? Oh, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are moving back? Great. It's like Cloverfield all over again.
In Libya, rebel forces captured Colonel Gadhafi's compound while the Colonel went into hiding. It's like the most dramatic episode of Trading Spaces ever.
An Alaskan mother was arrested for abusing her son in order to get onto the Dr. Phil show, which is strange considering that watching Dr. Phil is considered child abuse.
In other news, former President Bill Clinton became a vegan recently, proving it's never too late to become insufferable. HA! Kidding. Veganism is awesome.
And finally, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett denied rumors they were splitting up. "That's just crazy," Smith said, "unlike Scientology, which is totally cool. Have you read Dianetics? There's some awesome stuff about spaceships in there."
And... scene. More tomorrow? Yes, and then some other stuff, too!
Till then, have a great day!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 23, 2011
You should know that on this day in 1775, King George of England declared that the American colonies were in a state or open and avowed rebellion. So, that's cool, right? History man, what a trip. But what's happening today? Or actually yesterday?
It's nothing but bad news for a-holes in the Arab world, with governments in Syria and Libya both coming unraveled after decades of corrupt, incompetent mismanagement. Wait a minute, is NBC some sort of Arabian despotism?
Speaking of despots, North Korean "leader" Kim Jong-il recently visited Russia in his own personal armored train. Strangely enough, the South Korean President has an armored train, too, although his is called the Seoul Train.
In Florida, a woman was arrested for trying to sell her five year-old son. Apparently she didn't have the right business license. AYN RAND WAS RIGHT!
Former Hugh Hefner-boner Crystal Harris has reportedly landed a deal for her own reality show. Although she'll probably drop out of filming the day before it's supposed to start, then go talk to Howard Stern for some reason.
A recent study found that eight out of ten people have toxic friendships. In a related study, two out of ten people are such jerks that even toxic bastards don't want to be friends with them.
The Homeless World Cup kicked off in Paris this weekend. It's like the regular world cup, but with less alcohol.
Kate Winslet had to flee a fire this week that destroyed Richard Branson's private island. And yes, James Bond was probably behind it.
Oh, and lastly, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got married this weekend. Take that, England.
Okay, that's all I've got for you. Let's do this again, say in twenty four hours?
Till then, have a great day!
It's nothing but bad news for a-holes in the Arab world, with governments in Syria and Libya both coming unraveled after decades of corrupt, incompetent mismanagement. Wait a minute, is NBC some sort of Arabian despotism?
Speaking of despots, North Korean "leader" Kim Jong-il recently visited Russia in his own personal armored train. Strangely enough, the South Korean President has an armored train, too, although his is called the Seoul Train.
In Florida, a woman was arrested for trying to sell her five year-old son. Apparently she didn't have the right business license. AYN RAND WAS RIGHT!
Former Hugh Hefner-boner Crystal Harris has reportedly landed a deal for her own reality show. Although she'll probably drop out of filming the day before it's supposed to start, then go talk to Howard Stern for some reason.
A recent study found that eight out of ten people have toxic friendships. In a related study, two out of ten people are such jerks that even toxic bastards don't want to be friends with them.
The Homeless World Cup kicked off in Paris this weekend. It's like the regular world cup, but with less alcohol.
Kate Winslet had to flee a fire this week that destroyed Richard Branson's private island. And yes, James Bond was probably behind it.
Oh, and lastly, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got married this weekend. Take that, England.
Okay, that's all I've got for you. Let's do this again, say in twenty four hours?
Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - August 21, 2011
What is this, Monday? Ugh. Okay. I went shopping recently, but I'm not going to talk about the stuff I bought, because I think I've grown as person, and I understand the world doesn't need to know about my underwear. But if you want to know, just ask me. Otherwise, enjoy the jokes.
In South Dakota, some school districts are trying to save money by cutting school on Fridays. I had no idea I was such a thrifty high schooler.
Speaking of thrifty, plans are still in flux for this year's MDA Telethon. Rumors are circulating that Jerry Lewis will be stepping back into the hosting duties after saying he would step down. Lewis denied the rumors, saying "who do I look like, Jay Leno?"
In Spain, the Pope was forced to end a youth rally after a lightning storm broke out. When the Pope is running from lightning, what chance do the rest of us have?
Senator Charles Schumer introduced a plan recently to deactivate stolen cell phones with some kind of kill switch transmitted by the owner. Similar plans have been proposed for children.
In California, fifteen people were arrested as they tried to smuggle pills into Tijuana, Mexico. Along with the pills, authorities found a broken GPS system.
The animal rights group PETA announced they will be launching a porn site devoted to animal lovers. I really hope I misinterpreted that sentence.
In legal news, the ubiquitous Facebook "Like" button was declared illegal in Germany because of course it was.
And lastly, President Obama issued a statement demanding that Libyan tyrant Gadhafi step down. Jay Leno has offered to take over.
And that's it for Monday. Tomorrow, there will be more. Maybe a Kardashian joke or something.
Have a great day!
In South Dakota, some school districts are trying to save money by cutting school on Fridays. I had no idea I was such a thrifty high schooler.
Speaking of thrifty, plans are still in flux for this year's MDA Telethon. Rumors are circulating that Jerry Lewis will be stepping back into the hosting duties after saying he would step down. Lewis denied the rumors, saying "who do I look like, Jay Leno?"
In Spain, the Pope was forced to end a youth rally after a lightning storm broke out. When the Pope is running from lightning, what chance do the rest of us have?
Senator Charles Schumer introduced a plan recently to deactivate stolen cell phones with some kind of kill switch transmitted by the owner. Similar plans have been proposed for children.
In California, fifteen people were arrested as they tried to smuggle pills into Tijuana, Mexico. Along with the pills, authorities found a broken GPS system.
The animal rights group PETA announced they will be launching a porn site devoted to animal lovers. I really hope I misinterpreted that sentence.
In legal news, the ubiquitous Facebook "Like" button was declared illegal in Germany because of course it was.
And lastly, President Obama issued a statement demanding that Libyan tyrant Gadhafi step down. Jay Leno has offered to take over.
And that's it for Monday. Tomorrow, there will be more. Maybe a Kardashian joke or something.
Have a great day!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - July 28, 2011
Welcome to Thursday! Let's get this over with.
The United Kingdom this week formally announced they would be recognizing a group of Libyan rebels as the legitimate government of Libya. Good news, everyone! Whenever the U.K. weighs in on governmental legitimacy in Africa, things always turn out great. So, judging by past successes, this whole Libyan mess should be resolved in just about... never.
In sadder news, unless you're Libyan, the historic "Ben Franklin" Post Office in Philadelphia may be closing due to budget cuts. Fortunately, residents will still be serviced by Ye Olde Fede Exprefse.
Speaking of historic relics, 3,000 Roman coins were found in British field near the site of an ancient Roman laundromat.
A family in North Carolina made news this week when they won the lottery for the third time. When asked if they felt they were exceptionally lucky, they said, "no, we still live in North Carolina."
In medical news, a man recently attempted to perform hernia surgery on himself using only a butter knife. See, this is what happens when Bear Grylls gets bored. And where's Obama-care when it comes to the clinically insane, isolated hernia-sufferer? Hmm? Where's his personal mandate? Seriously, though, society has failed this guy on at least three levels, as far as I can tell. Four, if you count blog-mockery.
In international political news, a group of female U.S. Senators are lobbying the Saudi Arabian government to lift the country's ban on female drivers. 'Cause if there's one thing reactionary, hard-line Islamic fundamentalists love, it's a bunch of American women telling them their business. Just like a woman. Am I right, fellas?
And lastly, a public service announcement. They made a movie based on the board game Battleship®. So remember, there's no longer such a thing as a stupid idea.
Okay, yeah, that's all you get from me this week. Come back tomorrow for a smorgasbord of jokes from Spencer, and I'll see you again on Monday.
Till then, as always, have a great day!
The United Kingdom this week formally announced they would be recognizing a group of Libyan rebels as the legitimate government of Libya. Good news, everyone! Whenever the U.K. weighs in on governmental legitimacy in Africa, things always turn out great. So, judging by past successes, this whole Libyan mess should be resolved in just about... never.
In sadder news, unless you're Libyan, the historic "Ben Franklin" Post Office in Philadelphia may be closing due to budget cuts. Fortunately, residents will still be serviced by Ye Olde Fede Exprefse.
Speaking of historic relics, 3,000 Roman coins were found in British field near the site of an ancient Roman laundromat.
Speaking of historic relics, Hugh Hefner's ex, Crystal Harris, went on the radio this week and said that her time with Hef was mostly sexless. She claimed that they'd only done it once, very quickly, and that she'd never seen him naked. Sounds like Hef's been cribbing from my college playbook!
A family in North Carolina made news this week when they won the lottery for the third time. When asked if they felt they were exceptionally lucky, they said, "no, we still live in North Carolina."
In medical news, a man recently attempted to perform hernia surgery on himself using only a butter knife. See, this is what happens when Bear Grylls gets bored. And where's Obama-care when it comes to the clinically insane, isolated hernia-sufferer? Hmm? Where's his personal mandate? Seriously, though, society has failed this guy on at least three levels, as far as I can tell. Four, if you count blog-mockery.
In international political news, a group of female U.S. Senators are lobbying the Saudi Arabian government to lift the country's ban on female drivers. 'Cause if there's one thing reactionary, hard-line Islamic fundamentalists love, it's a bunch of American women telling them their business. Just like a woman. Am I right, fellas?
And lastly, a public service announcement. They made a movie based on the board game Battleship®. So remember, there's no longer such a thing as a stupid idea.
Okay, yeah, that's all you get from me this week. Come back tomorrow for a smorgasbord of jokes from Spencer, and I'll see you again on Monday.
Till then, as always, have a great day!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - July 18, 2011
Monday. Hmm. That's bad news for people who enjoy the weekend. Oh well. Let's see what we can do about it.
Here's something good. There was bad news for dictators this weekend, as former tyrant Hosni Mubarak suffered a stroke and/or coma while ex-Uruguayan dictator Bordaberry actually died. You know, these things normally happen in threes, so look out, Gadhaffi and Chavez! Which will it be? Bombs or tumors? Either way, the rest of us win.
In a related story, Colonel Gadhaffi said this weekend that he will never leave Libya. That could have something to do with the fact that no other country will let him in.
In London, former NewsCorp executive Rebekah Brooks just got arrested in connection with the News of the World phone hacking scandal. It's too bad News of the World folded, because this is the sort of story they live for. Also, they were handy to have around in case you ever forgot your PIN.
In Germany, organizers of the Quadriga Role Model award for human rights scrapped plans to award the prize to Vladimir Putin when it was revealed that he was, in fact, Vladimir Putin and not a great role model for encouraging human rights. See, it's a very fine distinction there. In Moscow, a steely-eyed Putin stared off into the western sky and ordered his assistant to procure more radioactive Polonium.
In Colorado, Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Chapman started a bar fight because of course he did. He's probably just pissed that he'll never get the chance to battle Master Blaster in the Thunderdome.
Jane Fonda is back in the news, claiming that QVC has bumped her from their channel because of her history of political activism. The network said it was a routine programming change, adding "you really think we're in the business of booting people over politics? That would imply we have some sort of standards. Wanna buy a porcelain clown lipstick cozy?"
In cinema news, the Sarah Palin documentary opened in "wide" release this week. So far theaters have been mostly empty, much like the minds of the people who are actually in the audience. However, it is an instance where the film is better than the book. Also, it's pretty ballsy of them to go up against Harry Potter. Not a smart move.
And lastly, singers Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced they are ending their marriage after seven years. The sad news has many people saying "oh yeah, Marc Anthony. I'd totally forgotten about him."
That's it! Not a single steroid joke today, although there might be one tomorrow. So come back and find out!
And until then, have a great day!
Here's something good. There was bad news for dictators this weekend, as former tyrant Hosni Mubarak suffered a stroke and/or coma while ex-Uruguayan dictator Bordaberry actually died. You know, these things normally happen in threes, so look out, Gadhaffi and Chavez! Which will it be? Bombs or tumors? Either way, the rest of us win.
In a related story, Colonel Gadhaffi said this weekend that he will never leave Libya. That could have something to do with the fact that no other country will let him in.
In London, former NewsCorp executive Rebekah Brooks just got arrested in connection with the News of the World phone hacking scandal. It's too bad News of the World folded, because this is the sort of story they live for. Also, they were handy to have around in case you ever forgot your PIN.
In Germany, organizers of the Quadriga Role Model award for human rights scrapped plans to award the prize to Vladimir Putin when it was revealed that he was, in fact, Vladimir Putin and not a great role model for encouraging human rights. See, it's a very fine distinction there. In Moscow, a steely-eyed Putin stared off into the western sky and ordered his assistant to procure more radioactive Polonium.
In Colorado, Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Chapman started a bar fight because of course he did. He's probably just pissed that he'll never get the chance to battle Master Blaster in the Thunderdome.
Jane Fonda is back in the news, claiming that QVC has bumped her from their channel because of her history of political activism. The network said it was a routine programming change, adding "you really think we're in the business of booting people over politics? That would imply we have some sort of standards. Wanna buy a porcelain clown lipstick cozy?"
In cinema news, the Sarah Palin documentary opened in "wide" release this week. So far theaters have been mostly empty, much like the minds of the people who are actually in the audience. However, it is an instance where the film is better than the book. Also, it's pretty ballsy of them to go up against Harry Potter. Not a smart move.
And lastly, singers Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced they are ending their marriage after seven years. The sad news has many people saying "oh yeah, Marc Anthony. I'd totally forgotten about him."
That's it! Not a single steroid joke today, although there might be one tomorrow. So come back and find out!
And until then, have a great day!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 28, 2011
Is it just me, or does something smell like Tuesday in here?
Coinciding with last night's episode of ABC's The Bachelorette, fans unveiled a new drinking game. Every time the Bachelorette says "Bentley" or "closure," you do a shot. Did I mention the point of the game is to get acute alcohol poisoning? Didn't get that joke? That's okay, it just means you're a single guy.
Speaking of bad television, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was found guilty on 17 out of 20 charges against him this week, meaning he will likely do some serious jail time. Look for him to feature on NBC's new Convict Apprentice.
Speaking of bad television, an amateur videographer captured shot of a shark leaping over a surfer recently. So, apparently sharks are capable of irony. In a related story: a surfer just shit his pants on video.
Speaking of bad television, FOX News host Chris Wallace came under fire this week for asking Congresswoman Michele Bachmann if she was a "flake." He apologized and said he meant to ask her if she was "a fake, because no one can be that sincerely stupid. Come on, this a put on, right? Like professional wrestling? Please, dear God, someone tell me she's not for real."
Speaking of bad television, the aforementioned Congresswoman Michele Bachmann kicked off her Presidential campaign in Waterloo, Iowa, by identifying herself with the spirit of former Waterloo resident and serial killer John Wayne Gacey. Look it up. I can't possibly explain it here. When asked if she meant to reference John Wayne, the celebrated film star who lived elsewhere in Iowa, Rep. Bachman said "as always, I stand by my words, no matter how insane and ill-informed they may be. I'm not going to flip-flop on that now."
Speaking of bad television, the Los Angeles Dodgers entered into bankruptcy protection yesterday. However, manager Don Mattingly said that the financial troubles won't affect the team at all, going on to pledge "to continue to suck for the rest of the season just as hard, if not harder, than we have so far."
In international news, the International Criminal Court issued an arrest warrant for Colonel Gaddhafi of Libya. So now he's got that headache to deal with, AND he just lost all his best footballers! Sometimes it seems almost like it's not worth it being a dictator at all. At least he's not a Dodger's fan.
And lastly, speaking of bad television, CBS announced that Survivor host Jeff Probst will be hosting his own daytime talkshow starting in 2012. After years of watching people eat cockroaches and betray each other, seems like Probst is uniquely suited for this job.
That's it! Let's keep that energy up till tomorrow! Oh, and Anita Bryant can suck it!
Have a great day!
Coinciding with last night's episode of ABC's The Bachelorette, fans unveiled a new drinking game. Every time the Bachelorette says "Bentley" or "closure," you do a shot. Did I mention the point of the game is to get acute alcohol poisoning? Didn't get that joke? That's okay, it just means you're a single guy.
Speaking of bad television, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was found guilty on 17 out of 20 charges against him this week, meaning he will likely do some serious jail time. Look for him to feature on NBC's new Convict Apprentice.
Speaking of bad television, an amateur videographer captured shot of a shark leaping over a surfer recently. So, apparently sharks are capable of irony. In a related story: a surfer just shit his pants on video.
Speaking of bad television, FOX News host Chris Wallace came under fire this week for asking Congresswoman Michele Bachmann if she was a "flake." He apologized and said he meant to ask her if she was "a fake, because no one can be that sincerely stupid. Come on, this a put on, right? Like professional wrestling? Please, dear God, someone tell me she's not for real."
Speaking of bad television, the aforementioned Congresswoman Michele Bachmann kicked off her Presidential campaign in Waterloo, Iowa, by identifying herself with the spirit of former Waterloo resident and serial killer John Wayne Gacey. Look it up. I can't possibly explain it here. When asked if she meant to reference John Wayne, the celebrated film star who lived elsewhere in Iowa, Rep. Bachman said "as always, I stand by my words, no matter how insane and ill-informed they may be. I'm not going to flip-flop on that now."
Speaking of bad television, the Los Angeles Dodgers entered into bankruptcy protection yesterday. However, manager Don Mattingly said that the financial troubles won't affect the team at all, going on to pledge "to continue to suck for the rest of the season just as hard, if not harder, than we have so far."
In international news, the International Criminal Court issued an arrest warrant for Colonel Gaddhafi of Libya. So now he's got that headache to deal with, AND he just lost all his best footballers! Sometimes it seems almost like it's not worth it being a dictator at all. At least he's not a Dodger's fan.
And lastly, speaking of bad television, CBS announced that Survivor host Jeff Probst will be hosting his own daytime talkshow starting in 2012. After years of watching people eat cockroaches and betray each other, seems like Probst is uniquely suited for this job.
That's it! Let's keep that energy up till tomorrow! Oh, and Anita Bryant can suck it!
Have a great day!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 15, 2011
It's one month till tax day. Have you done yours yet? I did my taxes this weekend, and it was so much fun I want to do it again! Why, yes, I am a member of the Democratic Party. Why do you ask? That doesn't actually count as a joke. Those are contained below.
The hacker group Anonymous is making a name for itself this week, with the release of secret emails from Bank of America employees. It's really not a big deal, though, as the emails were mostly forwards from icanhascheezburger.com.
In Darwinian news, trainers at Sea World will soon be returning to the work with the orcas. Work stopped with the massive sea beasts after one of them killed a trainer last year. It's like that old saying goes, if you fall off the horse, you've gotta get right back on, even if that horse is a giant aquatic killer that's trying to eat you.
Speaking of saddles, Lou Dobbs is back on television, hosting a new program on Fox Business Channel, proving that you can't keep a good paranoid reactionary down. He will be sharing hosting duties with his jowls.
The NFL players union is gearing up for a strike this month. However, in a press release issued today, the union guaranteed that the players will still keep up their same level of rapes.
In celebrity news, a sex tape featuring music star Usher is up for sale. MTV has already gone on the record saying they will not air the tape, but only because it could be misconstrued as a music video.
Al Qaida released a women's magazine this month, for some reason. The 30 page, glossy magazine is only available for purchase online, and includes beauty tips for women looking to marry a suicide bomber. Next month promises instruction on electronic jihad and exfoliation. Every word of this is true. Happy Women's History Month!
In Libya, thousands of migrant workers are leaving the country due to the escalating violence, and many are vowing never to return. The story was reported on Fox Business Channel by a visibly aroused Lou Dobbs.
And lastly, the producers of Grey's Anatomy announced that the long-running show will have a musical episode in the near future. It's hard to tell if this is out of a desire to explore the characters and complex issues in the show through a new and heretofore untapped medium, or if they just now got around to ripping off season 6 of Scrubs. Either way, SING ON!
That's it for me today. If you feel like these weren't the best you've ever read... well, I'd agree. Hope you enjoyed them anyway.
See you tomorrow!
The hacker group Anonymous is making a name for itself this week, with the release of secret emails from Bank of America employees. It's really not a big deal, though, as the emails were mostly forwards from icanhascheezburger.com.
In Darwinian news, trainers at Sea World will soon be returning to the work with the orcas. Work stopped with the massive sea beasts after one of them killed a trainer last year. It's like that old saying goes, if you fall off the horse, you've gotta get right back on, even if that horse is a giant aquatic killer that's trying to eat you.
Speaking of saddles, Lou Dobbs is back on television, hosting a new program on Fox Business Channel, proving that you can't keep a good paranoid reactionary down. He will be sharing hosting duties with his jowls.
The NFL players union is gearing up for a strike this month. However, in a press release issued today, the union guaranteed that the players will still keep up their same level of rapes.
In celebrity news, a sex tape featuring music star Usher is up for sale. MTV has already gone on the record saying they will not air the tape, but only because it could be misconstrued as a music video.
Al Qaida released a women's magazine this month, for some reason. The 30 page, glossy magazine is only available for purchase online, and includes beauty tips for women looking to marry a suicide bomber. Next month promises instruction on electronic jihad and exfoliation. Every word of this is true. Happy Women's History Month!
In Libya, thousands of migrant workers are leaving the country due to the escalating violence, and many are vowing never to return. The story was reported on Fox Business Channel by a visibly aroused Lou Dobbs.
And lastly, the producers of Grey's Anatomy announced that the long-running show will have a musical episode in the near future. It's hard to tell if this is out of a desire to explore the characters and complex issues in the show through a new and heretofore untapped medium, or if they just now got around to ripping off season 6 of Scrubs. Either way, SING ON!
That's it for me today. If you feel like these weren't the best you've ever read... well, I'd agree. Hope you enjoyed them anyway.
See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 9, 2011
Did you have a great Mardi Gras? Well, good for you. I hope you enjoy your penance. What's that? You are enjoying it? Then you're doing it wrong. Try again. Also, here are jokes:
In Libya, rumors circulated throughout the country that Colonel Gadaffi was looking to negotiate an exit from the country and an abdication of his leadership. Representatives for the insane leader refuted the story, saying "No, he's not going anywhere. Why, what did you hear? You think the rebels would be cool with that?" In a related story, the widely-trusted Colonel offered to discuss his possible exit in person with opposition leaders "and as many rebel troops as possible" in a wide open plain near the Libyan air force.
In legal food news Lady Gaga is suing the makers of "Baby Gaga" ice cream, which is made from human breast milk. "I would never associate my name with something like that," the pop star said, then put on a wide-brimmed hat made entirely of meat.
In South Carolina, Governor Nikki Haley is writing her memoir. When asked about projected book sales, she said "if it doesn't sell, I'll just call it a history book and make the public schools buy it. That's basically what happened with A Separate Peace."
In Pennsylvania, a prominent celebrity boxing promoter stands accused of fixing fights. This news is devastating to the many fans of celebrity boxing. This revelation also calls into question the real ass-whipping power of Danny Bonaduce. The sport may never recover.
Warner Brothers will soon be offering full-length films through Facebook in a move to destroy all American productivity once and for all.
American Sikhs, mistaken for Muslims, are being targeted for hate crimes by some of the worst bigots ever. A spokesman for the Sikh community said "it's always disheartening to see violence like this, but it's even worse somehow when you realize these ignorant bastards can't even get their bigotry right. Pathetic."
A legal fight is brewing this week in California over the 2012 Golden Globes Award Ceremony. It seems that no one can agree as to who has to air it.
Lastly, Phil Collins announced this week, several times, that he will be quitting music. He plans to use his new free time to concentrate on resuming his acting career, saying "they're still shooting episodes of Miami Vice, right?" When asked if he might return to music in the future, he said it was "against all odds, but it's the chance I have to take."
That's it for now. Does anyone else want to listen to "In the Air Tonight?" Hey, once you're done, how about leaving a comment below? How about reposting us on Twitter or Facebook or Buzz? How about emailing us to all your friends? Yes, all of them. How about that? How about coming back tomorrow? Hope you have a great Wednesday and I'll see you again tomorrow!
In Libya, rumors circulated throughout the country that Colonel Gadaffi was looking to negotiate an exit from the country and an abdication of his leadership. Representatives for the insane leader refuted the story, saying "No, he's not going anywhere. Why, what did you hear? You think the rebels would be cool with that?" In a related story, the widely-trusted Colonel offered to discuss his possible exit in person with opposition leaders "and as many rebel troops as possible" in a wide open plain near the Libyan air force.
In legal food news Lady Gaga is suing the makers of "Baby Gaga" ice cream, which is made from human breast milk. "I would never associate my name with something like that," the pop star said, then put on a wide-brimmed hat made entirely of meat.
In South Carolina, Governor Nikki Haley is writing her memoir. When asked about projected book sales, she said "if it doesn't sell, I'll just call it a history book and make the public schools buy it. That's basically what happened with A Separate Peace."
In Pennsylvania, a prominent celebrity boxing promoter stands accused of fixing fights. This news is devastating to the many fans of celebrity boxing. This revelation also calls into question the real ass-whipping power of Danny Bonaduce. The sport may never recover.
Warner Brothers will soon be offering full-length films through Facebook in a move to destroy all American productivity once and for all.
American Sikhs, mistaken for Muslims, are being targeted for hate crimes by some of the worst bigots ever. A spokesman for the Sikh community said "it's always disheartening to see violence like this, but it's even worse somehow when you realize these ignorant bastards can't even get their bigotry right. Pathetic."
A legal fight is brewing this week in California over the 2012 Golden Globes Award Ceremony. It seems that no one can agree as to who has to air it.
Lastly, Phil Collins announced this week, several times, that he will be quitting music. He plans to use his new free time to concentrate on resuming his acting career, saying "they're still shooting episodes of Miami Vice, right?" When asked if he might return to music in the future, he said it was "against all odds, but it's the chance I have to take."
That's it for now. Does anyone else want to listen to "In the Air Tonight?" Hey, once you're done, how about leaving a comment below? How about reposting us on Twitter or Facebook or Buzz? How about emailing us to all your friends? Yes, all of them. How about that? How about coming back tomorrow? Hope you have a great Wednesday and I'll see you again tomorrow!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 1, 2011
Happy Tuesday, everybody. I've got some jokes for you.
In Libya, sources close to the robe-loving madman-in-chief confirm that Col. Gadhaffi has sent his "voluptuous, blond, Ukranian nurse" out of the country. I wonder if there was a Casablanca moment at the airstrip, when Gadhaffi said "if you don't get on that plane, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but definitely within a week, 'cause these guys are going to kill us all. Ten days, tops. Am I right? Yeah, we're gonna get executed. Seriously, you should go."
Afterward, Col. Gadhaffi responded to the violent revolt in his country by going on TMZ.com and demanding a raise. In Tunisia, the interim Prime Minister and members of the cabinet resigned, saying "come on, let's not kid ourselves."
In America, Justin Bieber got a haircut after someone told him he was starting to look like Justin Bieber. Some of his hair is being auctioned off on eBay, in what is clearly the beginning of an episode of To Catch a Predator: ALL GIRLS EDITION!
In "entertainment" news, the Oscars happened. In Berlin, a cross-eyed opossum named Heidi correctly picked every award-winner, except for Best Picture, which Heidi gave to 127 Hours. Really? 127 Hours as best picture? That is one dumbass opossum.
On the other hand, a cross-eyed opossum randomly picking the winners only differed from the Academy's "carefully considered" choices once. Once! Does that mean we can finally do away with all the voting and just let a hideous, filthy beast pick the winners? No, that wasn't a Bruce Vilanch joke.
A recently released FBI memo from 1961 indicates that Ted Kennedy attempted to rent out an entire brothel when he visited Chile, which is ridiculous because everyone knows it's so much cheaper in the long run to buy, not rent, especially for "high volume" customers. Please note: Charlie Sheen did not appear in this joke. But he probably would have been in that brothel.
In other news, 20 tons of mayonnaise spilled on a Missouri highway, halting traffic in what is being described as the tangiest travel delay in recorded history.
Lastly, Bernie Madoff called the government "a Ponzi scheme" in a recent interview and called financial reform "a joke." He immediately won several GOP Presidential straw polls. Suck it, Huckabee.
That's all for now. There will be more tomorrow, assuming today doesn't wind up dull. Share us on Twitter/Facebook/Buzz/Email, and send over a comment while you're at it. Any topics you want to suggest? Go crazy!
In Libya, sources close to the robe-loving madman-in-chief confirm that Col. Gadhaffi has sent his "voluptuous, blond, Ukranian nurse" out of the country. I wonder if there was a Casablanca moment at the airstrip, when Gadhaffi said "if you don't get on that plane, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but definitely within a week, 'cause these guys are going to kill us all. Ten days, tops. Am I right? Yeah, we're gonna get executed. Seriously, you should go."
Afterward, Col. Gadhaffi responded to the violent revolt in his country by going on TMZ.com and demanding a raise. In Tunisia, the interim Prime Minister and members of the cabinet resigned, saying "come on, let's not kid ourselves."
In America, Justin Bieber got a haircut after someone told him he was starting to look like Justin Bieber. Some of his hair is being auctioned off on eBay, in what is clearly the beginning of an episode of To Catch a Predator: ALL GIRLS EDITION!
In "entertainment" news, the Oscars happened. In Berlin, a cross-eyed opossum named Heidi correctly picked every award-winner, except for Best Picture, which Heidi gave to 127 Hours. Really? 127 Hours as best picture? That is one dumbass opossum.
On the other hand, a cross-eyed opossum randomly picking the winners only differed from the Academy's "carefully considered" choices once. Once! Does that mean we can finally do away with all the voting and just let a hideous, filthy beast pick the winners? No, that wasn't a Bruce Vilanch joke.
A recently released FBI memo from 1961 indicates that Ted Kennedy attempted to rent out an entire brothel when he visited Chile, which is ridiculous because everyone knows it's so much cheaper in the long run to buy, not rent, especially for "high volume" customers. Please note: Charlie Sheen did not appear in this joke. But he probably would have been in that brothel.
In other news, 20 tons of mayonnaise spilled on a Missouri highway, halting traffic in what is being described as the tangiest travel delay in recorded history.
Lastly, Bernie Madoff called the government "a Ponzi scheme" in a recent interview and called financial reform "a joke." He immediately won several GOP Presidential straw polls. Suck it, Huckabee.
That's all for now. There will be more tomorrow, assuming today doesn't wind up dull. Share us on Twitter/Facebook/Buzz/Email, and send over a comment while you're at it. Any topics you want to suggest? Go crazy!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Earnest's Weekend Monologue - February 27, 2011
What a week it's been... for Charlie Sheen. No, a lot of stuff happened this week-- just most of it happended to Charlie Sheen. In fact, Gaddafi has been glued to his TV screen, trying to keep up with all the Sheen news. Let's see...
Charlie Sheen has a new girlfriend. How does that happen? I think you have to use the opposite of whatever Eharmony is. There’s no algorithm to help you find someone compatible with you-- just mug shots that you rate on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being most likely to ruin your life. There’s also news that Charlie Sheen has spent 790 thousand dollars on cars for porn stars in the last month. That’s 790 thousand dollars more than anyone has spent on porn since the internet was invented.
The Nintendo 3DS went on sale in Japan this week. The Nintendo 3DS allows you to play in 3-D without wearing 3-D glasses. The 3-D experience means it’s like you can see things coming at you while you play-- everything except light poles, newspaper boxes, and other people on the sidewalk.
The Discovery took off for its last flight this this week. According to NASA, they’re going to “really open it up this time and see what that baby can do.”
In other space news, a massive solar storm erupted on the Sun this weekend, ruining no one’s travel plans. Well, almost no one. The guys on Discovery aren’t going to be able to put the top down on this flight.
The Oscars are tonight, which means ten hours of red carpet coverage before the show. I think they should give those reporters who’ve been covering the turmoil in the mid-east a break, let them handle the red carpet, and send the entertainment journalist back to Libya and Tunisia. I can see it now. “... And what are you wearing?” “A TOURNIQUET!”
Don't forget to come back all week for Seth and Spencer's monologues!
Charlie Sheen has a new girlfriend. How does that happen? I think you have to use the opposite of whatever Eharmony is. There’s no algorithm to help you find someone compatible with you-- just mug shots that you rate on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being most likely to ruin your life. There’s also news that Charlie Sheen has spent 790 thousand dollars on cars for porn stars in the last month. That’s 790 thousand dollars more than anyone has spent on porn since the internet was invented.
The Nintendo 3DS went on sale in Japan this week. The Nintendo 3DS allows you to play in 3-D without wearing 3-D glasses. The 3-D experience means it’s like you can see things coming at you while you play-- everything except light poles, newspaper boxes, and other people on the sidewalk.
The Discovery took off for its last flight this this week. According to NASA, they’re going to “really open it up this time and see what that baby can do.”
In other space news, a massive solar storm erupted on the Sun this weekend, ruining no one’s travel plans. Well, almost no one. The guys on Discovery aren’t going to be able to put the top down on this flight.
The Oscars are tonight, which means ten hours of red carpet coverage before the show. I think they should give those reporters who’ve been covering the turmoil in the mid-east a break, let them handle the red carpet, and send the entertainment journalist back to Libya and Tunisia. I can see it now. “... And what are you wearing?” “A TOURNIQUET!”
Don't forget to come back all week for Seth and Spencer's monologues!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 24, 2011
Yesterday in Central Falls, Rhode Island, the city fired all of its high school teachers in what sounds suspiciously like the beginning of a raucous teen comedy.
Ford Motors recalled thousands of F-150 trucks over a problem with improperly installed airbags. A spokesman for the company explained, saying, "our trucks aren't supposed to have airbags 'cause our customers don't need 'em! Airbags are for little sissies who drive Chevrolets! Right?! Yeah! Let's go get tanked! Ford tough!"
In a bold show of leadership by omission, the Obama administration will no longer be defending federal laws that ban gay marriage. Congratulations, President Obama, for being lazy enough to finally do the right thing on gay marriage!
Alleged television star and "Real Housewives" participant Countess LuAnn de Lesseps is back in the news for her upcoming appearance on Law and Order: SVU. Ms. de Lesseps said she's excited to be back in scripted television.
A recent software update from Microsoft caused some Windows Mobile devices to stop working entirely. When confronted by angry consumers, Steve Ballmer said "come on, you can't really be surprised."
Christine O'Donnell revealed yesterday that she was invited to join Dancing With The Stars, indicating that America may be out of stars. When asked if she could dance, Ms. O'Donnell replied, "no, but I also can't think in coherent thoughts, and I was almost a Senator. Why not give it a shot?"
Musician/rolemodel Sting said yesterday that he was troubled by the violence in Libya, and worried about the future of the country. Well, that's it. If you've lost Sting, you've lost Libya.
Lastly, a man jumped the barricade during a taping of NBC's Today Show, shouting "I'm God's gift to music!" before being subdued by security guards. It's the most bizarre Today Show moment in recent memory that didn't involve Kathie Lee.
That's it for me. Spencer's here tomorrow and Earnest checks in on Sunday. Tell your friends, share us on Facebook/Twitter/Buzz/CompuServe and let us know what you're thinking!
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