December 14, 2018: Guilty by (National Rifle) Association

Let's get to the jokes!

In justice news, a man who sexually assaulted a woman while on a commercial flight has been sentenced to nine years in prison, and another three years waiting in LaGuardia's security line.

Speaking of airlines, a human heart was recently found in the cabin on a Southwest flight. And you thought the guy eating a plate of salmon from "Chili's To-Go" was the most disgusting thing on your flight.

The state of California is exploring a plan to start taxing text messages. At first I was like "LOL srsly?" and then I was like "FML."

Kate Middleton recently shocked tourists who saw her driving herself into Buckingham Palace. Not sure why that's a big deal.

Just another day for the royals. 

Jennifer Aniston just revealed who it is that doesn't want a Friends reunion: people who own televisions.

Steph Curry reportedly doesn't think we landed on the Moon, so now I guess next year we should expect to see Joe Rogan join the Warriors' starting lineup.

Former judge (impeached) and failed Senate candidate Roy Moore, who was interviewed (and mercilessly mocked) on Sacha Baron Cohen's Who Is America? program, has claimed that the producers used fraud to gain his consent. Moore came to this conclusion after recently learning the word "consent."

Presidential "son" Donald Trump Jr. has revealed that his father, the President, is a "re-gifter." According to Junior, the President is always passing off stuff he doesn't want, kind of like the indictments he'll be passing along to his children for Christmas.

And now, let's get into this Russian spy stuff.

Maybe you've heard about "Maria Butina," and you thought "is that Alison Brie's character's stage name in GLOW?

Now shooting Season Three! Now shooting literally everything!

If only. Turns out she's a damn spy for the Russians.

Remember in Red Dawn when the Soviets invaded and the Brat Pack had to fight them off with their legally obtained and owned home arsenals of rifles and pistols? Well, thank God for the National Rifle Association, because without them and their protection of personal gun ownership rights, that movie wouldn't have made any sense. It would've just been an incoherent mess with no sense of history, international relations, or military reality.

Yeah, like that.

Yeah, like that.

But as they say, you either die a hero (Charlie Sheen in Red Dawn) or live long enough to become a villain (Charlie Sheen in everything since Red Dawn), because now we see that the great savior of American freedom, the NRA, was invaded and compromised by Butina, who just plead guilty to a bunch of espionage charges (Wolverines?) and now it looks like she used the NRA to funnel millions of dollars of Russian money into the 2016 election, in violation of US law. And no amount of shiny replacement phalluses will ever erase that stain on the NRA.

We've somehow dishonored the legacy of C. Thomas Howell and his pseudo-phallus.

Later!