September 24, 2015: Let's See the Birther Certificate

Remember that guy who jacked up the price on a 62-year-old toxoplasmosis drug from $13.50 to $750 per pill? Yeah, Donald Trump just called him "disgusting" and "a disgrace," which may be a condemnation or an indication that Trump plans to hire him.

Speaking of Trump speaking, he also said that the birther movement started with Hillary Clinton. He went on to say it was her idea for him to start put his name on all his buildings in giant letters, say creepy things about how hot his daughter is, and to way over-use the word 'huge' in conversation.

The U.S. Department of Defense revealed that fingerprint files for 5.6 million people were stolen in a recent data breach. A spokesman for the Chinese government said "No, it wasn't nearly that many people," adding "I mean, 'no we didn't.'"

Here's something weird. The Dalai Lama said that he thinks it's possible for there to be a female Dalai Lama, although she would have to be "very, very attractive." It's possible he was confusing "Dalai Lama" with "meteorologist on a Spanish language morning show."

Or he's just fucking with us. When you've been reincarnated that many times, you probably develop all sorts of hyper-specific inside jokes that only your previous incarnations get. Kinda like reading this blog from the beginning.

Former University of Oklahoma football player Marcus Dupree revealed recently that when he was recruited by colleges in the early 1980s, one of them offered him an oil well as a signing bonus. Because everyone knows how much college kids love their oil wells. They'd much rather have some mineral rights than a shiny Corvette filled with hookers made out of cocaine. Duh.

Former penal colony Australia is set to deny entry to former singer Chris Brown over his history of violence. Australia, the country whose national bird is a punch in the teeth, has said "no" to Chris Brown. The continent where kangaroos and koalas get into bar fights, where the national anthem includes the sound of people spitting out their own broken teeth, where the Queen started her own chapter of Fight Club, has deemed Chris Brown an unacceptable risk. Well done, Australia.

Pope Francis is in the U.S., having not been deemed an unnecessarily violent threat to the peace. After addressing Congress, the Pope blew off an offer to lunch with Congressional leadership to instead eat with the homeless in DC, probably because the homeless aren't a bunch of assholes.

While in the States, Pope Francis is speaking out on climate change, poverty and the dangers of capitalism. And, he'll also show you some sweet kick moves for the next time you're playing Hacky Sack.

Friday Morning Monologue - November 16, 2012

Texas A&M wide receiver Thomas Johnson was found safely in Dallas yesterday after disappearing earlier in the week. Coaches were relieved to have him back, and will be more specific next time they tell him to go long.

United Airlines had a massive computer outage yesterday, forcing them to work without the technology that has made it so much easier for them to deliver shitty service. Just like the olden times.

eBay is testing a new same-day delivery service, for when you absolutely can't wait to have the things that you absolutely don't have to have.

In South Africa a man was arrested with 220 diamonds hidden in his stomach. Authorities accused him of smuggling, although it's likely he was planning to take the world's most expensive dump.

Seattle Police just published a guide to legal marijuana use. Fortunately it was printed on rolling papers.

New Scrabble boards include RFID chips to broadcast your games over the Internet, so that bullies will know exactly where to go to kick your ass.

A new study found that "exposure" to living in America increases the risk of diabetes for immigrants. More importantly, however, it increases the risk of exposure to Kardashians.

And finally, soccer star Luis Suarez said, following a trade from Manchester United to Liverpool, that he's happy to be in Liverpool, making him the only person who is happy to be in Liverpool.

That's it! See you next week!

Monday Morning Monologue - October 15, 2012

Happy day, everyone! Let's have some frivolity!

American health insurance provider UnitedHealth is expanding into Brazil. A spokesman said the company is thrilled to have the opportunity to deny claims in a whole new country.

In New Jersey, a patron at McDonald's complained about the restaurant constantly playing Fox News. The man was upset at the restaurant for poisoning his mind, when clearly he only wanted to poison his body.

Physicists Serge Haroche and David Wineland won the Nobel Prize last week for their work with quantum particles, even though they've been completely unable to get Sam Beckett back home.

Don't worry, Sam. Ziggy's working on it.

In other news, skydiver Felix Baumgartner dove from the very upper limits of the atmosphere yesterday, falling fast enough to break the sound barrier. And if he didn't take that opportunity to break wind at the same time, then he's a fool.

In sports news, Yankee's manager Joe Girardi was ejected from a game yesterday for arguing with an umpire over a blown call. The manager later said it's time for baseball to start using instant replay technology, because clearly baseball is just getting far too fast paced and needs to slow things down.

In college football news, Alabama and Florida are at the top of the latest BCS standings. Incidentally, that sentence also works if you replace "BCS standings" with "obesity and diabetes."

Speaking of health, Nestle announced they will cut salt and sugar content in all their children's cereals. They will, of course, be replacing it with trace amounts of crystal methamphetamine.

And finally, sources close to Kim Kardashian report that she's already planning her wedding to Kanye West. She's already got the divorce planned.

Did I do that joke already? Oh, who cares.

See you tomorrow!