Monday Morning Monologue - October 15, 2012

Happy day, everyone! Let's have some frivolity!

American health insurance provider UnitedHealth is expanding into Brazil. A spokesman said the company is thrilled to have the opportunity to deny claims in a whole new country.

In New Jersey, a patron at McDonald's complained about the restaurant constantly playing Fox News. The man was upset at the restaurant for poisoning his mind, when clearly he only wanted to poison his body.

Physicists Serge Haroche and David Wineland won the Nobel Prize last week for their work with quantum particles, even though they've been completely unable to get Sam Beckett back home.

Don't worry, Sam. Ziggy's working on it.

In other news, skydiver Felix Baumgartner dove from the very upper limits of the atmosphere yesterday, falling fast enough to break the sound barrier. And if he didn't take that opportunity to break wind at the same time, then he's a fool.

In sports news, Yankee's manager Joe Girardi was ejected from a game yesterday for arguing with an umpire over a blown call. The manager later said it's time for baseball to start using instant replay technology, because clearly baseball is just getting far too fast paced and needs to slow things down.

In college football news, Alabama and Florida are at the top of the latest BCS standings. Incidentally, that sentence also works if you replace "BCS standings" with "obesity and diabetes."

Speaking of health, Nestle announced they will cut salt and sugar content in all their children's cereals. They will, of course, be replacing it with trace amounts of crystal methamphetamine.

And finally, sources close to Kim Kardashian report that she's already planning her wedding to Kanye West. She's already got the divorce planned.

Did I do that joke already? Oh, who cares.

See you tomorrow!