BIG NEWS! Lance Armstrong is stepping down from his cancer charity, due to his alleged doping. It's a real missed opportunity, though, for Armstrong to spread the word about how effective steroids are against cancer.
Lance Armstrong is set to lose around $30 million dollars in sponsors, because of his doping history. However, he will still be sponsored by raisins, because of his doping history.
Because steroids shrank his nut.
In Florida, a man was charged with smuggling dinosaur bones into the country. In hindsight, he probably shouldn't have packed them in cocaine.
The FBI arrested a man for plotting to blow up the Federal Reserve yesterday. Apparently he wasn't satisfied with how slowly the Fed was destroying itself.
New York Yankees short stop Derek Jeter is set to recover from ankle surgery for five months. He won't be able to play, but he will still be able to spread herpes.
In Japan, there's a new trend called "cuddle bars." People pay money to nap with others, but be careful if anyone offers you a "tip."
It's a penis tip.
Vice President Biden was campaigning in Colorado yesterday, urging voters to vote now because, in his words, "you never know what crazy shit I might say before election day."
And finally, Forbes Magazine ranked Ashton Kutcher as the highest paid television actor in their recent "What's Wrong With America" issue.
The raisin council is expecting to launch and Individually Packaged initiative specifically for Armstrong to promote.
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