October 13, 2015: No Nudes is Good Nudes

Hey, where'd you guys go? Alright, back to some jokes.

Medical researchers are close to perfecting a new gene therapy that would allow for pig-to-human transplants. Great news for plastic surgery, obviously. Now you can have tusks grafted on, a curly tail added, or up to eight breast implants at once.

Citizens in Vanuatu are upset over a recent political scandal that ended with 13 government officials pardoning themselves of corruption charges. No word yet on their ongoing medical treatment for testicular elephantitis.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, which is terrible news for young women looking for sexual empowerment.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, and next year they'll just stop publishing altogether.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, but they will start offering scratch-n-sniff stickers.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, but they plan to increase the number of Georgia O'Keefe paintings they include in each issue.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, which is great news for pubic hair.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, except for tasteful shots of a naked Hugh Hefner getting out of his therapeutic bathtub.

In other good idea news, the U.S. will soon be airdropping ammunition into Syria. In all fairness, they had a lot leftover from when we dropped ammunition for the mujahideen in the 1980s.

A woman in Florida did something totally classy and reasonable recently. KIDDING! A Florida woman was arrested recently after driving drunk and broadcasting herself live on Periscope. After she was booked, the young woman was reportedly thrilled that she had at least one viewer.

In Prairie View, Texas, police are defending their decision to use a Taser on a city councilman who was attempting to intervene in police questioning his friend. In their defense, the cops say, the man in question was particularly black at the time of the incident.

And lastly, a young man was able to exploit a computer error this week and purchased the domain name "Google.com" for $12. But don't worry, they've totally got your credit card number on lockdown.

Thursday Morning Monologue - July 5, 2012

Good morning, everybody. I hope you're having a groovy Thursday. I know I (probably) am. I don't know for sure. I write these in advance. If anyone can confirm the grooviness of my Thursday, please let me know. In exchange, partake of these jokes.

Did you hear about the big discovery in physics? Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Cern, Switzerland, believe they have confirmed the existence of one of the building blocks of the universe: the Higgs Boson particle. In case you didn't know, this is kind of a big deal. So much so that the atmosphere at the press conference confirming the discovery was "like a rock concert" according to a physicist who has never been to a rock concert. In honor of their hard work, I now offer you some particle-themed dirty talk:
1. Just like the Higgs Boson, I'll help you get a firmer grasp of physics. And by "physics" I mean my penis.
2. Wanna super-collide our junk?
3. Maybe I'm drunk, but you look like you could be a Standard Model.
4. Mmm.... Gonna tap 'dat mass.
5. Your body is having an indirect effect on my pants.

In other news, a Kansas City police officer was accused this week of demanding that prostitutes have sex with him in order to avoid being arrested. And now no one gets off.

Facebook and General Motors are back in talks to put GM ads on Facebook again, but only if Facebook can promise better effectiveness for the ads, and fewer event invitations. Honestly, who likes those?

In Venice Beach, California, a nude man was found screaming and humping the air, apparently upset that he had just now found out he'd lost California's GOP Presidential Primary.

In television news, the major networks are heading to court to oppose Dish Network's new ad-skipping feature. But no one seems to mind their similar Whitney-skipping feature.

And finally, we've all heard by now that Tom Cruise is getting divorced for the second time, just as he's about to turn 50 years old. Yikes. A fifty year-old double-divorcee... I just can't imagine many women are gonna be sleeping with him now.

That's it. Keep on truckin' good buddies.

Monday Morning Monologue - April 30, 2012

Say goodbye to April, everybody. And say it with laughter.

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the death of Osama bin Laden, and many within the Republican party are accusing President Obama of playing politics with bin Ladin’s death. Which isn’t fair, considering that playing politics with national security has always been their thing.

The FDA just approved a new medication, Levaquin, for treating the plague. Wait a minute. Why are we making new drugs for the plague? WHAT ARE YOU NOT TELLING US, FDA?!

In New York, the Mayor’s office authorized additional livery cabs for the outer boroughs, so now there will be even more cabs out on the streets, ready to ignore black people.

After a recent anti-Saudi protests in Egypt, the Egyptian government is trying to smooth things over with the Saudi Arabian government. As part of their efforts, they’ve promised to “completely treat women like shit.”

Students in a dorm at the University of Alabama were held up by an armed robber this weekend. While the experience was traumatic, it’s nothing compared to the tender mercies of Sallie Mae.

A former Miss New Hampshire was arrested for kicking and biting her boyfriend after he accused her of cheating. Shouldn’t be a surprise, though, as her portion of the Talent competition was called simply “Jerry Springer-ing.”

In Dallas, a police officer was arrested for driving drunk, firing his weapon and possession of marijuana. He’s considering a transfer to the Secret Service.

And finally, New York City is considering a ban on “happy hour” promotions at bars. Critics argue that they’re too misleading, and have proposed renaming them “maudlin resignation hours.”

And that’s it! Later, gaters.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 18, 2012

It's Wednesday, the day named for weddings. Which now never occur on Wednesdays, making it the most ironic day of the week. Take that, Brooklynsday. You don't believe me? Check it on Wikipedia. Oh, you can't? What a shame. You'll just have to believe me. And read these jokes.

Mitt Romney said yesterday that he pays about a 15% tax rate, or as he calls it, "A Ron Paul." Because Ron Paul is polling at 15% right now. And Mitt Romney's taxes are a joke. Just not a good one.

Speaking of not a good one, Paris Hilton has a second album coming out this year. That's two albums.

Former Playboy Playmate Kendra Wilkinson just endorsed a new nut-based diet. She says it is way better than old-man-penis diet.

Yahoo! co-founder Jerry Yang is resigning, looking forward to getting a Gmail account.

In New Jersey, a woman gave birth to child on the PATH train. Congratulations, kid. Everything in your life will be a step up from here.

Kim Jong Un's older half-brother, Kim Jong Nam, said this week that the new North Korean regime won't last long. "Four, five decades, tops."

In Nepal, a police department is under investigation for running a butcher shop out of their precinct. Do I smell a wacky sitcom? No, that's just cat.

And finally, Tim Tebow will be starting next season for the Denver Broncos. Too bad he's not praying for a cure for cancer.

Fin. Until tomorrow! And until then, have a great f#&@ing day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 11, 2012

What's happening in Chicago? Let's see.

It's been unseasonably warm in Chicago this winter, with temperatures routinely in the 50s. Of course, this has caused a rush on extra-strength deodorant and all manner of topical heat rash creams.

Speaking of sweaty messes, Walgreens is opening a new upscale location in downtown Chicago. It will feature 27,000 square feet of retail shopping space, a state-of-the-art clinic, groceries, fresh deli foods, and no more than one pharmacist on duty at any time.

In Springfield, Governor Quinn is taking on pension reform to boost Illinois' credit rating and make sure the state can support the level of graft and embezzlement the taxpayers have come to depend on.

In media news, WMAQ anchor Zoraida Sambolin is leaving for New York. And although she's selling her home, the departing anchor said that "Chicago will always be home," adding under her breath "for tax purposes." Rahm Emanuel has endorsed her move.

In Waukegan, a police officer fell into the lap of a suspect during a routine traffic stop when the suspect attempted to drive away. The officer finally stopped the car and arrested the man for improperly using the carpool lane. The officer was subsequently reprimanded for not wearing his seatbelt.

In other news, Metra sent an apology letter to commuters for delays at Union Station on Monday. As the letters were carried by cars, and not trains, they arrived on time.

In financial news, ShoreBank Corporation just filed for bankruptcy and changed their name to UnShoreBank. Come on, everyone loves a pun.

And finally, Mayor Emanuel accused the Municipal Employees Union of using Chicago libraries as "a bargaining chip" in ongoing contract negotiations, saying that the libraries should instead be used for downloading porn and providing showers to homeless people.

And that's it for now! More jokes tomorrow, everyone! Until then, have a great day, and GO BLACKHAWKS!