Tuesday, October 13, 2015

October 13, 2015: No Nudes is Good Nudes

Hey, where'd you guys go? Alright, back to some jokes.

Medical researchers are close to perfecting a new gene therapy that would allow for pig-to-human transplants. Great news for plastic surgery, obviously. Now you can have tusks grafted on, a curly tail added, or up to eight breast implants at once.

Citizens in Vanuatu are upset over a recent political scandal that ended with 13 government officials pardoning themselves of corruption charges. No word yet on their ongoing medical treatment for testicular elephantitis.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, which is terrible news for young women looking for sexual empowerment.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, and next year they'll just stop publishing altogether.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, but they will start offering scratch-n-sniff stickers.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, but they plan to increase the number of Georgia O'Keefe paintings they include in each issue.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, which is great news for pubic hair.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, except for tasteful shots of a naked Hugh Hefner getting out of his therapeutic bathtub.

In other good idea news, the U.S. will soon be airdropping ammunition into Syria. In all fairness, they had a lot leftover from when we dropped ammunition for the mujahideen in the 1980s.

A woman in Florida did something totally classy and reasonable recently. KIDDING! A Florida woman was arrested recently after driving drunk and broadcasting herself live on Periscope. After she was booked, the young woman was reportedly thrilled that she had at least one viewer.

In Prairie View, Texas, police are defending their decision to use a Taser on a city councilman who was attempting to intervene in police questioning his friend. In their defense, the cops say, the man in question was particularly black at the time of the incident.

And lastly, a young man was able to exploit a computer error this week and purchased the domain name "Google.com" for $12. But don't worry, they've totally got your credit card number on lockdown.

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