October 21, 2015: Sounds like a Blown Speaker

Hey, want to be Speaker of the House? No, you don't. Nobody does, but someone has to do it. It's like being a colorectal surgeon, except you get get to deal with 434 pains in the ass, and it's your own ass instead of someone else. Plus, you still have to pretend to hate ObamaCare even though you don't have a better idea and you're secretly so relieved that it's there.

What was I saying? Oh, right. It's a crap job, but someone has to do it. If only there was someone in Congress already used to taking on losing propositions and getting beaten up in the national media... maybe someone who made a name for himself as the sidekick to a failed presidential hopeful a few years ago.

Yep, Rep. Paul Ryan is quietly making it known that he may be willing to take on the worst job in Washington D.C. that doesn't involve the words, "crack," "whore," or "Assistant to Mr. Chuck Todd." But, before he gives up his plum position as Chair of the House Ways and Means Committee, Paul Ryan has a few conditions that must be met:

• GOP congressional caucus members shall refrain from making eye contact with Speaker Ryan on leg day, or during any exercise involving his glutes
• If asked, caucus members shall agree that Ryan could totally still be President someday
• Voting ties will be settled by arm-wrestling
• Roll-call will be replaced with arm-wrestling. You lose, you don't get to vote today
• Former Gov. Mitt Romney will not be allowed in the Capitol
• The "Freedom Caucus" will be renamed the "French Caucus"
• Rep. Boehner must remain in a holding cell under the Capitol building "for emergencies"
• Will only be Speaker until the party can unite behind one candidate they all truly love
• Will be allowed to be as drunk as he needs to be while performing any and all Speaker-related duties
• No more Eddie Munster jokes

God bless America and our flawlessly executed political system. See you "tomorrow!"