Monday Morning Monologue - July 30, 2012

Happy Monday! See, that was meant ironically. Like these jokes.

Customs agents in Norway found two ounces of marijuana in Snoop Dogg's luggage, leading Snoop Dogg to wonder "where did I leave the other six pounds of marijuana I brought with me?"

Japanese ukulele players set a new world record for the most ukulele's played together in concert at one time this weekend. Those in attendance set a new world record for tolerating ukulele music.

Former Vice President Dick "Tin Woodsman" Cheney said in a recent interview that putting Sarah Palin on the 2008 ticket was "a mistake." Congratulations, Sarah Palin! You are now officially more repellent to Dick Cheney than torture and Lynne Cheney's awful romance novel.

A new study on workplace behavior revealed that people who curse on the job are less likely to be promoted, which is some real bullshit.

And finally, some tips for watching the Olympics.

• If you've ever wanted to watch competitors poop, your best options are long distance running and the horse dressage events.
• Fencers are no longer required to softly whisper their true love's name and expire after losing a match.
• Pay special attention to the rowing events, as those skills will become increasingly important once the polar ice caps melt and we're all living in friggin' Waterworld.
• Try not to think about all the things you could have accomplished if only you were willing to put in the time and effort.

That's it! Later, gaters.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 25, 2012

Let's make it happen, Wednesday. I knew a kid named Wednesday once. Or maybe it was Wendy. Whatever. Enjoy these jokes, or don't.

Snoop Dogg is releasing a reggae album, just in case you'd forgotten that he liked marijuana.

Executives at NBC defended changes made to Community for next season, including cutting the number of episodes, removing Dan Harmon as show runner, and moving the show to Friday nights, following Whitney. In response to vocal criticism from fans, executives explained "we're not very good at our jobs. Perhaps you've not been paying attention."

Investors were disappointed by Apple Computers' $8.8billion profits last quarter, but encouraged by their new plan to use iTunes to sell methamphetamine.

A Monsignor in Pennsylvania was sentenced to 3 - 6 years in prison for covering up sexual abuse. He's also been ruled bowl-ineligible for the next four seasons.

YouTube is trying to discourage anonymous posting by linking user comments to their Google+ profile. The hardest part will be finding people with Google+ accounts.

NASA scientists discovered an unprecedented amount of Greenland's ice shelf melted this summer, which means a real estate boom in Greenland, right?

Netflix shares are down, but piracy is still blah blah blah. Sorry, that joke sucked.

And finally, ABC announced a new cooking reality show where chefs will be forced to create dishes under conditions found in ancient history, without modern conveniences like electricity or running water. And the secret ingredient? Probably Hepatitis. Bon appetit!

Consider that the end of the blog. Because it is.

Monday Morning Monologue - March 19, 2012

Top of the morning to you. It's time for "hilarity" once more. Read on, and enjoy to your heart's content.

In Louisiana, rapper Lil' Wayne was ordered by the state to cut the grass at his mansion. A confused Snoop Dogg showed up immediately, offering to help.

Oprah Winfrey's "OWN" network just cancelled Rosie O'Donnell's talk show. They could have handled it more delicately, though. Instead, Oprah called the production staff into her office and just started shouting "YOU'RE GETTING FIRED! AND YOU'RE GETTING FIRED! AND YOU'RE GETTING FIRED!"

And you're getting sick of that particular Oprah punchline. I'll do my best to retire it. Just like Oprah retired Rosie.

Actor-activist George Clooney was arrested in a protest outside the Sudanese embassy last week. Finally, someone who has some credibility when he says "I'm too pretty for prison."

A British study found that children as young as ten years old are familiar with popular alcohol brands, thanks to advertising. So now it's more important than ever for parents to tell their children which brands of booze are actually good. Otherwise kids will just drink Smirnoff Ice and never move past it. And that's just sad.

In Russia, two young punk rock musicians, who happen to be young girls, were thrown in prison for praying to the Virgin Mary to deliver the country from Vladimir Putin. Once you use the power of the state to protect yourself from the prayers of a couple of girls, suddenly you don't seem that macho any more.

An exhibit at the Nixon library in California just went up with several love letters written by the former president to his wife. And just like most everything associated with Richard Nixon, large portions have been redacted, this time for decency.

Film director Kevin Smith said recently that podcasting saved his career, proving that podcasts are stronger than Jersey Girl. Thank goodness.

And finally, in Austin, Texas, entrepreneurs came under criticism for turning local homeless people into mobile wi-fi hotspots during South By South West. But it's not nearly as bad as their original plan, to somehow turn homeless people into some kind of living, breathing, satirical statement about the embarrassing gulf between rich and poor in this country, and how easy it is to ignore said gulf. Thank goodness that didn't happen.

Okay, that's all.