Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 31, 2013

Firefighters in London report a surge of handcuff-related injuries from people inspired to reenact scenes from Fifty Shades of Grey. Who would have guessed people who loved that book would be too dumb to work a pair of handcuffs?

Scientists found that a diabetes pill has an anti-aging effect in lab mice. "Great news!" said the diabetic lab mice. "We were hoping to drag out this existence as long as possible!"

A man arrested by the DEA and left abandoned in a windowless cell for four days was just awarded a $4.1 million settlement, and a co-creator credit for the reality series based on his experiences. The show is called Drink Your Own Urine.

Dock workers in Los Angeles found a cat stowed away in a freighter that arrived from the Philippines. So now cats are sneaking into the country to take all our pooping-in-boxes-and-sleeping-all-day jobs.

New York City's large soda ban was just ruled unconstitutional, under the "Full Faith and Fatass" clause.

Anthony Weiner released a video yesterday saying that he won't quit. He won't quit the race mayoral race, and he won't quit describing his dick to strange women on the Internet.

Time Warner Cable has decided not to pull CBS from its cable service, despite ongoing contract renegotiations. So don't worry, you'll still be greeted by the latest episode of NCIS when you visit your grandparents.

And finally, mass killing suspect and militant racist Anders Breivik just applied to attend university. He's going to be so pissed off when he learns about affirmative action.

That's it!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 26, 2012

Good day, friends. Let's make light of it all.

Korean rapper and dance-savant PSY has pledged that he will go topless if his hit "Gangnam Style" reaches the Number One spot on Billboard's Top Twenty. In response, no one is buying his album.

No one wants to see that.

Speaking of nudity, a local newspaper in the Solomon Islands published topless photos of Kate Middleton and may now close because of it, and not because print is a dying medium.

The Japanese Navy turned back Taiwanese boats in Japanese waters this week with water cannons. The cannons were especially effective, as the boats' crew were all cats.

There you go.

In other cat news, a cat is running for mayor of the Canadian city of Halifax. He's doing really well in the polls, thanks to his wildly popular platform of "meow." But since he's Canadian, it's more like "meow, eh."

That may be the worst joke I've ever written. Or the best...

Speaking of worst and best, Myspace is rebooting itself, again. This time they are focusing on their ideal, core audience: people who were in comas from 2005 until now.

In other tech news, Google said that it "hasn't done anything with maps" for Apple's new iOS6. Strangely, neither has Apple.

In sports news, the NFL referee lockout continues, despite high profile failures by the replacement refs. In a related story, boxing is now considered respectable and organized.

And finally, a medical report just out found that breathing European air will shorten your life. But it seems longer if you measure it in metric units.

THANK YOU GOOD NIGHT!

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 30, 2012

Good morning, my friends.

Actress Shirley MacLaine says that today Hollywood "ignores older viewers" and their tastes. Also, the movies aren't loud enough.

Police in California suspect that Lindsay Lohan may have lied about a car accident in June. Their first clue was when her statement began with "I am not Lindsay Lohan."

In Moscow, Russian anti-Putin activist Taisiya Osipova was sentenced to eight years in prison for drug charges. Outside observers suspect the drugs were planted in a move planned to keep Osipova from being murdered by Putin for at least the next eight years.

A good Samaritan returned Edward Furlong's wallet after the actor was mugged in Los Angeles. No word yet on whether or not his career will ever turn up.

Danny Wright of Carlsbad, California, convicted of stealing 3,500 Pillow Pets from a warehouse, narrowly avoided a jail term, wherein he would certainly have learned a new-found empathy for Pillow Pets.

Today, Minneapolis hosts the first ever "Internet Cat Video Film Festival" in someone's basement.

Yesterday, President Obama went on Reddit to endorse an amendment to the Constitution aimed at overturning the "Citizens United" decision. He was immediately flamed for being a troll.

Also, he put the quote on a fundraising flyer. So...

And finally, in Berlin, Samsung unveiled a new line of tablets and smartphones immediately after leaving the Apple Store.

That's the end!