The Senate just passed immigration reform. Meanwhile, the House of Representatives is doing it's best to make sure no one wants to move here.
Insiders report that Google is working on a gaming console. The flagship game is planned to be a puzzle game called "Give Us Your Credit Card Number."
Streaming music service Spotify just hired 130 engineers, which means that musicians can make money off the service, so long as they can program in Drupal.
NASA just launched a new satellite to observe the sun. It's mission includes testing new technology from Ray-Ban.
Also, it's a continuation of a project from Mississippi called "Go Outside and Stare at the Sun."
The Drug Enforcement Agency is cracking down on designer drugs, which is great news for people who buy their drugs at outlet stores.
The Cleveland Cavaliers used their Number One draft pick to get Anthony Bennet of UNLV. And since he's going to the Cavs, this will be the last time he gets to experience being number one.
And finally, new federal nutrition guidelines are going into effect to get junk food out of public schools across the country. But you can still teach Intelligent Design.
Have a great weekend!
Showing posts with label senate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label senate. Show all posts
Friday, June 28, 2013
Monday, June 10, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - June 10, 2013
The Guardian newspaper revealed former CIA person Edward Snowden leaked the documents about PRISM. He's single, 29, enjoys Italian food and whistle blowing, and he's single, ladies! Wait, is he actually single? If only there were some way we could get a bunch more information about him...
In other PRISM news, the British intelligence service GCHQ used data collected by the NSA in maintaining national security in the UK. So now we're even for The Office coming to America.
AT&T announced this weekend that they will be raising the eligibility requirement for phone upgrades to a 24-month term. However, you're still immediately eligible for NSA surveillance.
Newark Mayor Cory Booker announced he will be running for the Senate, because after Newark not even the Senate seems dysfunctional.
In charity news, a lunch for eight people with financier Warren Buffett just sold on eBay for $1million. Still no takers on his offer to be hunted like a wild animal for $10million.
In entertainment news, horror/thriller The Purge topped the box office, surprising many industry insiders due to its risky inclusion of Ethan Hawke.
In other entertainment news, actor Russell Crowe said recently that he felt "stuck" in his costume for the upcoming Man of Steel film, and that the biggest challenge was not being able to use the bathroom for eight hours at a time. Apparently Lord Crowe is too fancy to soil himself like the rest of us.
And in Iranian politics, the upcoming presidential election has many wondering who will take over for outgoing President Ahmadinejad. Coming in last in the polls, to no surprise, the Zionist party. Meanwhile, Fox News anchors have finally managed to learn how to pronounce Ahmadinejad.
And finally, in response to anti-government rallies, Turkish Prime Minister Erdogan said this weekend that "there is an end to patience," before adding "wait, are you guys going to put that on my tombstone?"
That's it! Tomorrow will be better.
In other PRISM news, the British intelligence service GCHQ used data collected by the NSA in maintaining national security in the UK. So now we're even for The Office coming to America.
AT&T announced this weekend that they will be raising the eligibility requirement for phone upgrades to a 24-month term. However, you're still immediately eligible for NSA surveillance.
Newark Mayor Cory Booker announced he will be running for the Senate, because after Newark not even the Senate seems dysfunctional.
In charity news, a lunch for eight people with financier Warren Buffett just sold on eBay for $1million. Still no takers on his offer to be hunted like a wild animal for $10million.
In entertainment news, horror/thriller The Purge topped the box office, surprising many industry insiders due to its risky inclusion of Ethan Hawke.
In other entertainment news, actor Russell Crowe said recently that he felt "stuck" in his costume for the upcoming Man of Steel film, and that the biggest challenge was not being able to use the bathroom for eight hours at a time. Apparently Lord Crowe is too fancy to soil himself like the rest of us.
And in Iranian politics, the upcoming presidential election has many wondering who will take over for outgoing President Ahmadinejad. Coming in last in the polls, to no surprise, the Zionist party. Meanwhile, Fox News anchors have finally managed to learn how to pronounce Ahmadinejad.
And finally, in response to anti-government rallies, Turkish Prime Minister Erdogan said this weekend that "there is an end to patience," before adding "wait, are you guys going to put that on my tombstone?"
That's it! Tomorrow will be better.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - April 29, 2013
In Italy, a new national coalition government was just sworn in, marking the end of a period of great hope for the European Union.
In Greece the national government fired 15,000 workers as part of an austerity plan. Unfortunately, they were the ones in charge of the austerity plan.
The Venezuelan government will begin auditing votes from the recent presidential election because "it wasn't supposed to be that close."
Scientists have found a new strain of the malaria parasite that is resistant to drugs. Bad news for the Bill Gates foundation, as he's always been pretty bad at getting bugs out of the system.
The film Rocky is heading to Broadway as a new musical. Expectations are high, based on the recently released preview track "Nunawanahhhhh Yeahuhuuuuuh Fuhhhhhhhhhh!" Go get 'em, Rocky!
Japan recently celebrated the anniversary of the "return of sovereignty" from the U.S. to Japan after World War II. It's the first time the holiday has been celebrated, and is really more about giving thanks that they're no longer forced to work with the U.S. Senate.
If you've been on the Internet, you know North Carolina news anchor A.J. Clemente and his expletive-filled first, and last, day on the job. He recently gave an interview attempting to explain just what happened, but the entire thing had to be bleeped.
And finally, Iraq suspended al-Jazeera this weekend for "promoting violence" in the country. They also banned Chris Brown records for same reason.
And that's it! See you tomorrow, friends!
In Greece the national government fired 15,000 workers as part of an austerity plan. Unfortunately, they were the ones in charge of the austerity plan.
The Venezuelan government will begin auditing votes from the recent presidential election because "it wasn't supposed to be that close."
Scientists have found a new strain of the malaria parasite that is resistant to drugs. Bad news for the Bill Gates foundation, as he's always been pretty bad at getting bugs out of the system.
The film Rocky is heading to Broadway as a new musical. Expectations are high, based on the recently released preview track "Nunawanahhhhh Yeahuhuuuuuh Fuhhhhhhhhhh!" Go get 'em, Rocky!
Japan recently celebrated the anniversary of the "return of sovereignty" from the U.S. to Japan after World War II. It's the first time the holiday has been celebrated, and is really more about giving thanks that they're no longer forced to work with the U.S. Senate.
If you've been on the Internet, you know North Carolina news anchor A.J. Clemente and his expletive-filled first, and last, day on the job. He recently gave an interview attempting to explain just what happened, but the entire thing had to be bleeped.
And finally, Iraq suspended al-Jazeera this weekend for "promoting violence" in the country. They also banned Chris Brown records for same reason.
And that's it! See you tomorrow, friends!
Monday, July 23, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 24, 2012
Welcome back, you all. Or rather, y'all. I have eight jokes for you. One of them, however, is secretly a bon mot. See if you can spot it!
NASA declared a test of its new heat shield a "success," meaning it's super expensive.
In England, the Olympic torch visited the set of the popular soap opera EastEnders, where it was reunited with its long-lost evil twin and the Zippo lighter it gave for adoption all those years ago.
The Assad government issued a statement in Syria yesterday saying that they totally won't use chemical weapons on rebels, but they may use them on invisible people standing really close to rebels.
In Pennsylvania, shoppers at Sears were sent packing last week by a black bear that wandered into the store. Since it was a black bear, a manager followed him around to make sure he didn't steal anything.
In a related story, another black bear was spotted at the same Sears, which means now your racist bear uncle won't shop at that Sears anymore.
A former lab assistant in New Hampshire was found to be responsible for a Hepatitis C outbreak in the area. In a related story, Tommy Lee has been working as a lab assistant in New Hampshire.
Sofia Vergara was the highest-paid woman on television last year, earning $19million. Although it's really closer to $6million after she splits it with her breasts.
And finally, Senate Democrats are threatening to let all the Bush-era tax cuts expire this year, probably because they're tired of living in Washington, D.C.
And that's the end. Did you spot it?! See you tomorrow!
NASA declared a test of its new heat shield a "success," meaning it's super expensive.
In England, the Olympic torch visited the set of the popular soap opera EastEnders, where it was reunited with its long-lost evil twin and the Zippo lighter it gave for adoption all those years ago.
The Assad government issued a statement in Syria yesterday saying that they totally won't use chemical weapons on rebels, but they may use them on invisible people standing really close to rebels.
In Pennsylvania, shoppers at Sears were sent packing last week by a black bear that wandered into the store. Since it was a black bear, a manager followed him around to make sure he didn't steal anything.
In a related story, another black bear was spotted at the same Sears, which means now your racist bear uncle won't shop at that Sears anymore.
A former lab assistant in New Hampshire was found to be responsible for a Hepatitis C outbreak in the area. In a related story, Tommy Lee has been working as a lab assistant in New Hampshire.
Sofia Vergara was the highest-paid woman on television last year, earning $19million. Although it's really closer to $6million after she splits it with her breasts.
And finally, Senate Democrats are threatening to let all the Bush-era tax cuts expire this year, probably because they're tired of living in Washington, D.C.
And that's the end. Did you spot it?! See you tomorrow!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 27, 2011
Happy Tuesday! I had some Benadryl tonight, so I need to finish this befoer e;oahe; ks.
Okay, so here's 8 things you should know about the Congressional budget deal!
1. The plan includes sever funding cuts for FEMA; fortunately they have a rainy day fund.
2. The deal won't be passed this week, as the House is closed for Rosh Hashanah. Apparently the House of Representatives is part of Hollywood.
3. The proposed bill will keep the government running for the next six weeks, at which time surely all this partisan bickering will be over with.
4. The Senate initially rejected the deal due to their own internal split on the best way to destroy the country.
5. The cuts to FEMA will be balanced off with private funds, meaning that we will now have corporate branding for all future disasters. Get ready for Hurricane iPhone!
6. The plan includes a provision put in by Senate Republicans to garnish 100% of Harry Reid's lunch money, forever.
7. The congressional record of debate on this package now includes four hours of Mary Landrieu (D-LA) reciting "yo mamma" jokes directed toward Eric Cantor (R-VA).
8. The final deal includes $450 million to repair roads, but none that "poor people use."
That's all! Get yourself back here tomorrow, there will probably be more stuff like this waiting for you. That's all for now! Until then, have a great day!
Okay, so here's 8 things you should know about the Congressional budget deal!
1. The plan includes sever funding cuts for FEMA; fortunately they have a rainy day fund.
2. The deal won't be passed this week, as the House is closed for Rosh Hashanah. Apparently the House of Representatives is part of Hollywood.
3. The proposed bill will keep the government running for the next six weeks, at which time surely all this partisan bickering will be over with.
4. The Senate initially rejected the deal due to their own internal split on the best way to destroy the country.
5. The cuts to FEMA will be balanced off with private funds, meaning that we will now have corporate branding for all future disasters. Get ready for Hurricane iPhone!
6. The plan includes a provision put in by Senate Republicans to garnish 100% of Harry Reid's lunch money, forever.
7. The congressional record of debate on this package now includes four hours of Mary Landrieu (D-LA) reciting "yo mamma" jokes directed toward Eric Cantor (R-VA).
8. The final deal includes $450 million to repair roads, but none that "poor people use."
That's all! Get yourself back here tomorrow, there will probably be more stuff like this waiting for you. That's all for now! Until then, have a great day!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - September 15, 2011
Okay, enough of this sketch business. Today you get more written funny business. Mainly because I don't want to run out of sketches. But also because I had time to write these jokes. So, enjoy!
A study found the slowest download speeds in America are in Idaho. Serves them right, the stupid potato heads. Oh, don't worry. They'll never be able to read this site.
In New York, the Republican party took control of Former Congressman Anthony Weiner's seat. But his crotch remains, as always, totally out of control.
Elizabeth Warren, who had her appointment to the Consumer Protection Agency filibustered in Congress and who spent countless hours testifying before House and Senate committees, has decided to run for the Senate. It makes sense, though. After all, if she were a senator, she'd probably have to spend less time at the Senate than she does now.
A Dutch woman is facing stalking charges for calling a man 65,000 times in one year. But don't worry: it was the Verizon guy.
On the Internet, Perez Hilton is starting a website for celebrity families and the children of stars, because you're never too young to find out that strangers hate you.
The Broadway musical The Phantom of the Opera will soon turn 25 years old. In celebration, movie theaters across the country will host a broadcast of a live performance. Meanwhile, DVDs from the 2004 film adaptation are being shredded and turned into insulation.
In England, a former Toys R Us manager was found to have paid a hooker over $30,000 a week for her services. A judge is trying to help the store recoup some of those losses, but the hooker in question has a strict no return, no refund policy. Although she will offer store credit for unopened packages. What am I even talking about?!
And finally, the return of the NFL brought some much needed ratings to NBC, which has struggled in recent decades. Trying to capitalize on the resurgent popularity of the sport on television, look for NBC to work football into all their programs. First up: Ben Roethlisberger guest stars on a very special To Catch a Predator.
Okay, I'm done for the week. Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks-related fun. And I'll see you on Monday!
A study found the slowest download speeds in America are in Idaho. Serves them right, the stupid potato heads. Oh, don't worry. They'll never be able to read this site.
In New York, the Republican party took control of Former Congressman Anthony Weiner's seat. But his crotch remains, as always, totally out of control.
Elizabeth Warren, who had her appointment to the Consumer Protection Agency filibustered in Congress and who spent countless hours testifying before House and Senate committees, has decided to run for the Senate. It makes sense, though. After all, if she were a senator, she'd probably have to spend less time at the Senate than she does now.
A Dutch woman is facing stalking charges for calling a man 65,000 times in one year. But don't worry: it was the Verizon guy.
On the Internet, Perez Hilton is starting a website for celebrity families and the children of stars, because you're never too young to find out that strangers hate you.
The Broadway musical The Phantom of the Opera will soon turn 25 years old. In celebration, movie theaters across the country will host a broadcast of a live performance. Meanwhile, DVDs from the 2004 film adaptation are being shredded and turned into insulation.
In England, a former Toys R Us manager was found to have paid a hooker over $30,000 a week for her services. A judge is trying to help the store recoup some of those losses, but the hooker in question has a strict no return, no refund policy. Although she will offer store credit for unopened packages. What am I even talking about?!
And finally, the return of the NFL brought some much needed ratings to NBC, which has struggled in recent decades. Trying to capitalize on the resurgent popularity of the sport on television, look for NBC to work football into all their programs. First up: Ben Roethlisberger guest stars on a very special To Catch a Predator.
Okay, I'm done for the week. Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks-related fun. And I'll see you on Monday!
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