In London, Secretary of State Kerry accidentally blurted out that Syria could avoid a military strike from the U.S. if they would surrender their stockpiles of chemical weapons to the U.N. within one week. A representative from the Assad government was quick to praise the idea, adding "we're almost done with them anyway!"
In a related story, the State Department walked back Kerry's comments, saying the Secretary was not authorized to speak rationally.
In Florida, George Zimmerman was not arrested yesterday after his wife called 911 to report him for threatening her and her father with a gun. Zimmerman was questioned and released without any charges filed. As a result, his wife is now afraid to eat Skittles.
In Boulder, Colorado, a man was arrested for taking a drunken horse ride through town. The horse was under the legal limit, though, so he was released by police at the scene.
PayPal now offers a hands-free way to pay for things in person, using an app on your phone. In other news: DON'T EVER LOSE YOUR PHONE.
Google announced it would add embedded posts and author attribution to its Google+ social network. They will not, however, be adding a reason to use it.
The Neiman Marcus department store chain just sold to a private venture capital firm. I hope they're happy with the purchase, because that store's return policy is a nightmare.
And finally, the Sheriff's Department in Detroit announced the capture of a convict who escaped custody after stabbing a prison guard with a comb. They were never really worried, because if there's one thing the last 20 years have taught us, it's that nobody escapes Detroit.
And that's all!
Showing posts with label horses. Show all posts
Showing posts with label horses. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Thursday Morning Monologue - June 27, 2013
Paula Deen went on the Today show yesterday to apologize for, you know. She appeared to break down and cry, but it turns out it was just her body expelling excess butter from her eyes.
In a related story, Ms. Deen will soon announce a new partnership with Chick-Fil-A to sell her signature Buttered Bigot Burger.
Edward Snowden has disappeared from the Moscow airport, and no one can find him. He was last seen wearing blue jean, a red and white striped shirt and a stupid hat.
In Egypt, President Morsi delivered a speech, cautioning that civil unrest may "paralyze" the country. He went on to add "it's a real nice democracy you got there. Sure would be a shame if something... HAPPENED... to it."
Scientists discovered that the first horses lived around 4 million years ago, right about the time of the first TrapperKeeper.
In other animal news, scientists will begin retiring chimpanzees from medical testing. Great, so now there's even more competition on the job market.
Microsoft confirmed that the KINECT will not work with the XBOX One. You'll just have to wait to find out if it will work with the XBOX One.
And finally, the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act yesterday in a 5-4 split, proving that at least four people in America have never had a gay friend.
In a related story, Ms. Deen will soon announce a new partnership with Chick-Fil-A to sell her signature Buttered Bigot Burger.
Edward Snowden has disappeared from the Moscow airport, and no one can find him. He was last seen wearing blue jean, a red and white striped shirt and a stupid hat.
In Egypt, President Morsi delivered a speech, cautioning that civil unrest may "paralyze" the country. He went on to add "it's a real nice democracy you got there. Sure would be a shame if something... HAPPENED... to it."
Scientists discovered that the first horses lived around 4 million years ago, right about the time of the first TrapperKeeper.
In other animal news, scientists will begin retiring chimpanzees from medical testing. Great, so now there's even more competition on the job market.
Microsoft confirmed that the KINECT will not work with the XBOX One. You'll just have to wait to find out if it will work with the XBOX One.
And finally, the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act yesterday in a 5-4 split, proving that at least four people in America have never had a gay friend.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 1, 2011
Welcome to Wednesday, or as the Germans would say, "Das Wednesday." I just came from a show at an international youth hostel in New York. Turns out my set is just as funny to people who don't speak English. I'll let you decide if that's a good thing or not.
You know what is good? Gifts. Speaking of gifts, former decent person John Edwards faces charges of improperly using campaign funds to hush up his mistress/babymomma back in 2008. He's arguing that the money was a gift, and not a donation. That's about as believable as "don't worry, I'll pull out."
Speaking of pulling out, Donald Trump welcomed his female self to New York City yesterday. That's right, Sarah Palin paid the combover a visit, and they shared dinner together. It's like Sleepless in Seattle, but with a-holes.
Speaking of things that won't go away, horses in America are beset by an outbreak of Horse Herpes in the western U.S. Veterinarians have tracked the outback to a visit by Horse A-Rod to Horse Studio 54 earlier this year. Horse.
Yeah. That's science. Also science: a study released last month revealed that people with long commutes to work are more likely to get divorced. This is especially true for people who spend their commute banging other commuters on the subway. Ugh. That's about the least sexy sentence that's ever been on this blog.
Speaking of unsexy, the Subway restaurant chain issued a statement recently saying "We'll help avocado go mainstream." So, I guess now hipsters will have to start hating avocado, and talk about how much better they were when they were just some unknown indie fruit trees from Puebla, Mexico. It's basically the same thing that happened with Rilo Kiley.
In other entertainment news, FOX ordered a show that sounds suspiciously like an Antiques Roadshow knockoff. Only the FOX version will feature a British guy in a black tshirt saying your antiques "just don't want it enough."
Speaking of not wanting it enough, megachurcher and crystal meth aficionado Ted Haggard will be making a cameo appearance in an upcoming "Christian sex comedy." Now you might be wondering, "what's a Christian sex comedy?" Well, it's actually about abstinence. Which is an interesting interpretation of "sex." Can't wait to see how they interpret "comedy." I'm guessing there will be as much comedy as there is boning. Oh, but maybe Donald and Sarah could star in it!
And lastly, big legal trouble for a former television star Andy Dick. Mr. Dick is being sued for taking his little mr. dick out and walking through the audience at one of his shows. The most surprising thing? PEOPLE STILL ALLOW ANDY DICK ON STAGE?! Glad to see "sobriety" is working out for him.
Well that's it. Sorry for the downer ending. But what are you gonna do, right? Tomorrow is a brand new day, right? Be sure to tell your friends, and don't forget your sunblock! See you Thursday, everyone!
And have a great day.
You know what is good? Gifts. Speaking of gifts, former decent person John Edwards faces charges of improperly using campaign funds to hush up his mistress/babymomma back in 2008. He's arguing that the money was a gift, and not a donation. That's about as believable as "don't worry, I'll pull out."
Speaking of pulling out, Donald Trump welcomed his female self to New York City yesterday. That's right, Sarah Palin paid the combover a visit, and they shared dinner together. It's like Sleepless in Seattle, but with a-holes.
Speaking of things that won't go away, horses in America are beset by an outbreak of Horse Herpes in the western U.S. Veterinarians have tracked the outback to a visit by Horse A-Rod to Horse Studio 54 earlier this year. Horse.
Yeah. That's science. Also science: a study released last month revealed that people with long commutes to work are more likely to get divorced. This is especially true for people who spend their commute banging other commuters on the subway. Ugh. That's about the least sexy sentence that's ever been on this blog.
Speaking of unsexy, the Subway restaurant chain issued a statement recently saying "We'll help avocado go mainstream." So, I guess now hipsters will have to start hating avocado, and talk about how much better they were when they were just some unknown indie fruit trees from Puebla, Mexico. It's basically the same thing that happened with Rilo Kiley.
In other entertainment news, FOX ordered a show that sounds suspiciously like an Antiques Roadshow knockoff. Only the FOX version will feature a British guy in a black tshirt saying your antiques "just don't want it enough."
Speaking of not wanting it enough, megachurcher and crystal meth aficionado Ted Haggard will be making a cameo appearance in an upcoming "Christian sex comedy." Now you might be wondering, "what's a Christian sex comedy?" Well, it's actually about abstinence. Which is an interesting interpretation of "sex." Can't wait to see how they interpret "comedy." I'm guessing there will be as much comedy as there is boning. Oh, but maybe Donald and Sarah could star in it!
And lastly, big legal trouble for a former television star Andy Dick. Mr. Dick is being sued for taking his little mr. dick out and walking through the audience at one of his shows. The most surprising thing? PEOPLE STILL ALLOW ANDY DICK ON STAGE?! Glad to see "sobriety" is working out for him.
Well that's it. Sorry for the downer ending. But what are you gonna do, right? Tomorrow is a brand new day, right? Be sure to tell your friends, and don't forget your sunblock! See you Thursday, everyone!
And have a great day.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 26, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
In Mumbai, the offices of two Bollywood starlets were raided by income tax enforcement agents. Witnesses described the raid as having a great beat, catchy vocals and amazing choreography.
In Mumbai, the offices of two Bollywood starlets were raided by income tax enforcement agents. Witnesses described the raid as having a great beat, catchy vocals and amazing choreography.
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