Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 20, 2012

Good Tuesday to you! Has your bracket exploded yet? What about some other sporty terms? Yeah, you know it! Okay, how about a joke or eight?

In election news, Mitt Romney won the Puerto Rico primary, despite pandering awkwardly to the electorate by saying that he loves reggaeton and not being able to vote in presidential elections.

Business news! UPS just bought rival TNT Express for $6.77 billion. Just to be clear, TNT Express is a European delivery service, whereas TNT Network is a Law and Order delivery service.

Monologist Mike Daisey got a standing ovation at his final performance of The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs. At least, that's what he said.

A British medical study found that spaceflight may cause brain and eye damage. Guess it's a good thing we never went to space, right? Also the world is flat.

Comedian Gallagher suffered a heart attack last week, but is reportedly doing much better. Doctors said he came out of his medically induced coma and began immediately telling jokes. We applaud the doctors for resisting the urge to put him back under.

The judge in the Desperate Housewives trial declared a mistrial yesterday, because nothing associated with Desperate Housewives has a reasonable, satisfying conclusion.

The Somali National Theatre reopened this week after being closed for two decades due to the Somali civil war. They would have reopened sooner, actually, but their first production was directed by Julie Taymor.

And finally, the owners of the New York Mets have reached an agreement to repay over $162 million to investors who were duped in the Bernie Madoff scandal. No word yet on reparations for those who were duped into being Mets fans.

That's all! See you tomorrow!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 25, 2012

Better late than never? So sorry, but I fell asleep during the State of the Union last night. Had my own American dream. It's normal that I'm now concerned about all of our talking dog jobs being shipped overseas, right? And that those seas are full of sparkling fish-robots, right? That's normal? As per normal, here's some jokes.

Next year, Oscar voting will all be done online. Look for Ron Paul to be a big winner in several categories in 2013.

In Glenview, Illinois, a Lutheran pastor resigned yesterday over his use of "inappropriate language." I'm guessing it was Latin.

At auction, one of Liz Taylor's Dutch master sold for $2million! That must have been one unbelievable cigar.

In Oklahoma, singer Garth Brooks won back $1million he donated to a local hospital that failed to name its new building after his mother. In a related story, Chris Gaines can't afford health insurance.

In London, star of TV's Scrubs, Zach Braff, is making his big theatre debut in the west end. In a related story, the U.K. still considers Braff to be a celebrity. Suckers...

American public school lunches are set to get more vegetables and whole grains, much to the delight of kids who like throwing quality food at the foreign students.

In Los Angeles, the mayor finally signed into law a bill requiring porn actors to use condoms. It's expected that the industry will pull out of Los Angeles.

And finally, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are neck and neck in Florida. The race intensified this week, when Romney announced he was switching to "attack mode," although we need to keep in mind that he's still governed by Asimov's Laws. So, he's not that dangerous.

Anyway, that's all for now. I'll be back real soon. Promise!