Tuesday Morning Monologue: November 26, 2013

Astronomers said that if the comet designated ISON can survive a trip around the sun, it will put on a brilliant show for us here on Earth, unlike anything seen for a generation. NBC has already pledged to find a way to cancel it.

News out of Geneva today, the deal to limit a Iran's nuclear program fell apart after the Iranian delegation demanded the U.S. build a website to monitor the agreement.

Derek Rose is out for the season after a recent knee injury. He's looking forward to using his new found free time to try and sign up for Obamacare.

Kobe Bryant just signed a deal for $328 million. It was great news for the people who represent him in court.

Fans of Family Guy were outraged this weekend over the death of a beloved character on the show. But they're totally fine with setting the same three jokes over and over for 13 years.

At the Vatican, Vladimir Putin kissed an ancient icon of the Madonna. Unconfirmed reports indicate he may have gone for a standing double. And his shirt was off.

Completely insane weather hit the country just in time for people to have something to awkwardly talk about with their families at Thanksgiving.

A new report indicates that U.S. methane output is 50% higher than previously thought. "That's a bunch of bull shit," said skeptics and supporters.

Cheers!

Monday Morning Monologue - December 19, 2011

Happy Monday! Is anyone else having a wonderful winter? I'm thinking about getting some thermal longjohns. I think I should mention that I'm already engaged, so contain your fulminating desire that image conjures. Instead, think about these jokes. And how awesome a word "fulminating" is. Stick that in your "Words with Friends."

Unlikely serious presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said yesterday that as President he would arrest "activist judges" who he felt were out of line with mainstream America. This should serve as a warning not only to the judiciary, but also to any women who've dumped him in the past.

Following up on attacks from Romney, Bachmann and others, Gingrich said that his rivals' criticism of his record is "not based on facts," but instead based upon things Newt has said in the past. Not to be confused with facts.

NBC will be airing a special televised tribute to Betty White for her 90th birthday. Congratulations on lasting this long, NBC! Now cancel Whitney.

A New Jersey cable repairman was surprised to discover a brown bear living in an elderly woman's basement last week. And that's what happens when you find a roommate through Craigslist.

Over 15,000 Czech citizens listed "Knights of the Jedi" as their religion on a recent census. Unsurprisingly, they all listed their sex as "no, not yet."

A popular Chinese actor was arrested last week after authorities discovered he was in fact a fugitive from justice who was wanted in an assault on a police officer. After his arrest, Ji Siguang told journalists his crime was perfect, except for the part where he pursued a career in television acting.

Facing criticism for secretly gathering data on its users, Sprint said this weekend that the Carrier IQ snooping software has been disabled on its smartphone devices. AT&T went a step further, and disabled all smartphone functionality for its users.

And lastly, Kobe Bryant's wife filed for divorce, and this time the NBA commissioner did not block the trade. It's worth noting that Bryant and his wife never signed a prenuptial agreement, so there's no salary cap for this free agent! I don't understand sports.

That's all for now! See you tomorrow, friends.