Bring on the Tuesday! Right, here we go.
On Sunday, tens of thousands of Ultra-Orthodox Jewish men gathered at Citi Field to protest the Internet. There would have been more, but no one could open the e-vite.
Mark Zuckerberg got married over the weekend. And on Monday morning, the value of his marriage dropped by 25%.
UK Prime Minister David Cameron said at this week' NATO summit that the UK will not desert the Afghan people after this war. And this time, they mean it.
Four tons of pot were found floating off the southern California coast this weekend. Great, so now we've got sharks with the munchies.
In his upcoming book, actor/director Billy Bob Thornton says our culture is crumbling. Prime evidence: he had sex with Angelina Jolie, and he's published a book.
A Boston University student was sentenced to pay $675,000 for illegally downloading 30 songs. To put that in Dharun Ravi terms, he would have to kill over 55 Tyler Clementis to get that same fine.
In Birmingham, UK, heavy metal superstars Black Sabbath are set to play a reunion gig as soon as they resolve a contract dispute with their original drummer. But rest assured, it's the most metal contract dispute in history. Pretty sure the contract is written in blood with lots of pentagrams.
And finally, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said recently that President Obama must "act like an adult" on the debt ceiling issue. Probably because Congress is already planning on acting like a bunch of babies.
And that's all! Until tomorrow, at least.
Showing posts with label afghanistan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label afghanistan. Show all posts
Monday, May 21, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 16, 2012
Find your inner happy place, and go there now. Wait, no, stick around and read these jokes. Then tell your friends!
Former Newscorp executive Rebekah Brooks was indicted this week on charges related to her role in the News of the World phone hacking scandal. She stands accused of "perverting the course of justice," which means prosecutors have been reading her old paper.
In America, President Obama went on The View yesterday, and said that his wife Michelle was "relentless." Good, so maybe she can get us single payer healthcare.
In military news, Gen. John Allen, the top officer in Afghanistan, is leaving his post and returning home. At least someone gets to.
Sir Paul McCartney saved a drowning man, although witnesses to the feat said he was much better at saving people with John Lennon.
One half of all Americans think Facebook is a fad, according to a study from the last guy on Friendster.
JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon survived a shareholder attempt to strip him of his position, less than one week after he was found to have lost $2 billion of the company's money. Said Dimon, "I'M INVINCIBLE! BRING ON THE MORTGAGE-BACKED SECURITIES! I CAN'T LOSE!" And everything was fine.
Accused steroid-pusher Brian McNamee said that he saved steroid waste from injections he gave to Roger Clemens because his wife told him to. So now he's gonna have to hear about that for the rest of his life.
And finally, a man shopping in the garden section of an American Wal-Mart was bit by a rattlesnake. The surprised man survived, saying "I had no idea they even made rattlesnakes in China."
Okay, that's that. See you tomorrow!
Former Newscorp executive Rebekah Brooks was indicted this week on charges related to her role in the News of the World phone hacking scandal. She stands accused of "perverting the course of justice," which means prosecutors have been reading her old paper.
In America, President Obama went on The View yesterday, and said that his wife Michelle was "relentless." Good, so maybe she can get us single payer healthcare.
In military news, Gen. John Allen, the top officer in Afghanistan, is leaving his post and returning home. At least someone gets to.
Sir Paul McCartney saved a drowning man, although witnesses to the feat said he was much better at saving people with John Lennon.
One half of all Americans think Facebook is a fad, according to a study from the last guy on Friendster.
JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon survived a shareholder attempt to strip him of his position, less than one week after he was found to have lost $2 billion of the company's money. Said Dimon, "I'M INVINCIBLE! BRING ON THE MORTGAGE-BACKED SECURITIES! I CAN'T LOSE!" And everything was fine.
Accused steroid-pusher Brian McNamee said that he saved steroid waste from injections he gave to Roger Clemens because his wife told him to. So now he's gonna have to hear about that for the rest of his life.
And finally, a man shopping in the garden section of an American Wal-Mart was bit by a rattlesnake. The surprised man survived, saying "I had no idea they even made rattlesnakes in China."
Okay, that's that. See you tomorrow!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - April 25, 2011
Okay, Monday. I don't like you, and you don't like me. So let's get this over with and go our separate ways. I wonder how many blind dates this week will at some point include that sentiment.
In Washington State, high school janitor Tyrone Curry donated $40,000 to the school to complete a new race track for the students. In his honor, the cafeteria will now serve Tyrone Curry Chicken every Tuesday. In a related story, Mr. Curry will now be teaching Economics at the school, or as it will be known in the classes, "Tyron-omics."
In his Easter sermon this weekend, Pope Benedict turned the power of the Papacy to events in Africa, and urged for diplomacy in Libya to end the violence. This is great news, as things have always improved for Africans once Europeans decide to get involved their lives. Oh, and how's that whole AIDS vs. Condoms thing working out?
A new museum, called MoMath, is being planned for New York. The goal of the organization is to encourage math appreciation among visitors. A spokesman for the organization said "hey, you guys! Let me out of this locker! And gimme back my underpants! Come on!"
In Afghanistan, local authorities are stepping up efforts to curtail the illegal trade in stolen and fake police uniforms. At least, they said they were local authorities...
In politics, GOP Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum said this weekend that he still regrets voting for the extension of Medicare Part D benefits, as that vote makes it harder for voters to take him seriously when talking about reducing the deficit. Also making it harder for voters to take him seriously: Google.
Elsewhere in politics, Sen. James Coburn (R-OK) said that he was in favor increasing government fundraising through the closing of existing tax loopholes. The Senator assured his supporters, however, that "despite supporting this clearly logical position, I am still as batshit crazy as ever."
In entertainment news, television personality and host of X Factor, Simon Cowell, responded this weekend to rumors that Paula Abdul would be a guest star on the program. He clarified by saying "Paula Abdul will not be a judge on X Factor. What I actually said was, all the X she's on will be a factor in Paula Abdul's judgment. She likes pills, people! Why are we not staging an intervention!"
And lastly, a small plane filled with cocaine crashed into a New Mexico lake this weekend. Local authorities became suspicious when they noticed that fish in the lake would not stop talking.
That's it. Take it for what it's worth. See you tomorrow, and hope you have a great day!
In Washington State, high school janitor Tyrone Curry donated $40,000 to the school to complete a new race track for the students. In his honor, the cafeteria will now serve Tyrone Curry Chicken every Tuesday. In a related story, Mr. Curry will now be teaching Economics at the school, or as it will be known in the classes, "Tyron-omics."
In his Easter sermon this weekend, Pope Benedict turned the power of the Papacy to events in Africa, and urged for diplomacy in Libya to end the violence. This is great news, as things have always improved for Africans once Europeans decide to get involved their lives. Oh, and how's that whole AIDS vs. Condoms thing working out?
A new museum, called MoMath, is being planned for New York. The goal of the organization is to encourage math appreciation among visitors. A spokesman for the organization said "hey, you guys! Let me out of this locker! And gimme back my underpants! Come on!"
In Afghanistan, local authorities are stepping up efforts to curtail the illegal trade in stolen and fake police uniforms. At least, they said they were local authorities...
In politics, GOP Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum said this weekend that he still regrets voting for the extension of Medicare Part D benefits, as that vote makes it harder for voters to take him seriously when talking about reducing the deficit. Also making it harder for voters to take him seriously: Google.
Elsewhere in politics, Sen. James Coburn (R-OK) said that he was in favor increasing government fundraising through the closing of existing tax loopholes. The Senator assured his supporters, however, that "despite supporting this clearly logical position, I am still as batshit crazy as ever."
In entertainment news, television personality and host of X Factor, Simon Cowell, responded this weekend to rumors that Paula Abdul would be a guest star on the program. He clarified by saying "Paula Abdul will not be a judge on X Factor. What I actually said was, all the X she's on will be a factor in Paula Abdul's judgment. She likes pills, people! Why are we not staging an intervention!"
And lastly, a small plane filled with cocaine crashed into a New Mexico lake this weekend. Local authorities became suspicious when they noticed that fish in the lake would not stop talking.
That's it. Take it for what it's worth. See you tomorrow, and hope you have a great day!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 23, 2011
Hey, it's Wednesday! Can you believe it? Yeah, it's actually pretty believable considering yesterday was Tuesday. Also believable: we've got some jokes! Let's read 'em!
In political news, Senator Harry Reid wants to ban brothels in his home state of Nevada. Pundits in the state are calling the move "unexpected," and "a major-league cock-block."
In Libya, Colonel Muammar Gaddafi said he will not step down from power and vowed to become a "martyr" for Libya. The statement was met with great support from the people of Libya. Well, at least the "martyr" part.
In legal news, musician and pugilist Chris Brown is asking for his restraining order to be relaxed, allowing him to get closer to ex-girlfriend Rihanna. When asked why, he responded, "oh, no reason in particular. I just don't like being told where I can and can't go, you know? It just makes me so angry! Oh, thinking about it makes me wanna choke someone! Wait, what were we talking about?"
In other Brown news, Senator Scott Brown claimed this week that Lindsay Lohan "can do better and be better," saying the troubled actress could still overcome personal adversity like he did. When asked if he thought she could someday become a senator, he said "oh, sure. Just not a very good one. Clearly."
In non-royal wedding news, Ziona Chana, the 66-year-old leader of an obscure Indian religious sect, has married his 39th wife. When asked why, he explained "there's no religious reason for it, I'm just a huge cock-blocker. NOBODY GETS ANY BUT ME! HA HA HA HA HA!"
Speaking of jerks, professional villain Jesse James is writing a memoir, presumably because he has so much to say. The book will include a foreword from a large piece of human excrement, which will likely be the most thoughtful and well-written part of the entire book.
In Afghanistan, local police forces have started hiring criminals, in one of the clearest possible signals that they've just given up on law enforcement. Either that, or someone in HR started watching The Mod Squad.
Lastly, a new Facebook app allows users to track the relationship status of people they are interested in dating, which will make the whole "stalking" process a lot more efficient. A companion app, however, is in the works which would send reminders to you when your stalker's restraining order is about to expire. Chris Brown called it "a total cock-block."
That's it for today, everyone. I hope you've enjoyed the diversion! If so, tell your friends! Tell them in person or tell them electronically (see below). As always, I cherish your feedback, so sound off if you have anything to say. Remember, it's the Internet, so everyone's voice is valid and important.
See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 18, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
Swiss banking giant UBS AG announced it is revising its amazingly detailed employee dress and conduct code after a copy was circulated on the Internet. The 44-page document outlined proper underwear colors, acceptable hairstyles, gave tips on how to repair torn stockings and instructed employees to avoid garlic and onions. Glad to see they've been concentrating on the important stuff. Can't imagine how that whole "global banking meltdown" thing happened.
Swiss banking giant UBS AG announced it is revising its amazingly detailed employee dress and conduct code after a copy was circulated on the Internet. The 44-page document outlined proper underwear colors, acceptable hairstyles, gave tips on how to repair torn stockings and instructed employees to avoid garlic and onions. Glad to see they've been concentrating on the important stuff. Can't imagine how that whole "global banking meltdown" thing happened.
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