Tensions are running high in Gibraltar after recent disputes about artificial reefs and queuing time at the border with Spain. A team from the European Union has been dispatched with instructions to be on the lookout for anyone who actually gives a shit.
Switzerland stopped a sale of ski lifts to North Korea yesterday. So there goes Pyongyang's plan to build the world's most repressive ski resort.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie just signed a law banning doctors from using therapies designed to convert gay people to straight. But he really just banned it because it would have been paid for by Obamacare.
In Ohio, a man purchased a gun safe on the Internet, and when it was delivered he found 285 pounds of marijuana stashed inside. And we only know about this story because that man is the least cool person on the planet.
The CIA recently released documents indicating the agency was responsible for the 1953 Iranian coup, which proves that one point in time the CIA was, in fact, responsible for something.
In England and Wales, the age limit for jurors was just raised to 75. So, look for a lot more convictions for whippersnappering and general lawn-harassment.
Actor Dick Van Dyke was uninjured after his car caught fire in Los Angeles. Angela Lansbury is already investigating.
And finally, there is a push underway in Seattle to get the minimum wage raised to $15, or as it is known in Seattle "One Latte."
That's it.
Showing posts with label cia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cia. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 30, 2013
The Greek government said yesterday it is committed to cutting the "bloated" public sector workforce, which is bad news for fat guys working government jobs in Greece.
Michael Jordan got married over the weekend. When asked if this would be his last time, the former NBA champ said "bet on it." Then quickly added "and when you do, can you put me down for twenty grand on the Nets?"
He likes to bet.
Former Afghan President Hamid Karzai confirmed that the CIA used to deliver bags of cash to his office, but reassured his supporters that it was "not nearly enough for any serious graft or corruption."
Engineers building better rescue technologies have paired a rescue dog with a robotic snake to search buildings. Pixar has been working on a film version since 2009.
The European Space Agency announced that it's orbiting telescope "Herschel" is out of commission, after it used up the last of its cooling fluid recently. I would have thought that anything named "Herschel" would just be naturally cool.
The Department of Defense sent additional medical personnel to Guantanamo Bay to assist with the growing hunger strike crisis. Yep, sending more people there seems to be the only tool in our belt on this.
Queen Beatrix of Holland abdicated the throne yesterday. She thanked the Dutch people for their support, and announced she would be pursuing her first love: cage fighting. She's already challenged Pope Benedict to a ladder fight.
And finally, prison officials in the UK announced that prisoners will have to "work much harder" for the privilege of having a television their cells. For instance, they've been ordered to stop stealing television sets.
And that's it!
Later, gater. In a while, crocodile.
Michael Jordan got married over the weekend. When asked if this would be his last time, the former NBA champ said "bet on it." Then quickly added "and when you do, can you put me down for twenty grand on the Nets?"
He likes to bet.
Former Afghan President Hamid Karzai confirmed that the CIA used to deliver bags of cash to his office, but reassured his supporters that it was "not nearly enough for any serious graft or corruption."
Engineers building better rescue technologies have paired a rescue dog with a robotic snake to search buildings. Pixar has been working on a film version since 2009.
The European Space Agency announced that it's orbiting telescope "Herschel" is out of commission, after it used up the last of its cooling fluid recently. I would have thought that anything named "Herschel" would just be naturally cool.
The Department of Defense sent additional medical personnel to Guantanamo Bay to assist with the growing hunger strike crisis. Yep, sending more people there seems to be the only tool in our belt on this.
Queen Beatrix of Holland abdicated the throne yesterday. She thanked the Dutch people for their support, and announced she would be pursuing her first love: cage fighting. She's already challenged Pope Benedict to a ladder fight.
And finally, prison officials in the UK announced that prisoners will have to "work much harder" for the privilege of having a television their cells. For instance, they've been ordered to stop stealing television sets.
And that's it!
Later, gater. In a while, crocodile.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - April 1, 2013
Hey, happy Monday! And happy April Fool's Day. Here's some jokes to get you through it.
Mega-retailer Wal-Mart is looking at ways to stay competitive with their online store, and is now considering crowd-sourcing their deliveries to Wal-Mart customers that are already shopping in the stores. This is real. You buy something online, they hand it over to someone who just bought something at the store, and that person drives it out to you. It's part of their new "Please Don't Steal This Thing We Just Gave You" initiative. Also, it's going to save them millions of dollars in employee benefits. Or, it would if they paid any.
A recent study found that online dating has become increasingly popular among people with sexually transmitted infections. Industry analysts are surprised at how quickly it's spreading.
The Rolling Stones are headlining this year's Glastonbury music festival, which means the festival will have to be over by 7pm.
The retiring founder of BlackBerry maker RIM said he has no plans to sell his stake in the company. He does, however, plan to buy an iPhone.
Julia Pierson was named the new head of the U.S. Secret Service. Great start, Ms. Pierson. It's the "secret" service.
That joke sucked.
Boston Mayor Thomas Menino said he will not seek re-election on account of "bein' wicked pissed and tired."
Three men were arrested for smoking pot in a State Trooper's parking lot in Totowa, New Jersey. Trooper's credit the bust to their new policy of not putting up State Trooper signs in their parking lot.
And finally, the Department of Justice is considering a woman to be the new director of the FBI. The CIA, on the other hand, will now be led by a heavily-armed predator drone.
That's it!
Mega-retailer Wal-Mart is looking at ways to stay competitive with their online store, and is now considering crowd-sourcing their deliveries to Wal-Mart customers that are already shopping in the stores. This is real. You buy something online, they hand it over to someone who just bought something at the store, and that person drives it out to you. It's part of their new "Please Don't Steal This Thing We Just Gave You" initiative. Also, it's going to save them millions of dollars in employee benefits. Or, it would if they paid any.
A recent study found that online dating has become increasingly popular among people with sexually transmitted infections. Industry analysts are surprised at how quickly it's spreading.
The Rolling Stones are headlining this year's Glastonbury music festival, which means the festival will have to be over by 7pm.
The retiring founder of BlackBerry maker RIM said he has no plans to sell his stake in the company. He does, however, plan to buy an iPhone.
Julia Pierson was named the new head of the U.S. Secret Service. Great start, Ms. Pierson. It's the "secret" service.
That joke sucked.
Boston Mayor Thomas Menino said he will not seek re-election on account of "bein' wicked pissed and tired."
Three men were arrested for smoking pot in a State Trooper's parking lot in Totowa, New Jersey. Trooper's credit the bust to their new policy of not putting up State Trooper signs in their parking lot.
And finally, the Department of Justice is considering a woman to be the new director of the FBI. The CIA, on the other hand, will now be led by a heavily-armed predator drone.
That's it!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - November 10, 2011
This is your Thursday. MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or not, actually. I really enjoy hearing you all scream at your computers, but I need to get some sleep. So while I do that, enjoy these jokes. Handcrafted with choice barley and hops:
In philathropy news, Justin Bieber will be giving up his snake to a stranger as part of a charity auction, which sounds like the basis for another paternity suit.
Snooki said this week that the Jersey Shore is better than Italy. And Italy breathed a sigh of relief.
Eddie Murphy quit the Oscars, following the exit of producer Brett Ratner from the ceremony on Tuesday. Murphy said he won't work with anyone else, which explains why he doesn't make good movies any more.
President Obama, in a money-saving measure, ordered government agencies to cut back on branded trinkets, meaning that now you'll no longer be able to get the "I Was Illegally Tortured at a CIA Black Site Prison and All I Got was this Lousy Shirt" shirts. Tough break.
Morgan Freeman earned the Cecile B. DeMille lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes, and he can't wait to celebrate with some extra-marital sex. Go get 'em, Morgan!
International soccer authority Fifa will allow UK teams to adorn their uniforms with poppies this week in honor of the WWI armistice. German teams will be allowed to mark the occasion with crippling reparations and disarmament.
Authorities responded to a three-alarm fire at Skywalker Ranch yesterday. It was actually only a one alarm fire, but Lucas went back afterward and added in two additional alarms, and Boba Fett. Sadly, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were lost in the blaze.
And lastly, at Wednesday's GOP debate, Governor Rick Perry said... wait, what was I going to write? Oh, this is embarrassing.
And that's the end. Come back for Spencer tomorrow, and I'll see you on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
In philathropy news, Justin Bieber will be giving up his snake to a stranger as part of a charity auction, which sounds like the basis for another paternity suit.
Snooki said this week that the Jersey Shore is better than Italy. And Italy breathed a sigh of relief.
Eddie Murphy quit the Oscars, following the exit of producer Brett Ratner from the ceremony on Tuesday. Murphy said he won't work with anyone else, which explains why he doesn't make good movies any more.
President Obama, in a money-saving measure, ordered government agencies to cut back on branded trinkets, meaning that now you'll no longer be able to get the "I Was Illegally Tortured at a CIA Black Site Prison and All I Got was this Lousy Shirt" shirts. Tough break.
Morgan Freeman earned the Cecile B. DeMille lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes, and he can't wait to celebrate with some extra-marital sex. Go get 'em, Morgan!
International soccer authority Fifa will allow UK teams to adorn their uniforms with poppies this week in honor of the WWI armistice. German teams will be allowed to mark the occasion with crippling reparations and disarmament.
Authorities responded to a three-alarm fire at Skywalker Ranch yesterday. It was actually only a one alarm fire, but Lucas went back afterward and added in two additional alarms, and Boba Fett. Sadly, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were lost in the blaze.
And lastly, at Wednesday's GOP debate, Governor Rick Perry said... wait, what was I going to write? Oh, this is embarrassing.
And that's the end. Come back for Spencer tomorrow, and I'll see you on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - November 7, 2011
Good morning! How's your coffee? Or whatever beverage you have. That was presumptuous of me. It might be orange juice. Or maybe you can't make up your mind, and just pour your orange juice right into the coffee pot. I've had worse. Seriously, splash a little soy milk in there... and I've said too much. Starbucks has spies everywhere! And we've got jokes right here. Enjoy them with the beverage(s) of your choice.
Last week, shares of the daily deal company Goupon were heavily traded, largely because of the two-for-one deal they sent out on Friday morning.
In more Internet "news," the CIA revealed it has agents tracking up to 5 million suspicious tweets per day. They don't participate in "Follow Fridays," but they're pretty big on "Rendition Mondays."
Singer and Canadian phenom Justin Bieber denied a recent claim that he fathered a child out of wedlock. It's ridiculous, because everyone knows Bieber only does anal.
Speaking of buttholes, author Salman Rushdie tweeted a limerick last week mocking Kim Kardashian's divorce, leading many to wonder when Salman Rushdie started working for Perez Hilton? Come to think of it, have they ever been photographed together? I'm going to go ahead and say it now: Salman Rushdie and Perez Hilton are the same person.
Fact: the Kardashian-Humphries marriage lasted only ten weeks, disappointing friends, family and fans of the young couple. On the other hand, if NBC's Whitney were to end after only ten weeks, no one would be upset. At all.
Singer-songwriter Sinead O'Connor offered some showbiz advice to her daughter in a recent interview. She said, above all, stay true to yourself, believe in your talent, and try not to tear up pictures of the Pope. Apparently that really pisses people off.
In business news, Russian and Chinese companies were found to be the most likely to pay bribes when doing business in other countries, according to a report issued last week by the Vaguely Racist Institute.
And finally, Herman Cain said this weekend that he was putting the drama of last week behind him, and is now 100% back on message. And that message is "come over here and sit on my lap."
How about that? Good enough for a Monday? Damn well better be. Just wait until you see what Tuesday is gonna be like! Till then, have a great day!
Last week, shares of the daily deal company Goupon were heavily traded, largely because of the two-for-one deal they sent out on Friday morning.
In more Internet "news," the CIA revealed it has agents tracking up to 5 million suspicious tweets per day. They don't participate in "Follow Fridays," but they're pretty big on "Rendition Mondays."
Singer and Canadian phenom Justin Bieber denied a recent claim that he fathered a child out of wedlock. It's ridiculous, because everyone knows Bieber only does anal.
Speaking of buttholes, author Salman Rushdie tweeted a limerick last week mocking Kim Kardashian's divorce, leading many to wonder when Salman Rushdie started working for Perez Hilton? Come to think of it, have they ever been photographed together? I'm going to go ahead and say it now: Salman Rushdie and Perez Hilton are the same person.
Fact: the Kardashian-Humphries marriage lasted only ten weeks, disappointing friends, family and fans of the young couple. On the other hand, if NBC's Whitney were to end after only ten weeks, no one would be upset. At all.
Singer-songwriter Sinead O'Connor offered some showbiz advice to her daughter in a recent interview. She said, above all, stay true to yourself, believe in your talent, and try not to tear up pictures of the Pope. Apparently that really pisses people off.
In business news, Russian and Chinese companies were found to be the most likely to pay bribes when doing business in other countries, according to a report issued last week by the Vaguely Racist Institute.
And finally, Herman Cain said this weekend that he was putting the drama of last week behind him, and is now 100% back on message. And that message is "come over here and sit on my lap."
How about that? Good enough for a Monday? Damn well better be. Just wait until you see what Tuesday is gonna be like! Till then, have a great day!
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