Sean Penn just sued Lee Daniels for implying that he is a spousal abuser, and Penn is reportedly furious. It's lucky for Daniels that he isn't a photographer.
That joke was for the old people.
Instagram now has over 400 million users and 40 billion photographs, and the company claims that only 35 billion of those photos are from brunch last week.
Speaking of pointless Internet photos, there is no truth to the rumor that more people die taking selfies than from shark attacks each year. Unless you count the people who die on the inside each time the camera steals part of their souls.
Los Angeles is pledging a $100 million increase in programs to help the city's homeless. It's a big departure from their previous plan: do nothing and wait for the homeless to leave once the city becomes completely uninhabitable, like Phoenix.
Also in LA, a 78-year-old man at Costco was punched in the face and hospitalized after confronting another shopper about taking all the Nutella waffle samples. Luckily this didn't occur over by the hunting knife samples.
There's no such thing as that, don't worry.
Leonardo DiCaprio announced that he will be selling off all his fossil fuel stocks investments, then encouraged others to follow his example. How about we follow your example and have some stocks and investments in the first place?
Congress is threatening to shut down the government again over funding for Planned Parenthood, though most observers suspect that Congress will terminate the effort before the end of the term.
And finally, Pope Francis has arrived in the U.S. for an official visit. Pollsters already have him in a dead heat with Hillary Clinton.
Good morning!
Showing posts with label los angeles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label los angeles. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - September 10, 2012
Hey, sorry. Stepped outside to take the trash out, and wouldn't you know I left my keys inside. I've been locked out all week. Did anything happen? Oh, man. Okay, let's get back to this.
Clint Eastwood tried to explain his bizarre speech at the Republican National Convention by saying that talking to an empty chair was no different than his experience acting alongside Justin Timberlake.
Over the weekend, a tornado touched down in Brooklyn and Queens, New York, because Manhattan is too crowded and expensive.
Steven Tyler was spotted on a nude beach in Maui, or else someone captured an old dried up jellyfish and shoved it on the end of a broomstick.
Rev. Jesse Jackson said that his son, recuperating from psychiatric treatment, shouldn't rush back to Congress. Instead, Rev. Jackson suggested his son do something more useful with his time. Like Sudoku.
Zoologists in San Diego were able to determine the gender of panda cub this week. They asked the panda how it was feeling, and after half an hour... wonk, wonk, wonk. Ladies like to talk about their feelings!
The Syrian government criticized France's decision to support Syrian rebels, saying that France was undermining the U.N. envoy, which is ridiculous because the envoy is already useless.
Tennessee and AT&T are teaming up for testing a 911 text service, so you can send for help and cause a car accident at the same time.
And finally, a Los Angeles court ruled that the city cannot confiscate and destroy homeless people's belongings without just cause. The city vowed to appeal the decision in the case of "City of Los Angeles v. Human Decency."
That's all for now. But I bet more stuff will need to be made fun of tomorrow.
Clint Eastwood tried to explain his bizarre speech at the Republican National Convention by saying that talking to an empty chair was no different than his experience acting alongside Justin Timberlake.
Over the weekend, a tornado touched down in Brooklyn and Queens, New York, because Manhattan is too crowded and expensive.
Steven Tyler was spotted on a nude beach in Maui, or else someone captured an old dried up jellyfish and shoved it on the end of a broomstick.
Rev. Jesse Jackson said that his son, recuperating from psychiatric treatment, shouldn't rush back to Congress. Instead, Rev. Jackson suggested his son do something more useful with his time. Like Sudoku.
Zoologists in San Diego were able to determine the gender of panda cub this week. They asked the panda how it was feeling, and after half an hour... wonk, wonk, wonk. Ladies like to talk about their feelings!
The Syrian government criticized France's decision to support Syrian rebels, saying that France was undermining the U.N. envoy, which is ridiculous because the envoy is already useless.
Tennessee and AT&T are teaming up for testing a 911 text service, so you can send for help and cause a car accident at the same time.
And finally, a Los Angeles court ruled that the city cannot confiscate and destroy homeless people's belongings without just cause. The city vowed to appeal the decision in the case of "City of Los Angeles v. Human Decency."
That's all for now. But I bet more stuff will need to be made fun of tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 30, 2012
Hey! Did you break out your white pants yesterday? It's officially allowed now, whereas before Memorial Day the Fashion Police would have shot you on site. Tough but fair. These jokes are also tough but fair. Wait, they're neither of those things. Still, you might as well read them since you already read all this nonsense.
The jury in John Edwards' trial will be deliberating for a seventh day before deciding his fate, which is seven days longer than it took Edwards to come to his decision.
Hackers from the U.S. State Department broke into Yemeni al-Qaeda websites and changed the content recently, trying to shame the terror group for attacking civilians.They also embedded a youtube clip of Rebecca Black's "Friday."
In Olympic News, Tokyo is in the running for the 2020 Summer games. "It is a great pleasure and true honor that Tokyo has been accepted as a candidate city," Tokyo governor Shintaro Ishihara said before setting fire to a mountain of cash.
Comedian Eddie Izzard had to postpone his planned tribute to Nelson Mandela last week. His original goal of running 27 marathons in 27 consecutive days was disrupted by what he called "unforeseen medical complications," or as one doctor put it: "the most foreseeable medical complications in the history of medicine."
Los Angeles bans plastic shopping bags, still okay with plastic funbags.
John Mayer said he once sang a page from 50 Shades of Grey to try and woo a woman. It might have worked, too, had he not been John Mayer at the time.
Next season, the NFL is making knee and thigh-pads mandatory for players. It may impede the players ability to see, however, since I'm assuming they'll be wrapping them around their skulls to prevent Traumatic Brain Injury.
And finally, two homosexual characters from the popular comic X-Men will be getting married. It's a great day for the rights of fictional characters everywhere. Oh, and the comic will not be on sale in North Carolina.
With that, I bid you good night. Or whatever. See you tomorrow! Through your computer's webcam! Which I've been secretly controlling!
The jury in John Edwards' trial will be deliberating for a seventh day before deciding his fate, which is seven days longer than it took Edwards to come to his decision.
Hackers from the U.S. State Department broke into Yemeni al-Qaeda websites and changed the content recently, trying to shame the terror group for attacking civilians.They also embedded a youtube clip of Rebecca Black's "Friday."
In Olympic News, Tokyo is in the running for the 2020 Summer games. "It is a great pleasure and true honor that Tokyo has been accepted as a candidate city," Tokyo governor Shintaro Ishihara said before setting fire to a mountain of cash.
Comedian Eddie Izzard had to postpone his planned tribute to Nelson Mandela last week. His original goal of running 27 marathons in 27 consecutive days was disrupted by what he called "unforeseen medical complications," or as one doctor put it: "the most foreseeable medical complications in the history of medicine."
Los Angeles bans plastic shopping bags, still okay with plastic funbags.
John Mayer said he once sang a page from 50 Shades of Grey to try and woo a woman. It might have worked, too, had he not been John Mayer at the time.
Next season, the NFL is making knee and thigh-pads mandatory for players. It may impede the players ability to see, however, since I'm assuming they'll be wrapping them around their skulls to prevent Traumatic Brain Injury.
And finally, two homosexual characters from the popular comic X-Men will be getting married. It's a great day for the rights of fictional characters everywhere. Oh, and the comic will not be on sale in North Carolina.
With that, I bid you good night. Or whatever. See you tomorrow! Through your computer's webcam! Which I've been secretly controlling!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 25, 2012
Better late than never? So sorry, but I fell asleep during the State of the Union last night. Had my own American dream. It's normal that I'm now concerned about all of our talking dog jobs being shipped overseas, right? And that those seas are full of sparkling fish-robots, right? That's normal? As per normal, here's some jokes.
Next year, Oscar voting will all be done online. Look for Ron Paul to be a big winner in several categories in 2013.
In Glenview, Illinois, a Lutheran pastor resigned yesterday over his use of "inappropriate language." I'm guessing it was Latin.
At auction, one of Liz Taylor's Dutch master sold for $2million! That must have been one unbelievable cigar.
In Oklahoma, singer Garth Brooks won back $1million he donated to a local hospital that failed to name its new building after his mother. In a related story, Chris Gaines can't afford health insurance.
In London, star of TV's Scrubs, Zach Braff, is making his big theatre debut in the west end. In a related story, the U.K. still considers Braff to be a celebrity. Suckers...
American public school lunches are set to get more vegetables and whole grains, much to the delight of kids who like throwing quality food at the foreign students.
In Los Angeles, the mayor finally signed into law a bill requiring porn actors to use condoms. It's expected that the industry will pull out of Los Angeles.
And finally, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are neck and neck in Florida. The race intensified this week, when Romney announced he was switching to "attack mode," although we need to keep in mind that he's still governed by Asimov's Laws. So, he's not that dangerous.
Anyway, that's all for now. I'll be back real soon. Promise!
Next year, Oscar voting will all be done online. Look for Ron Paul to be a big winner in several categories in 2013.
In Glenview, Illinois, a Lutheran pastor resigned yesterday over his use of "inappropriate language." I'm guessing it was Latin.
At auction, one of Liz Taylor's Dutch master sold for $2million! That must have been one unbelievable cigar.
In Oklahoma, singer Garth Brooks won back $1million he donated to a local hospital that failed to name its new building after his mother. In a related story, Chris Gaines can't afford health insurance.
In London, star of TV's Scrubs, Zach Braff, is making his big theatre debut in the west end. In a related story, the U.K. still considers Braff to be a celebrity. Suckers...
American public school lunches are set to get more vegetables and whole grains, much to the delight of kids who like throwing quality food at the foreign students.
In Los Angeles, the mayor finally signed into law a bill requiring porn actors to use condoms. It's expected that the industry will pull out of Los Angeles.
And finally, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are neck and neck in Florida. The race intensified this week, when Romney announced he was switching to "attack mode," although we need to keep in mind that he's still governed by Asimov's Laws. So, he's not that dangerous.
Anyway, that's all for now. I'll be back real soon. Promise!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 19, 2012
It's Thursday! Let's enjoy some jokes!
Punk rock icon Johnny Ramone's autobiography is coming out this year and will inspire years of shitty knock-off autobiographies.
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, facing a recall election this summer, said that the election is "all about union money." He then got back to work, giving a full body massage to the Koch brothers.
Goldman Sachs announced that their profits are down 58% from a year ago. In a related story, PEOPLE ARE STILL GIVING MONEY TO GOLDMAN SACHS!
A study of teenagers online found that more and more young people are sharing their online passwords as a sign of affection. Please, kids, be safe. Save your security questions for marriage. You can never get those back.
Speaking of staying safe, many in Los Angeles' porn industry may leave the city when new regulations go into effect requiring actors to wear condoms. And to Los Angeles, I say let them go. If the industry won't use condoms, it never loved you in the first place. In a related story, 18 year-old runaways hoping to make it in movies will now need to learn how to type.
Singer Sinead O'Connor is in treatment for depression, and we wish her the best of luck. One bit of advice to her doctors: don't let her listen to her albums. Any of them.
Newt Gingrich attacked President Obama as the "food stamp" President, saying "when I'm President, no one will be on food stamps!"
And finally, China will now require Internet users to verify their names before commenting on websites. The move is expected to cut down on government criticism as well as "general dickishness."
And that's all for me! Enjoy Spencer tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday! Till then, have a great weekend!
Punk rock icon Johnny Ramone's autobiography is coming out this year and will inspire years of shitty knock-off autobiographies.
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, facing a recall election this summer, said that the election is "all about union money." He then got back to work, giving a full body massage to the Koch brothers.
Goldman Sachs announced that their profits are down 58% from a year ago. In a related story, PEOPLE ARE STILL GIVING MONEY TO GOLDMAN SACHS!
A study of teenagers online found that more and more young people are sharing their online passwords as a sign of affection. Please, kids, be safe. Save your security questions for marriage. You can never get those back.
Speaking of staying safe, many in Los Angeles' porn industry may leave the city when new regulations go into effect requiring actors to wear condoms. And to Los Angeles, I say let them go. If the industry won't use condoms, it never loved you in the first place. In a related story, 18 year-old runaways hoping to make it in movies will now need to learn how to type.
Singer Sinead O'Connor is in treatment for depression, and we wish her the best of luck. One bit of advice to her doctors: don't let her listen to her albums. Any of them.
Newt Gingrich attacked President Obama as the "food stamp" President, saying "when I'm President, no one will be on food stamps!"
And finally, China will now require Internet users to verify their names before commenting on websites. The move is expected to cut down on government criticism as well as "general dickishness."
And that's all for me! Enjoy Spencer tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday! Till then, have a great weekend!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - December 29, 2011
Happy Thursday, y'all! This will be my last post of 2011, and I want to thank all 15 of you for reading this thing all year. I thought about just re-posting my favorite jokes, but that would mean re-reading all those posts, and who has time for that? So, here's my last eight jokes for the year.
The ghost of Christopher Hitchens briefly appeared last week to paranormal investigators before successfully arguing against its own existence and disappearing.
In North Korea, mourners crowded into the streets, wailing in grief as Kim Jong-il's body crossed the country. Apparently the mourners were so grief-stricken because they'd been told he was being buried with the last of their food.
According to an Associated Press survey of economists, most find President Obama's economic policies to be "fair to poor," not to be confused with being "fair to the poor."
This winter, gale force winds are battering Scotland, which is terrible news for the kilt industry. But great news for the chapped-ass moisturizer industry.
Los Angeles voters will be voting on an ordinance to force porn actors to wear condoms on set. Turnout is expected to be low, however, as no one really feels much on the issue.
According to Forbes, Plano, Texas, is the safest city in America largely because Plano is too boring for criminals.
Microsoft announced that its Windows Mobile operating system now has over 50,000 applications, although the number is actually much higher if you count viruses.
And finally, in a new ad, Newt Gingrich said that he has a plan to "create millions of jobs, right now." Yes, he's willing to buy that much new jewelry.
And that's the end of me for the year. Come back tomorrow for Spencer. Until next time, have a great 2011!
The ghost of Christopher Hitchens briefly appeared last week to paranormal investigators before successfully arguing against its own existence and disappearing.
In North Korea, mourners crowded into the streets, wailing in grief as Kim Jong-il's body crossed the country. Apparently the mourners were so grief-stricken because they'd been told he was being buried with the last of their food.
According to an Associated Press survey of economists, most find President Obama's economic policies to be "fair to poor," not to be confused with being "fair to the poor."
This winter, gale force winds are battering Scotland, which is terrible news for the kilt industry. But great news for the chapped-ass moisturizer industry.
Los Angeles voters will be voting on an ordinance to force porn actors to wear condoms on set. Turnout is expected to be low, however, as no one really feels much on the issue.
According to Forbes, Plano, Texas, is the safest city in America largely because Plano is too boring for criminals.
Microsoft announced that its Windows Mobile operating system now has over 50,000 applications, although the number is actually much higher if you count viruses.
And finally, in a new ad, Newt Gingrich said that he has a plan to "create millions of jobs, right now." Yes, he's willing to buy that much new jewelry.
And that's the end of me for the year. Come back tomorrow for Spencer. Until next time, have a great 2011!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - March 28, 2011
Okay, everybody, looks like we've got some jokes for you today. Hope that's why you came.
A Montana Radio Shack location is offering a free gun with the purchase and installation of Dish Network, which is great news for people who love watching television and shooting things.
Remember "Baby Jessica," the little girl who fell into a well and nearly died? Well, she just turned 25 and got access to a trust fund set up for her with donations collected when she was in the well. Looks like she fell ass-backwards into money. Good for her!
In the snack food world, the Frito-Lay company made news this week when they announced their "food" products would be going "all natural." Someone must have told them that salt and oil are "natural." You know what else is natural? Diabetes and heart disease, but no one ever goes bragging about it.
Staying with the world of food and drink, Starbucks is set to unveil a new line of coffee machines that brew a single cup of coffee at a time. It's part of their new product line for painfully alone coffee-lovers.
In Qatar, organizers for the 2022 World Cup announced they're planning to build artificial, remote controlled clouds to provide shade for the games. Also, they're building special watering stations to re-hydrate anyone who has become parched from spitting on poor people.
In Los Angeles, police have closed another 60 medical marijuana dispensaries, thus making the drug completely unavailable to people who want it. History will show that's how we won the war on drugs.
Clothier and soft-core pornography studio Abercrombie & Fitch is under fire for offering a new children's bikini top with padding for flat-chested girls. The company issued a statement saying "we stand behind our product, and we believe it's never too young to encourage women to hate their bodies."
Lastly, in more clothing news, director/actor/orator Sylvester Stallone is moving into the fashion world with a new line of clothes inspired by the films of Rocky and Rambo. They're just like any other clothes, except they're covered in blood. Look for them at K-Mart this summer!
That's all for now, hope your time with us has been hilarious and utterly unproductive. Tell your friends, share us via the magic buttons below, and come see us again. But most importantly, have a wonderful day!
A Montana Radio Shack location is offering a free gun with the purchase and installation of Dish Network, which is great news for people who love watching television and shooting things.
Remember "Baby Jessica," the little girl who fell into a well and nearly died? Well, she just turned 25 and got access to a trust fund set up for her with donations collected when she was in the well. Looks like she fell ass-backwards into money. Good for her!
In the snack food world, the Frito-Lay company made news this week when they announced their "food" products would be going "all natural." Someone must have told them that salt and oil are "natural." You know what else is natural? Diabetes and heart disease, but no one ever goes bragging about it.
Staying with the world of food and drink, Starbucks is set to unveil a new line of coffee machines that brew a single cup of coffee at a time. It's part of their new product line for painfully alone coffee-lovers.
In Qatar, organizers for the 2022 World Cup announced they're planning to build artificial, remote controlled clouds to provide shade for the games. Also, they're building special watering stations to re-hydrate anyone who has become parched from spitting on poor people.
In Los Angeles, police have closed another 60 medical marijuana dispensaries, thus making the drug completely unavailable to people who want it. History will show that's how we won the war on drugs.
Clothier and soft-core pornography studio Abercrombie & Fitch is under fire for offering a new children's bikini top with padding for flat-chested girls. The company issued a statement saying "we stand behind our product, and we believe it's never too young to encourage women to hate their bodies."
Lastly, in more clothing news, director/actor/orator Sylvester Stallone is moving into the fashion world with a new line of clothes inspired by the films of Rocky and Rambo. They're just like any other clothes, except they're covered in blood. Look for them at K-Mart this summer!
That's all for now, hope your time with us has been hilarious and utterly unproductive. Tell your friends, share us via the magic buttons below, and come see us again. But most importantly, have a wonderful day!
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