No time for joviality. We've got jokes to get through.
Hacker group LulzSec is back in action, announcing a recent attack on the armed forces dating website MilitarySingles.com, in a coordinated effort they've dubbed "Operation Cockblock."
Beef Products Inc. is reeling from outrage over their so-called "pink slime" beef additive. In response to the negative press, they'll be rebranding the filler as "Rosy Ooze." Which sounds like a roller derby player.
Octomother Nadya Suleman just posed for topless photos for the British magazine Closer in order to pay rent and feed her children. Does this sound to anyone else like a soft-core porn adaptation of Bleak House?
Khloe Kardashian quit PETA this week, after the organization offered to pay court costs for the woman who threw a flour-bomb at Kim Kardashian. Khloe had previously posed nude for their anti-fur campaign, at which point it somehow didn't occur to her that the organization was insane.
New research indicates that eating chocolate can help you slim down, says the sad woman at your office.
AT&T is rolling out a new loyalty program, offering special incentives for customers to stay with the mobile phone giant. They're offering increased tech support, waived fees, and discounts on some products. Decent service is still unavailable.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn was arrested in Paris this week on charges of pimping. In response to the pimping charges, the defiant Strauss-Kahn issued a statement through his lawyers that he would persevere through this newest trial. He went on to say that his eventual triumph would not be easy, but it is necessary. He then added, "bitch better have my money."
And finally, in related Dominique Strauss-Kahn news, the embattled lady-enthusiast was held in jail overnight before being released on bail. Hmm. One night without hookers. This does not bode well for the women of Paris.
Take heed, take cover, and take another little piece of my heart. See you tomorrow, friends.
Showing posts with label peta. Show all posts
Showing posts with label peta. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - November 17, 2011
Hi, everyone! Hope you're having a wonderful time of day. Or night. Oh, the beauty of asynchronous media! Well, whatever. I hope you didn't wait too long to read these jokes, because it's topical humor. Well, judge for yourself.
The young woman who filed a paternity suit against Justin Bieber has called off the suit before trial. So, she finally learned the importance of pulling out early.
In a statement released this week, PETA claimed that Super Mario, the popular video game character, is "pro-fur." However, in Mario's defense, it's important to remember that he isn't real.
Speaking of real, People magazine named Bradley Cooper this year's Sexiest Man Alive. Still waiting for them to name the Sexiest Dead Man, though.
Speaking of dead men, Ricky Gervais will host the Golden Globes award show again next year. Apparently the Golden Globes is run by amnesiacs.
This just in: Glendale, California, is banning fake grass. No word on fake breasts.
Speaking of breasts, television star Sofia Vergara revealed yesterday that her former publicist told her to get breast reduction surgery. It is worth noting that her publicist really liked having a challenge.
In order to keep its stock price afloat, LinkedIn will sell 8 million shares. And I'm sure we will each get a notification email for each share sold.
I get a lot of LinkedIn emails, people.
And finally, Congress' approval rating has sunk to 9%. The BP oil spill has an approval rating of 16%. If this keeps up much longer, Congress may have to run against Mitt Romney. That seems to raise everyone's approval among voters.
I kind of feel badly for Mitt Romney. Then I remember he made his money by selling American jobs overseas. So screw that guy.
And that's how I'll end my time this week. Spencer will bring you joy tomorrow,
The young woman who filed a paternity suit against Justin Bieber has called off the suit before trial. So, she finally learned the importance of pulling out early.
In a statement released this week, PETA claimed that Super Mario, the popular video game character, is "pro-fur." However, in Mario's defense, it's important to remember that he isn't real.
Speaking of real, People magazine named Bradley Cooper this year's Sexiest Man Alive. Still waiting for them to name the Sexiest Dead Man, though.
Speaking of dead men, Ricky Gervais will host the Golden Globes award show again next year. Apparently the Golden Globes is run by amnesiacs.
This just in: Glendale, California, is banning fake grass. No word on fake breasts.
Speaking of breasts, television star Sofia Vergara revealed yesterday that her former publicist told her to get breast reduction surgery. It is worth noting that her publicist really liked having a challenge.
In order to keep its stock price afloat, LinkedIn will sell 8 million shares. And I'm sure we will each get a notification email for each share sold.
I get a lot of LinkedIn emails, people.
And finally, Congress' approval rating has sunk to 9%. The BP oil spill has an approval rating of 16%. If this keeps up much longer, Congress may have to run against Mitt Romney. That seems to raise everyone's approval among voters.
I kind of feel badly for Mitt Romney. Then I remember he made his money by selling American jobs overseas. So screw that guy.
And that's how I'll end my time this week. Spencer will bring you joy tomorrow,
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - August 21, 2011
What is this, Monday? Ugh. Okay. I went shopping recently, but I'm not going to talk about the stuff I bought, because I think I've grown as person, and I understand the world doesn't need to know about my underwear. But if you want to know, just ask me. Otherwise, enjoy the jokes.
In South Dakota, some school districts are trying to save money by cutting school on Fridays. I had no idea I was such a thrifty high schooler.
Speaking of thrifty, plans are still in flux for this year's MDA Telethon. Rumors are circulating that Jerry Lewis will be stepping back into the hosting duties after saying he would step down. Lewis denied the rumors, saying "who do I look like, Jay Leno?"
In Spain, the Pope was forced to end a youth rally after a lightning storm broke out. When the Pope is running from lightning, what chance do the rest of us have?
Senator Charles Schumer introduced a plan recently to deactivate stolen cell phones with some kind of kill switch transmitted by the owner. Similar plans have been proposed for children.
In California, fifteen people were arrested as they tried to smuggle pills into Tijuana, Mexico. Along with the pills, authorities found a broken GPS system.
The animal rights group PETA announced they will be launching a porn site devoted to animal lovers. I really hope I misinterpreted that sentence.
In legal news, the ubiquitous Facebook "Like" button was declared illegal in Germany because of course it was.
And lastly, President Obama issued a statement demanding that Libyan tyrant Gadhafi step down. Jay Leno has offered to take over.
And that's it for Monday. Tomorrow, there will be more. Maybe a Kardashian joke or something.
Have a great day!
In South Dakota, some school districts are trying to save money by cutting school on Fridays. I had no idea I was such a thrifty high schooler.
Speaking of thrifty, plans are still in flux for this year's MDA Telethon. Rumors are circulating that Jerry Lewis will be stepping back into the hosting duties after saying he would step down. Lewis denied the rumors, saying "who do I look like, Jay Leno?"
In Spain, the Pope was forced to end a youth rally after a lightning storm broke out. When the Pope is running from lightning, what chance do the rest of us have?
Senator Charles Schumer introduced a plan recently to deactivate stolen cell phones with some kind of kill switch transmitted by the owner. Similar plans have been proposed for children.
In California, fifteen people were arrested as they tried to smuggle pills into Tijuana, Mexico. Along with the pills, authorities found a broken GPS system.
The animal rights group PETA announced they will be launching a porn site devoted to animal lovers. I really hope I misinterpreted that sentence.
In legal news, the ubiquitous Facebook "Like" button was declared illegal in Germany because of course it was.
And lastly, President Obama issued a statement demanding that Libyan tyrant Gadhafi step down. Jay Leno has offered to take over.
And that's it for Monday. Tomorrow, there will be more. Maybe a Kardashian joke or something.
Have a great day!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 31, 2011
Let's see what happened in the last 24 hours that we can make fun of.
The animal rights group PETA recently announced a contest to give away a free vasectomy to a human. Unfortunately, you can't nominate other people for the prize. You win this round, Larry King.
This year has so far seen a boom in the number of documentaries coming from the Peoples Republic of China. At least we think they're documentaries. It's hard to tell with all the audio bleeped out and black bars over every shot.
Unlikely celebrity Paris Hilton recently said in an interview "I'm no diva." That's true. Divas can sing.
In Las Vegas, hotel and casino promoters are embracing the city's mob roots with special attractions and theme restaurants recalling the fashion and spirit of the city's sordid past. Are you listening, Berlin?
Former Senator and human rights advocate Rick Santorum said that his daughter's health will be a large factor in his decision to whether to run for president. Another big factor? Try to Google him.
Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner said in an interview recently that he is unwilling to increase the amount of product placement in the popular cable series. Did he forget to mention it's about an advertising agency? One thing they're not selling: self-awareness.
In New Jersey, a woman is suing her plastic surgeon after her last surgery left her unable to close her eyes. What's even worse? She's still got crows' feet.
In Chicago a pool hall was cited for serving a beer to a 12 year old. Also, he ordered a draft and got a can. That's just wrong.
And that's just it for me this week! Spread the word, and come back for Friday's with Spencer and Earnest's Weekend Monologue on Sunday. Saturday you can sleep in.
Have a great day!
The animal rights group PETA recently announced a contest to give away a free vasectomy to a human. Unfortunately, you can't nominate other people for the prize. You win this round, Larry King.
This year has so far seen a boom in the number of documentaries coming from the Peoples Republic of China. At least we think they're documentaries. It's hard to tell with all the audio bleeped out and black bars over every shot.
Unlikely celebrity Paris Hilton recently said in an interview "I'm no diva." That's true. Divas can sing.
In Las Vegas, hotel and casino promoters are embracing the city's mob roots with special attractions and theme restaurants recalling the fashion and spirit of the city's sordid past. Are you listening, Berlin?
Former Senator and human rights advocate Rick Santorum said that his daughter's health will be a large factor in his decision to whether to run for president. Another big factor? Try to Google him.
Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner said in an interview recently that he is unwilling to increase the amount of product placement in the popular cable series. Did he forget to mention it's about an advertising agency? One thing they're not selling: self-awareness.
In New Jersey, a woman is suing her plastic surgeon after her last surgery left her unable to close her eyes. What's even worse? She's still got crows' feet.
In Chicago a pool hall was cited for serving a beer to a 12 year old. Also, he ordered a draft and got a can. That's just wrong.
And that's just it for me this week! Spread the word, and come back for Friday's with Spencer and Earnest's Weekend Monologue on Sunday. Saturday you can sleep in.
Have a great day!
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