Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 31, 2012

It's Tuesday, my friends. Assuming that it's Tuesday when you're reading this. Have you caught Olympic fever yet? I'm not sure that I'm allowed to say "Olympic," actually. Let's see if we get a cease and desist order from the IOC. That's about the only Olympic souvenir I can afford.

JOKES!

Speaking of the Olympics, did you see that McDonald's and Coca-Cola are sponsoring the Olympic games? In a related story, NASCAR is now sponsored by Broken Glass and Potholes.

Yesterday, U.S. Customs Agents searching Tokyo-bound luggage found several pounds of methamphetamine disguised as Snickers bars. As if those things aren't addictive enough on their own.

In an interview with ABC News, former Vice President Cheney said that even though he supports gay marriage, he didn't see a point in bringing it up in the 2000 election. You know, because of all the bigots who wouldn't vote for him. Wait, was there a punchline? Oh, I guess this is like a comedy of manners. And the joke is that Dick Cheney is a horrible, horrible person.

The White House issued a report this week claiming that Colombia is no longer the world's leading cocaine producer, falling behind Peru and Bolivia in recent years. So, for those of you keeping track at home, that's one more bronze medal for Colombia.

Conservative news site The Daily Caller was attacked by malware on Sunday, changing the website's banner ads to hardcore pornography. Editors apologized to any visitors to the website who may have inadvertently enjoyed themselves.

In India, a power outage in Northern India turned out the lights for over 300 million people, or as it is known in India, "a couple of neighborhoods."

In New Zealand, a 23-year-old man was treated for burns to his buttocks and genitals after attempting to launch fireworks from his own ass. Authorities believe alcohol may have been involved, as well as the young man's belief that he is in fact Wile E. Coyote.

And finally, a Japanese company announced it is now selling a 4.5 ton, armed and armored robot that can be remotely piloted with an iPhone. And you thought drunk texting was dangerous.

There you go. Till tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - July 30, 2012

Happy Monday! See, that was meant ironically. Like these jokes.

Customs agents in Norway found two ounces of marijuana in Snoop Dogg's luggage, leading Snoop Dogg to wonder "where did I leave the other six pounds of marijuana I brought with me?"

Japanese ukulele players set a new world record for the most ukulele's played together in concert at one time this weekend. Those in attendance set a new world record for tolerating ukulele music.

Former Vice President Dick "Tin Woodsman" Cheney said in a recent interview that putting Sarah Palin on the 2008 ticket was "a mistake." Congratulations, Sarah Palin! You are now officially more repellent to Dick Cheney than torture and Lynne Cheney's awful romance novel.

A new study on workplace behavior revealed that people who curse on the job are less likely to be promoted, which is some real bullshit.

And finally, some tips for watching the Olympics.

• If you've ever wanted to watch competitors poop, your best options are long distance running and the horse dressage events.
• Fencers are no longer required to softly whisper their true love's name and expire after losing a match.
• Pay special attention to the rowing events, as those skills will become increasingly important once the polar ice caps melt and we're all living in friggin' Waterworld.
• Try not to think about all the things you could have accomplished if only you were willing to put in the time and effort.

That's it! Later, gaters.