It's Tuesday, my friends. Assuming that it's Tuesday when you're reading this. Have you caught Olympic fever yet? I'm not sure that I'm allowed to say "Olympic," actually. Let's see if we get a cease and desist order from the IOC. That's about the only Olympic souvenir I can afford.
JOKES!
Speaking of the Olympics, did you see that McDonald's and Coca-Cola are sponsoring the Olympic games? In a related story, NASCAR is now sponsored by Broken Glass and Potholes.
Yesterday, U.S. Customs Agents searching Tokyo-bound luggage found several pounds of methamphetamine disguised as Snickers bars. As if those things aren't addictive enough on their own.
In an interview with ABC News, former Vice President Cheney said that even though he supports gay marriage, he didn't see a point in bringing it up in the 2000 election. You know, because of all the bigots who wouldn't vote for him. Wait, was there a punchline? Oh, I guess this is like a comedy of manners. And the joke is that Dick Cheney is a horrible, horrible person.
The White House issued a report this week claiming that Colombia is no longer the world's leading cocaine producer, falling behind Peru and Bolivia in recent years. So, for those of you keeping track at home, that's one more bronze medal for Colombia.
Conservative news site The Daily Caller was attacked by malware on Sunday, changing the website's banner ads to hardcore pornography. Editors apologized to any visitors to the website who may have inadvertently enjoyed themselves.
In India, a power outage in Northern India turned out the lights for over 300 million people, or as it is known in India, "a couple of neighborhoods."
In New Zealand, a 23-year-old man was treated for burns to his buttocks and genitals after attempting to launch fireworks from his own ass. Authorities believe alcohol may have been involved, as well as the young man's belief that he is in fact Wile E. Coyote.
And finally, a Japanese company announced it is now selling a 4.5 ton, armed and armored robot that can be remotely piloted with an iPhone. And you thought drunk texting was dangerous.
There you go. Till tomorrow!
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