Late edition! Still relevant, probably!
Marine biologists reported that a dolphin society, once divided into two groups, is now reunited. Scientists attribute this to a lack of Internet usage among dolphins.
Senate Leader Harry Reid said yesterday that Gov. Mitt Romney hasn't paid taxes in ten years. He offered no proof for the statement, other than saying an unnamed former investor with Bain Capital called and told him. He went on to say that Gov. Romney also has cooties, but declined to provide a source.
Speaking of Harry Reid, Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) apologized for calling Senate Leader Harry Reid "incompetent," explaining that he meant to call him "incontinent." Sorry, that's a crap joke.
Speaking of crap jokes, doctors confirm that cases of Whooping Cough are increasing among children, and vaccines are no longer fully effective against newer strains. Whoopi Goldberg has been cleared of any responsibility.
Yesterday, Yahoo! put out a message confirming that their email and messenger service was down, because otherwise you would have never known.
Italian Prime Minister Mario Monti said he sees "a light at the end of the tunnel" for the eurozone debt crisis. This is actually terrible news, as it most likely means that Italy's Prime Minister is in the midst of a near death experience.
General Motors said yesterday that their advertising is not helping to boost the auto maker's sales. If this trend continues, they may be forced to consider actually making a decent product.
And finally, two of the Internet's largest online poker websites agreed to forfeit $731 million in a settlement that proves they did not know when to fold 'em.
That's it! See you tomorrow, kiddos!
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