Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 18, 2012

You guys like jokes and stuff?

Actor and human wall Michael Clarke Duncan survived a heart attack last week thanks to the heroic actions of his girlfriend, Omarosa, who found him and performed CPR on the 325lb man. The only downside is that he can never win another argument with her again.

Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao promised to focus on job creation going forward, to which a confused Speaker Boehner replied "China's going to try and outlaw abortion?"

Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf said this week that she blames the increase in drug trafficking and unchecked arms sales for the increased violence in Africa over the last decade. She also blamed gravity for making stuff fall.

In Olympic news, Jamaican runner Yohan Blake said that his close friendship with fellow Jamaican Usain Bolt will survive no matter what happens at the London Olympics, to which Bolt replied "I'm totally going to bang your wife at the Olympics. HIGH FIVE!"

In Akron, Ohio, a 37 year-old single mother has been panhandling on the streets, trying to raise money for breast impants, which she says will help raise her self-esteem. Seems like a fool-proof plan to me!

In New York, Katie Holmes enrolled her daughter Suri in Catholic school, because she didn't want her child indoctrinated into a cult.

In Arizona, famed sheriff Joe Arpaio was shocked to hear he was the target of a profanity-filled comedy routine from George Lopez. George Lopez was shocked to hear that Joe Arpaio gave a damn what a Latino had to say.

And finally, former Governor John Sununu, while campaigning for Mitt Romney, said he wished that President Obama "would learn to be an American." Sununu clarified his comment later, saying that he only meant the President "should be quite a bit fatter."

And that's... how you end... your... bloooooooooooooooooooooog! You were meant to imagine me singing and dancing that last part, like the end of a big Broadway showstopper. Go back and read it again with that in mind. Pretty sweet, right? Okay, see you tomorrow!