Senate Republicans are demanding that Ambassador Rice testify before Congress over misinformation she may have spread related to events in the middle east. "I'm not an ambassador," said Condoleeza Rice.
President Obama recently visited Myanmar, defending his choice to visit the repressive, undemocratic nation by saying that the trip was not an endorsement of the current regime and was intended to spread democracy. He went on to say that if it works in Myanmar, he might even try visiting Florida.
A judge in California ruled against Nicollette Sheridan's wrongful termination lawsuit against producers of Desperate Housewives. Furthermore, she was forced to pay a hefty fine for making the people continue to think about Desperate Housewives.
San Francisco city council is considering a ban on public nudity, which must mean that the population is finally getting older.
The University of Tennessee just fired its football coach. Probably because they didn't want to pay for his healthcare costs. Thanks a lot, Obama.
Governor Bobby Jindal said this weekend that the key to the GOP regaining power and relevance in American politics is to simply start liking people again. In response, former Vice President Dick Cheney told him to go fuck himself.
Actress Shannon Elizabeth is the new spokesperson for Farm Sanctuary's adopt-a-turkey program. She's hoping to become the Angelina Jolie of turkeys.
And finally, in Scotland archaeologists found evidence of a 10,000 year old dwelling, giving strong evidence to suggest that humanity has been suffering from clinical depression far longer than originally thought.
That's it!
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - August 5, 2012
Oh, happy day! It's a day for jokes. Let's do that.
A recent psychological study found that depression rates rise among teenage girls. I blame Twilight.
Internet analysts found that there are 83 million "fake" people on Facebook. And that's not even including your old roommate. You know the one I'm talking about.
Egypt's new president swore in his cabinet, saying that he's really looking forward to working with them for the next few weeks, or however long they last.
American Insurance Group (AIG) is looking to buy back its stock from the government. This is terrible news. If they keep buying up worthless crap like that, they'll be bankrupt again in no time!
A New Jersey man found pythons in his yard twice in four days last week, but says he still rejects Freudian dream interpretation.
Apple is moving its iCloud data center to Reno, so don't be surprised if your data gets addicted to slot machines, becomes alcoholic and eventually turns to stripping.
Bad news for the environment. Schools of fish in Australia, under an area of weak ozone layer, have developed skin cancer. But in a happy turn, sushi chefs are already working on recipes for Tempura Tumor Rolls.
And finally, it's officially August, and it is most likely the hottest month in the history of the world. I think that's what scientists have been saying. I don't know, it's so hard to pay attention to anything when it gets this hot. In that same vein, here are some tips for keeping your composure in the heat this summer.
Heat survival tips
* You may think it would be cooler if you were actually on fire. But that's not the case. Don't set yourself on fire.
* Lose some damn weight.
* Sweat helps to dissipate heat from your body. Try and steal sweat from others to cool yourself.
* Carrying around anger can lead you to overheat. So when you get mad, just punch someone.
* Dogs cool themselves by panting with their tongues out. Isn't that silly? Stupid dogs.
* In Iraq, average temperatures regularly reach well above 115 degrees. So maybe quit your bitching.
* Remember that one time, in the winter, when there was all that snow, and you were so mad about it? What does it take to make you happy?!
* Some people say that fans are a perfect substitute for air conditioning. Those people are assholes. Don't listen to them.
Bye! Stay cool!
A recent psychological study found that depression rates rise among teenage girls. I blame Twilight.
Internet analysts found that there are 83 million "fake" people on Facebook. And that's not even including your old roommate. You know the one I'm talking about.
Egypt's new president swore in his cabinet, saying that he's really looking forward to working with them for the next few weeks, or however long they last.
American Insurance Group (AIG) is looking to buy back its stock from the government. This is terrible news. If they keep buying up worthless crap like that, they'll be bankrupt again in no time!
A New Jersey man found pythons in his yard twice in four days last week, but says he still rejects Freudian dream interpretation.
Apple is moving its iCloud data center to Reno, so don't be surprised if your data gets addicted to slot machines, becomes alcoholic and eventually turns to stripping.
Bad news for the environment. Schools of fish in Australia, under an area of weak ozone layer, have developed skin cancer. But in a happy turn, sushi chefs are already working on recipes for Tempura Tumor Rolls.
And finally, it's officially August, and it is most likely the hottest month in the history of the world. I think that's what scientists have been saying. I don't know, it's so hard to pay attention to anything when it gets this hot. In that same vein, here are some tips for keeping your composure in the heat this summer.
Heat survival tips
* You may think it would be cooler if you were actually on fire. But that's not the case. Don't set yourself on fire.
* Lose some damn weight.
* Sweat helps to dissipate heat from your body. Try and steal sweat from others to cool yourself.
* Carrying around anger can lead you to overheat. So when you get mad, just punch someone.
* Dogs cool themselves by panting with their tongues out. Isn't that silly? Stupid dogs.
* In Iraq, average temperatures regularly reach well above 115 degrees. So maybe quit your bitching.
* Remember that one time, in the winter, when there was all that snow, and you were so mad about it? What does it take to make you happy?!
* Some people say that fans are a perfect substitute for air conditioning. Those people are assholes. Don't listen to them.
Bye! Stay cool!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - April 2, 2012
Howdy, howdy! Let's have some happy stuff this morning. Or whenever. It's Monday, let's all deal with it.
A recent study found that people who eat fast food regularly are more depressed than the general population. Most depressed: McDonald's customers. Least depressed: McQualudes.
Also, a study of lab rats found that coffee actually makes industrious rats more lazy. So now we know how to make rats lazy. Great work, science.
This weekend, Ann Coulter said that Newt Gingrich can't run for President having had two extra-marital affairs, to which Gingrich replied "are you coming on to me?"
Democratic activist Aung San Suu Kyii won a historic victory in the Burmese election yesterday. Wait a minute. On April 1st... oh, you got us again, Military Junta!
NBA Knicks "star" Jeremy Lin is out for the rest of the season with a serious Linjury. Yeah, okay.
In Berlin, an artist has built a giant junk robot that knows how to play two songs on the bass guitar, which is twice as many as most bass players.
Psychiatrists have found that taking your dog to work actually cuts down on your job stress. Although, if you're working somewhere that you can bring your dog to work, it's probably not a stressful environment to begin with, so maybe you should just shut up and quit whining, you crybaby.
And finally, Rick Santorum said he would "without a doubt drop out of the race if Mitt Romney had 1,144 delegates." Other reasons why he would drop out...
Okay, that's where we'll leave this for now. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
A recent study found that people who eat fast food regularly are more depressed than the general population. Most depressed: McDonald's customers. Least depressed: McQualudes.
Also, a study of lab rats found that coffee actually makes industrious rats more lazy. So now we know how to make rats lazy. Great work, science.
This weekend, Ann Coulter said that Newt Gingrich can't run for President having had two extra-marital affairs, to which Gingrich replied "are you coming on to me?"
Democratic activist Aung San Suu Kyii won a historic victory in the Burmese election yesterday. Wait a minute. On April 1st... oh, you got us again, Military Junta!
NBA Knicks "star" Jeremy Lin is out for the rest of the season with a serious Linjury. Yeah, okay.
In Berlin, an artist has built a giant junk robot that knows how to play two songs on the bass guitar, which is twice as many as most bass players.
Psychiatrists have found that taking your dog to work actually cuts down on your job stress. Although, if you're working somewhere that you can bring your dog to work, it's probably not a stressful environment to begin with, so maybe you should just shut up and quit whining, you crybaby.
And finally, Rick Santorum said he would "without a doubt drop out of the race if Mitt Romney had 1,144 delegates." Other reasons why he would drop out...
- If God told him. You know, in his serious voice.
- If billionaires quit giving him money.
- If K-Mart would pick up his new line of sweater vests for the summer.
- If he came to his senses.
Okay, that's where we'll leave this for now. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - March 26, 2012
Hey, it's International Blog Week! No, it's probably not. But it's a new week, with new jokes.
And they are...
James Cameron boarded a submarine yesterday and journeyed to the deepest part of the Earth. It's like he's a metaphor for not his films.
President Obama warned North Korea against restarting their missile program, saying it would accomplish nothing and only serve to further isolate them from the rest of the world. In that sense, a ballistic missile program is just like decades of ignorance and racism in Mississippi.
Dick Cheney got a heart transplant over the weekend, so there's one less runaway on the streets. By the way, great work, Science.
Geraldo Rivera said on FOX News last week that Trayvon Martin's hoodie had a contributing role in his shooting death. Like all those monks that keep getting blown away. Perhaps he'd change his tune if the hoodie lobby were pumping more money into conservative politics...
Gallagher survived a heart attack, but announced his retirement from comedy. This shocking development left comedy fans around the world wondering "how was Gallagher still around?"
Film director Todd Phillips said that the next Hangover film will be the last. Which is oddly similar to what alcoholics say.
In Vienna last week, musicians performed a recently discovered piece written by Mozart as a child. The long lost work was called "Symphony for Anna, the Booger Eater."
In Mexico, Pope Benedict XVI held an open-air mass, where he condemned the country's violent drug trade. Because what kind of monsters would use violence to make sure people used their drugs? That would be positively medieval.
Ugh, my hand got so heavy as I typed that.
And finally, a Finnish study found that people who live alone are 80% more likely to experience depression that those who live with others. The numbers are even worse for people who live in Finland.
...and scene. Come back tomorrow! Until then, thank you for reading, and have a great day!
James Cameron boarded a submarine yesterday and journeyed to the deepest part of the Earth. It's like he's a metaphor for not his films.
President Obama warned North Korea against restarting their missile program, saying it would accomplish nothing and only serve to further isolate them from the rest of the world. In that sense, a ballistic missile program is just like decades of ignorance and racism in Mississippi.
Dick Cheney got a heart transplant over the weekend, so there's one less runaway on the streets. By the way, great work, Science.
Geraldo Rivera said on FOX News last week that Trayvon Martin's hoodie had a contributing role in his shooting death. Like all those monks that keep getting blown away. Perhaps he'd change his tune if the hoodie lobby were pumping more money into conservative politics...
Gallagher survived a heart attack, but announced his retirement from comedy. This shocking development left comedy fans around the world wondering "how was Gallagher still around?"
Film director Todd Phillips said that the next Hangover film will be the last. Which is oddly similar to what alcoholics say.
In Vienna last week, musicians performed a recently discovered piece written by Mozart as a child. The long lost work was called "Symphony for Anna, the Booger Eater."
In Mexico, Pope Benedict XVI held an open-air mass, where he condemned the country's violent drug trade. Because what kind of monsters would use violence to make sure people used their drugs? That would be positively medieval.
Ugh, my hand got so heavy as I typed that.
And finally, a Finnish study found that people who live alone are 80% more likely to experience depression that those who live with others. The numbers are even worse for people who live in Finland.
...and scene. Come back tomorrow! Until then, thank you for reading, and have a great day!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 23, 2012
Bring it on, friends. Let's have some laughs, eh?
Dominique Strauss-Kahn was held for two days by French police in connection with a prostitution ring. Strauss-Kahn's involvement was suspected due to his incredible creepiness, and the fact that he kept asking police to smell his fingers.
I apologize for that.
In Egypt, the verdict for Hosni Mubarak's trial has been set for June 2nd of this year. Wonder what the verdict will be... Honestly, the finale for America's Top Model is probably more hotly contested than this verdict.
Microsoft is working on making a version of Office for iPad, but they haven't yet figure out how to crash the entire system.
Speaking of the system, human rights activists are protesting Germany for it's practice of castrating sex offenders. Said one spokesman for Germany, "we gave the world Nazis and Grimm's fairy tales. A little castration is pretty much as mild as we get."
Megaupload founder Kim Dotcom is out on bail, however he can't use the Internet or his helicopters. Honestly, what's the point of freedom?
The new Sony handheld game system debuted this week. Early reports indicate the Vita has a slower load time than its competitors, making it take just that much longer for your personal information to be stolen.
In Virginia, Governor Bob McDonnell is backing away from a controversial law requiring penetrative vaginal probing for any woman seeking an abortion. Instead, she'll just have to wait until last call.
And finally, speaking of women, a study recently found that women with migraines more likely to be depressed. Also, women with broken legs are more likely to move slowly. Thanks, Science.
That's all for now!
Dominique Strauss-Kahn was held for two days by French police in connection with a prostitution ring. Strauss-Kahn's involvement was suspected due to his incredible creepiness, and the fact that he kept asking police to smell his fingers.
I apologize for that.
In Egypt, the verdict for Hosni Mubarak's trial has been set for June 2nd of this year. Wonder what the verdict will be... Honestly, the finale for America's Top Model is probably more hotly contested than this verdict.
Microsoft is working on making a version of Office for iPad, but they haven't yet figure out how to crash the entire system.
Speaking of the system, human rights activists are protesting Germany for it's practice of castrating sex offenders. Said one spokesman for Germany, "we gave the world Nazis and Grimm's fairy tales. A little castration is pretty much as mild as we get."
Megaupload founder Kim Dotcom is out on bail, however he can't use the Internet or his helicopters. Honestly, what's the point of freedom?
The new Sony handheld game system debuted this week. Early reports indicate the Vita has a slower load time than its competitors, making it take just that much longer for your personal information to be stolen.
In Virginia, Governor Bob McDonnell is backing away from a controversial law requiring penetrative vaginal probing for any woman seeking an abortion. Instead, she'll just have to wait until last call.
And finally, speaking of women, a study recently found that women with migraines more likely to be depressed. Also, women with broken legs are more likely to move slowly. Thanks, Science.
That's all for now!
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