September 24, 2015: Let's See the Birther Certificate

Remember that guy who jacked up the price on a 62-year-old toxoplasmosis drug from $13.50 to $750 per pill? Yeah, Donald Trump just called him "disgusting" and "a disgrace," which may be a condemnation or an indication that Trump plans to hire him.

Speaking of Trump speaking, he also said that the birther movement started with Hillary Clinton. He went on to say it was her idea for him to start put his name on all his buildings in giant letters, say creepy things about how hot his daughter is, and to way over-use the word 'huge' in conversation.

The U.S. Department of Defense revealed that fingerprint files for 5.6 million people were stolen in a recent data breach. A spokesman for the Chinese government said "No, it wasn't nearly that many people," adding "I mean, 'no we didn't.'"

Here's something weird. The Dalai Lama said that he thinks it's possible for there to be a female Dalai Lama, although she would have to be "very, very attractive." It's possible he was confusing "Dalai Lama" with "meteorologist on a Spanish language morning show."

Or he's just fucking with us. When you've been reincarnated that many times, you probably develop all sorts of hyper-specific inside jokes that only your previous incarnations get. Kinda like reading this blog from the beginning.

Former University of Oklahoma football player Marcus Dupree revealed recently that when he was recruited by colleges in the early 1980s, one of them offered him an oil well as a signing bonus. Because everyone knows how much college kids love their oil wells. They'd much rather have some mineral rights than a shiny Corvette filled with hookers made out of cocaine. Duh.

Former penal colony Australia is set to deny entry to former singer Chris Brown over his history of violence. Australia, the country whose national bird is a punch in the teeth, has said "no" to Chris Brown. The continent where kangaroos and koalas get into bar fights, where the national anthem includes the sound of people spitting out their own broken teeth, where the Queen started her own chapter of Fight Club, has deemed Chris Brown an unacceptable risk. Well done, Australia.

Pope Francis is in the U.S., having not been deemed an unnecessarily violent threat to the peace. After addressing Congress, the Pope blew off an offer to lunch with Congressional leadership to instead eat with the homeless in DC, probably because the homeless aren't a bunch of assholes.

While in the States, Pope Francis is speaking out on climate change, poverty and the dangers of capitalism. And, he'll also show you some sweet kick moves for the next time you're playing Hacky Sack.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 15, 2012

Let's get down to it.

The Dalai Lama won the $1.7 million Templeton Prize for spiritual progress, then announced that he's donating it all to charity. He's also won the Templeton Prize for passive aggressively telling us all that he's better than us.

In other Dalai Lama new, he alleged this week that China was behind a plot to teach women to poison him. China denied it furiously, saying "hey, who're you gonna believe? Oh, crap, that's right. Yeah, never mind. We did it."

In the U.K., popular puppet team Punch and Judy marked their 350th anniversary this year, placing them just behind The Simpsons in total episodes. Also, NBC has given the duo an honorary cancellation.

The founder of America Online sent a warning to Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg, telling him not to get distracted by the company's IPO, which is clearly where AOL fell off the rails.

In Oklahoma, Rep. James Lankford said he opposes legislation to protect the rights of gay people because he believes that being gay is a choice. But you have to be born stupid.

Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger said that TSA security screeners gave him "the full monty" during a recent trip in what must surely be the worst day of their lives.

Britney Spears signed a multi-million dollar deal to join X-Factor next season. She said she's very excited about the opportunity to be on the supply side of judging for a change.

And finally, Greek voters refused to accept austerity measures and rejected the Euro zone bailout plan, saying "hey, we created Western civilization, only fair that we get to destroy it, too."

And that's all. Thunder up!