Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 16, 2011

Hey, friends! What a wonderful day for a blog. I've got a great feeling about this one, let's see if it pans out.

Microsoft announced that the new Windows 8 will require fewer annoying updates and restarts, but will still be compatible with all your favorite Windows 7 viruses.

In Pennsylvania, former coach and alleged human Jerry Sandusky claimed that he did shower with several young boys, but that they were just "horsing around." Great. So now we have to be worried about what he's been doing with horses.

In other Sandusky news, sources revealed yesterday that his lawyer once impregnated a 17 year old girl who was also his client at the time. Well, here's to hoping he still screws his clients.

A medical study released this week indicates that singing actually has health benefits, which explains why Ozzy is still alive.

In China, two young girls were rescued from a fairground ride where they were trapped, upside down, for several hours. But it's okay, the girls were able to keep working the entire time.

In America, sources close to Kris Humphries are saying that he is now ready to sign the divorce papers, ending his marriage to Kim Kardashian. Apparently he refused to sign until yesterday, when he finally learned how to write his name.

Remember Jesse James? World class douchebag that cheated on Sandra Bullock with Kat Von D, then cheated on her? Apparently he still has friends, who are now begging him to seek treatment for sex addiction. In a related story, I'm begging the women of America to STOP HAVING SEX WITH JESSE JAMES!

And finally, the creator of AMC's Mad Men said yesterday that he plans to have the series end in present times, with Don Draper getting old. Well, if the barometer is whether or not Don Draper is getting old, then I'd say the show ended two seasons ago. BOOM! Take that, you critically-lauded and pretty awesome show!

And there you have it. I feel like we've grown together, or at least groaned together. Yep. Going out on a pun. Have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 18, 2011

Welcome to Thursday, everyone! This is going to be the best day we have all day, so I hope you enjoy it. That sentence meant absolutely nothing. I might run for President. Is that a joke? Who knows! These next things are, though.

Today is a great day for me. The Qdoba in my neighborhood is reopening after having some work done. It's kinda like Courtney Cox returning to television.

Police in London arrested the 1000th person in connection to the riots. Lucky number 1000 got his picture in the paper, a gift certificate to Harrods, and a savage beating from the cops. Congratulations!

Vice President Biden is in China discussing U.S.-Chinese debt. It doesn't look good for the talks. Rumor has it that Chinese negotiators had a pay toilet installed in Biden's hotel room.

Former Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi quashed rumors of a Black Sabbath reunion this week. Ozzy actually said the same thing last week, but no one could understand him. And he was taking to a dog at the time.

Anticipation is building for the new Microsoft operating system, Windows 8, which insiders say will totally revolutionize personal computing. Apparently it features a completely redesigned Blue Screen Of Death.

A new biography alleges that French fashion designer Coco Chanel was a Nazi agent during World War II. The first clue was her extensive portfolio of haute couture arm bands and jackboots.

Russian pilots carried out test flights on a new stealth plane this month. It's a big departure from the old Soviet designs. You see, in Soviet Russia, stealth plane flies you.

And finally, in more Russian news, former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbechev came out with harsh criticism of Russia's progress toward democracy and Vladimir Putin in particular. A confused Putin said "wait a minute, didn't I already kill him? Come on, Vlad! Get it together!" He then strangled a walrus with his bare hands.

Okay, that's the end. Of the blog. For today. Spencer is here tomorrow, and I'll be back Monday.

Till then, have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 27, 2011

Welcome to Wednesday, the long, unending Kansas of the week. How's your week been so far? Anybody got that whole debt ceiling thing figured out yet? Anybody? Nope? Oh, okay. Anybody have a copy of Rosetta Stone: Mandarin I could borrow? Xie xie...

Until then, enjoy these Xiào Huà!

Former Governor and prolific inseminator Arnold Schwarzenegger agreed yesterday to pay spousal support to Maria Shriver after earlier refusing. He claimed that his lawyer had made the decision to deny spousal support without his consent. Doesn't it suck when you put your trust in someone and they go and do something stupid behind your back like that?

In charity news, Sheryl Crow is selling her 1959 Mercedes Benz. Apparently it's easier for her to unload her car than her albums.

Speaking of unloading, former Egyptian "President" *cough* *dictator* *cough* Hosni Mubarak is refusing food in part to protest his treatment by the new government, which is funny because he used to kill people who protested against the government.

Speaking of cosmic justice, human petri dishes Kat Von D and Jesse James called off their wedding upcoming wedding. James was especially disappointed, as he was looking forward to the chance to cheat on yet another woman.

International retail behemoth Wal-Mart has entered the streaming video market with their new service, Vudu. It's just like Netflix but with a lot more Chuck Norris.

You heard about Congressman David Wu, right, from Oregon? He's been accused of making unwanted sexual advances toward the 18 year old daughter of his friend and campaign donor. Well, for some reason he's decided to resign from Congress. Oh, he's not a Republican. There you go.

Rocker and heavy metal madman Ozzy Osbourne spent $10,000 on a Yorkie puppy this week. Apparently he was really hungry.

And lastly, in other animal-eating news, a young girl from North Carolina said that she forgave the shark that attacked and nearly killed her, because children are dumb.

Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow, right? There will be some jokes about stuff.

Till then, have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 2, 2011

Holla! Welcome to your Thursday, everyone. It's almost over! Can you taste it? I don't know what it is, but it's exciting, right? Hey, speaking of exciting, yesterday was National Running Day. Newt Gingrich celebrated by tripping himself. Does that even make sense? Oh, who cares.

Anyway.

Google announced yesterday that someone had hacked into Gmail, stealing the personal data of thousands of users. Obviously Google is upset about this. After all, they worked hard to steal that personal data in the first place! Doesn't seem fair.

Big news from the world of celebrities you can't remember why you know: Kim Kardashian will be changing her name after she marries her fiance, Kris Humphries. She actually picked out her own new name: SVETLANA KARDASHIAN. She may have been unclear as to how this thing works. But she'll get it figured out, because she's so traditional.

In entertainment on purpose news, Patrick Dempsey announced that he will be leaving Grey's Anatomy at the end of this season. Apparently he's worried about being typecast as the guy who stars in crappy shows.

You know what else? In a recent interview looking back over his life, British rocker Ozzy Osbourne said"I'm very blessed." At least that's what we think he said.

In politics, Sarah Palin spent a night in nearby Jersey City during her NYC visit, apparently trying to convince herself not to run for any office that would put her in charge of fixing places like Jersey City.

In other political news, Rep. Anthony Weiner has come under fire for allegedly emailing a picture of his own crotch to a woman over Twitter. That's unfortunate for a guy with his name. To head off the flood of cheap jokes, he has temporarily changed his name to Penis Weiner. Don't worry, he'll figure it out.

In health news, a study by the World Health Organization found evidence that cell phones are carcinogenic. Does that mean we can finally get them barred from clubs and restaurants? Is there such a thing as second hand brain cancer?

Speaking of brain cancer, protestors from the famed and insaned Westboro Baptist Church were kept out of Arlington National Cemetery this weekend by... the KKK. Who are we supposed to root for in that conflict? That's like the Mavericks and the Heat in the NBA finals! No matter who comes out on top, a jerk has won.

And lastly, Google is launching a new service called "+1," that is an "homage" to Facebook's "Like" button. It's bound to be ridiculously popular, so long as Google promotes it with Google Buzz. It's the voice of the new generation.

Okay, that's it! Spencer's here tomorrow, Earnest is here Sunday, and you're here EVERY DAY! So make it a great day.

And don't forget your sunblock!

Thursday Morning Monologue - April 14, 2011

Did you know that "Thursday" is named for the legendary Greek hero "Thursdosius?" You didn't know that? Well, don't feel bad. It's not true. Who needs segues? We've got jokes!

Apple announced this week that they are releasing an update to their popular video editing software, Final Cut Pro X, much to the delight of software pirates.

In Israel, a vacationing Justin Bieber has been besieged by hordes of crazed fans. Said one witness to the Bieber-mania, "these people act like he's the second coming! Or the first coming, depending on who you ask."

In Syria, thousands of women took to the streets and blocked a major highway as part of a protest demanding the release of government prisoners. Typical. Even when they're not allowed to drive, women still manage to mess up traffic.

In Egypt, former president Hosni Mubarak was detained by the "government" on corruption charges. Now that he's under investigation and may be indicted, the not-so-strongman mused "I wish I'd made the jails nicer while I had the chance."

Speaking of jails, a jail in South Carolina was accused of violating prisoners' civil rights by allowing the inmates to only read the Bible. Said one inmate, "it's been rough. Have you ever tried masturbating to the Bible? It just feels wrong!"

Also disturbing, the TSA ruled this week that screeners acted properly in the pat-down of a six year old girl at the New Orleans airport. In a related story, Roman Polanski just applied for a job.

An audience member at American Idol is claiming she was barred from a front row seat because she's overweight. A spokesman for the show said "that's ridiculous. Her weight had nothing to do with our decision. It was actually her hideous, disgusting face. Did you see this girl? Ugh!"

Lastly, famed musician and gourmand Ozzy Osbourne was named a "legend" by the music magazine Kerrang! His status as a legend will undoubtedly lead future generations to doubt his existence, assuming him to be nothing more than the personification of the best parts of the human spirit. Maybe they'll name Thursday after him.

That's it for me! Have a great day, tell your friends, sound off below, and come see us again tomorrow!