Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 27, 2011

Welcome to Wednesday, the long, unending Kansas of the week. How's your week been so far? Anybody got that whole debt ceiling thing figured out yet? Anybody? Nope? Oh, okay. Anybody have a copy of Rosetta Stone: Mandarin I could borrow? Xie xie...

Until then, enjoy these Xiào Huà!

Former Governor and prolific inseminator Arnold Schwarzenegger agreed yesterday to pay spousal support to Maria Shriver after earlier refusing. He claimed that his lawyer had made the decision to deny spousal support without his consent. Doesn't it suck when you put your trust in someone and they go and do something stupid behind your back like that?

In charity news, Sheryl Crow is selling her 1959 Mercedes Benz. Apparently it's easier for her to unload her car than her albums.

Speaking of unloading, former Egyptian "President" *cough* *dictator* *cough* Hosni Mubarak is refusing food in part to protest his treatment by the new government, which is funny because he used to kill people who protested against the government.

Speaking of cosmic justice, human petri dishes Kat Von D and Jesse James called off their wedding upcoming wedding. James was especially disappointed, as he was looking forward to the chance to cheat on yet another woman.

International retail behemoth Wal-Mart has entered the streaming video market with their new service, Vudu. It's just like Netflix but with a lot more Chuck Norris.

You heard about Congressman David Wu, right, from Oregon? He's been accused of making unwanted sexual advances toward the 18 year old daughter of his friend and campaign donor. Well, for some reason he's decided to resign from Congress. Oh, he's not a Republican. There you go.

Rocker and heavy metal madman Ozzy Osbourne spent $10,000 on a Yorkie puppy this week. Apparently he was really hungry.

And lastly, in other animal-eating news, a young girl from North Carolina said that she forgave the shark that attacked and nearly killed her, because children are dumb.

Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow, right? There will be some jokes about stuff.

Till then, have a great day!

1 comment:

  1. Walmart's Alternative Lifestyles movie section will include movies like Dave instead of ones like Jeffrey.

    ReplyDelete

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