Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 6, 2011

Welcome to Wednesday. You know, if someone built a bar and called it "Wednesday," and someone burned that bar down late one night when no one was around, I think I'd be okay with that. Anyway, let's all make fun of the "real" world.

The Vatican is opening an exhibit of its secret archive this week of papers relating to the Vatican's work over the last 400 years. One spokesman said, "it's so great that we're able to share these secret documents with the public after all these years. After all, what kind of faith shrouds itself in secrecy and byzantine bureaucracy and hides the truth from the world?"

Speaking of ugly truth, Comedy Central is planning to air a roast of Charlie Sheen this fall. Perhaps next season they'll just videotape people at a mental hospital and add zany sound effects.

A man was arrested yesterday for peeping on Paris Hilton. Apparently he doesn't have the Internet.

Follow up: the man is actually an obsessed stalker, and Ms. Hilton had to get a restraining order to keep him away. I'm guessing that's because he's never met her or spoken with her.

In India, the health minister recently said that homosexuality is a disease. Hmm. If the health minister is obsessed with homosexuality, I'm starting to see why so many people in India get cholera, typhoid fever, malaria and the damn plague!

An exercise bike was built recently using Google street-view photographs of the entire Tour de France course to allow anyone and everyone to bike through it just like a cycling superstar. Steroids are optional.

In Australia, police have been given the authority to remove burkas and other clothing that disguises a person's facial features. No word yet on how this might impact the work of Female Body Inspectors.

And lastly, a woman in Mexico was caught trying to sneak her husband out of prison in a large suitcase she brought along for their normal conjugal visit. Prison guards got suspicious when the bag kept humming Lonely Island's "I Just Had Sex."

Okay, I'm tired. That's that, kiddos!

See you tomorrow, and have a great day!

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