After being nominated for the job of Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel personally contacted all one hundred U.S. Senators to help secure his confirmation to the post, which explains why no one else wants the job.
Speaking of jobs, Charlie Sheen said he wants to return to Two and a Half Men, which means he's either no longer on drugs, or more drugs than ever before. Either way, he needs to work on the formula.
A Russian court decided against overturning the prison sentence handed down for Pussy Riot, instead opting to keep them in the box a little longer.
A new study found that twice as many people are going to the emergency room because of energy drinks as they were just six years ago. And we can all agree that an increase like that is EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another study found a link between fast food consumption and increased asthma and allergies in children. Also, the study found no correlation between Happy Meals and depression.
In Florida, a teenager was arrested for giving wedgies to other teens and adults. In a related story, he's going to find prison the be hilarious.
At the President's inauguration yesterday, attendees booed Rep. Paul Ryan, showing that political elites are still in touch with mainstream America.
And finally, scientists are searching for and "adventurous woman" willing to have a baby created with recovered Neanderthal DNA. Well, if someone is willing to have a baby with Kid Rock...
And that's it!
Showing posts with label pussy riot. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pussy riot. Show all posts
Monday, January 21, 2013
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 22, 2012
Some more jokes, perhaps? Yes, my pretties. Have your fill.
NASA’s Mars rover Curiosity has been busy beaming back images from Mars. It’s sent back photos of rocks, mountains, the sky, and what it’s been eating for dinner, because apparently someone installed Instagram. It’s got a Mars filter.
At an Ohio county fair this week, an alligator bit a trainer during a live show. The name of that show: Mr. Inevitable’s Amazing Roundup of Incredibly Likely Things.
Unificationist Church leader Rev. Sun Myung Moon has been hospitalized for pneumonia. While bedridden, the charismatic pastor still managed to oversee the group wedding of his entire medical team.
In New York, a man accused of faking his own death to collect on his life insurance has pleaded “Not Guilty” and “Not Alive.”
A study of college tuition costs found that the cost of a college degree has increased 1120% over the last 30 years. Sadly, most college students can’t do that math. One good bit of news from the study: the price of PBR and ping pong has stayed the same.
The Olympic flag arrived in Rio de Janiero, and it's already been kidnapped for ransom.
A Washington, D.C. police captain was demoted recently for acting as an escort for Charlie Sheen. No, not that kind of escort, but he still got screwed anyway.
And finally, three members of the Russian punk collective Pussy Riot, sentenced recently to prison for protesting Vladimir Putin, are going to the centerpiece of an art exhibition and fundraiser in New York City. Well, I've been making fun of Putin for years! Where's my fundraiser? Just to refresh your memory, here's my favorite, from June of 2011:
"In Russia, Human rights activist Yelena Bonner died at the age of 88 after a long illness. A heartbroken Vladimir Putin issued a statement expressing his regret that he never got around to killing her while she was alive."
You can use the PayPal button at your leisure, Amnesty International. Thanks!
NASA’s Mars rover Curiosity has been busy beaming back images from Mars. It’s sent back photos of rocks, mountains, the sky, and what it’s been eating for dinner, because apparently someone installed Instagram. It’s got a Mars filter.
At an Ohio county fair this week, an alligator bit a trainer during a live show. The name of that show: Mr. Inevitable’s Amazing Roundup of Incredibly Likely Things.
Unificationist Church leader Rev. Sun Myung Moon has been hospitalized for pneumonia. While bedridden, the charismatic pastor still managed to oversee the group wedding of his entire medical team.
In New York, a man accused of faking his own death to collect on his life insurance has pleaded “Not Guilty” and “Not Alive.”
A study of college tuition costs found that the cost of a college degree has increased 1120% over the last 30 years. Sadly, most college students can’t do that math. One good bit of news from the study: the price of PBR and ping pong has stayed the same.
The Olympic flag arrived in Rio de Janiero, and it's already been kidnapped for ransom.
A Washington, D.C. police captain was demoted recently for acting as an escort for Charlie Sheen. No, not that kind of escort, but he still got screwed anyway.
And finally, three members of the Russian punk collective Pussy Riot, sentenced recently to prison for protesting Vladimir Putin, are going to the centerpiece of an art exhibition and fundraiser in New York City. Well, I've been making fun of Putin for years! Where's my fundraiser? Just to refresh your memory, here's my favorite, from June of 2011:
"In Russia, Human rights activist Yelena Bonner died at the age of 88 after a long illness. A heartbroken Vladimir Putin issued a statement expressing his regret that he never got around to killing her while she was alive."
You can use the PayPal button at your leisure, Amnesty International. Thanks!
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