Monday, January 21, 2013

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 22,2013

After being nominated for the job of Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel personally contacted all one hundred U.S. Senators to help secure his confirmation to the post, which explains why no one else wants the job.

Speaking of jobs, Charlie Sheen said he wants to return to Two and a Half Men, which means he's either no longer on drugs, or more drugs than ever before. Either way, he needs to work on the formula.

A Russian court decided against overturning the prison sentence handed down for Pussy Riot, instead opting to keep them in the box a little longer.

A new study found that twice as many people are going to the emergency room because of energy drinks as they were just six years ago. And we can all agree that an increase like that is EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another study found a link between fast food consumption and increased asthma and allergies in children. Also, the study found no correlation between Happy Meals and depression.

In Florida, a teenager was arrested for giving wedgies to other teens and adults. In a related story, he's going to find prison the be hilarious.

At the President's inauguration yesterday, attendees booed Rep. Paul Ryan, showing that political elites are still in touch with mainstream America.

And finally, scientists are searching for and "adventurous woman" willing to have a baby created with recovered Neanderthal DNA. Well, if someone is willing to have a baby with Kid Rock...

And that's it!

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