What's happening in Chicago? Let's see.
It's been unseasonably warm in Chicago this winter, with temperatures routinely in the 50s. Of course, this has caused a rush on extra-strength deodorant and all manner of topical heat rash creams.
Speaking of sweaty messes, Walgreens is opening a new upscale location in downtown Chicago. It will feature 27,000 square feet of retail shopping space, a state-of-the-art clinic, groceries, fresh deli foods, and no more than one pharmacist on duty at any time.
In Springfield, Governor Quinn is taking on pension reform to boost Illinois' credit rating and make sure the state can support the level of graft and embezzlement the taxpayers have come to depend on.
In media news, WMAQ anchor Zoraida Sambolin is leaving for New York. And although she's selling her home, the departing anchor said that "Chicago will always be home," adding under her breath "for tax purposes." Rahm Emanuel has endorsed her move.
In Waukegan, a police officer fell into the lap of a suspect during a routine traffic stop when the suspect attempted to drive away. The officer finally stopped the car and arrested the man for improperly using the carpool lane. The officer was subsequently reprimanded for not wearing his seatbelt.
In other news, Metra sent an apology letter to commuters for delays at Union Station on Monday. As the letters were carried by cars, and not trains, they arrived on time.
In financial news, ShoreBank Corporation just filed for bankruptcy and changed their name to UnShoreBank. Come on, everyone loves a pun.
And finally, Mayor Emanuel accused the Municipal Employees Union of using Chicago libraries as "a bargaining chip" in ongoing contract negotiations, saying that the libraries should instead be used for downloading porn and providing showers to homeless people.
And that's it for now! More jokes tomorrow, everyone! Until then, have a great day, and GO BLACKHAWKS!
Showing posts with label finance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label finance. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Friday Morning Monologue - April 15, 2011
Seems like I was supposed to do something today... Oh well, I'm sure I'll remember. Now, let's have jokes!
Financial regulators are investigating a large number of bankers who allegedly formed a cartel to control interest rates before and during the recent global financial meltdown. The investigators are hoping to uncover why the banks were so terrible at it.
A new book released by the Vatican turned out to be full of errors, including the approval of condoms, that occurred when the book was translated. A Vatican spokesman offered an apology, saying "you know how it is when you translate text without the author's input, and all sorts of weird mistakes creep in, and all of a sudden you lose the author's original meaning and intent?" At least, that's what I think he said. I don't speak Italian.
Speaking of inscrutable Italian, Silvio Berlusconi may not seek another term in office. The aging billionaire is planning to step aside and let others in his party take over the role of leadership. He also assured his supporters that his commitment to wild sex-parties remains as strong as ever.
In Georgia, managers at a McDonald's restaurant were caught selling stolen identities. Said one of the accused, "we felt selling these identities would be better for society than our food."
Baseball legend* Barry Bonds was convicted on one charge of obstruction of justice this week, ending a trial that was surely not a huge waste of taxpayer money. Also, he's been huge in my Fantasy Criminal Trial league this season.
The European music streaming service Spotify will be scaling back the amount of music it offers free of charge to non-subscribers, citing a "need to stay in business."
And finally, Discovery Communications announced it will soon offer a new cable channel for super-rich men. The channel will profile the cars, boats, homes and other toys popular with the mega-wealthy. What a great idea. Because if there's one thing rich people love, it's sitting at home watching basic cable shows about the exciting things they could be doing if they weren't sitting at home watching basic cable.
That's it for me this week! If you're in the NYC area this weekend, and you're not watching basic cable, you can see me tonight at Clam Broth House in Hoboken and Sunday night at Mustang Grill. Follow twitter.com/soonerseth for more information!
In the meantime, we hope you enjoyed today's jokes and told your friends about us. Come back this weekend for Earnest's Sunday Monologue (on Sunday) and come back next week for more from me and Spencer on Friday. Follow twitter.com/spinlenox and twitter.com/earnestp for more hilarity, too!
But most importantly, have a great day!
Financial regulators are investigating a large number of bankers who allegedly formed a cartel to control interest rates before and during the recent global financial meltdown. The investigators are hoping to uncover why the banks were so terrible at it.
A new book released by the Vatican turned out to be full of errors, including the approval of condoms, that occurred when the book was translated. A Vatican spokesman offered an apology, saying "you know how it is when you translate text without the author's input, and all sorts of weird mistakes creep in, and all of a sudden you lose the author's original meaning and intent?" At least, that's what I think he said. I don't speak Italian.
Speaking of inscrutable Italian, Silvio Berlusconi may not seek another term in office. The aging billionaire is planning to step aside and let others in his party take over the role of leadership. He also assured his supporters that his commitment to wild sex-parties remains as strong as ever.
In Georgia, managers at a McDonald's restaurant were caught selling stolen identities. Said one of the accused, "we felt selling these identities would be better for society than our food."
Baseball legend* Barry Bonds was convicted on one charge of obstruction of justice this week, ending a trial that was surely not a huge waste of taxpayer money. Also, he's been huge in my Fantasy Criminal Trial league this season.
The European music streaming service Spotify will be scaling back the amount of music it offers free of charge to non-subscribers, citing a "need to stay in business."
And finally, Discovery Communications announced it will soon offer a new cable channel for super-rich men. The channel will profile the cars, boats, homes and other toys popular with the mega-wealthy. What a great idea. Because if there's one thing rich people love, it's sitting at home watching basic cable shows about the exciting things they could be doing if they weren't sitting at home watching basic cable.
That's it for me this week! If you're in the NYC area this weekend, and you're not watching basic cable, you can see me tonight at Clam Broth House in Hoboken and Sunday night at Mustang Grill. Follow twitter.com/soonerseth for more information!
In the meantime, we hope you enjoyed today's jokes and told your friends about us. Come back this weekend for Earnest's Sunday Monologue (on Sunday) and come back next week for more from me and Spencer on Friday. Follow twitter.com/spinlenox and twitter.com/earnestp for more hilarity, too!
But most importantly, have a great day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)