I have no banter today. Absolutely none. I'm too busy thinking about The Avengers. You've seen it, right? You've gotta see it. Right after you read these jokes.
This week, Vladimir Putin was sworn in for his third term as Russia's President, just in time for the next James Bond movie.
Yemeni and American intelligence agents foiled another airline underwear bomb plot yesterday with the help of special consultants Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.
Beef Products Inc., makers of the "pink slime" beef filler, are closing three plants and will punch anyone in the mouth who says "there's no such thing as bad publicity."
Medical researchers believe that a compound in curry may fight bowel cancer. By blasting the cancer right out your ass.
In South Korea, customs agents are cracking down on smugglers bringing in capsules of powdered human flesh from China. They're just trying to protect the domestic market.
Bad news for Disney, the French theme park, Euro Disney, is reporting high losses due to higher wage costs, renovations, and the overall suckiness of Euro Disney.
The CEO of Yahoo! has been accused of fabricating part of his resume, because he apparently wanted a job at Yahoo!
And finally, Governor Paul LePage of Maine said yesterday that unemployed people need to "get up off the couch" and get a job. Also, they need to get up because that couch is being repossessed by the bank.
And that is all. See you tomorrow!
Showing posts with label yemen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label yemen. Show all posts
Monday, May 7, 2012
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 20, 2011
Knock knock.
Who's there?
A bunch of jokes.
The Phoenix area was beset recently by an enormous dust storm, which is much better than a Durst storm. Fred Durst. He sucks. Okay.
The Space Shuttle left the International Space Station for the last time yesterday to begin it's return trip to Earth. There's probably a Thelma & Louise joke in there somewhere, but I've got too much respect for the space program to make it. It's certainly not because I'm too lazy.
In other fake news, news came from DC (the comic book people, not the District of Columbia) that Superman and Lois Lane will be divorcing. But you know, statistically speaking, half of all fictional marriages end in divorce. The other half end in the Phantom Zone...
Speaking of being trapped forever in a timeless void, Rebecca Black is back with a new single, because apparently her self-esteem was starting to recover.
In more inconceivable news, Charlie Sheen has signed onto a sitcom adaptation of Anger Management, wherein he will play a psychiatrist. Isn't this kind of like casting Karen Carpenter to play Julia Child? In preparation for the role as a mental health provider, Charlie is conducting research by remaining completely batshit crazy.
Victorinox is marketing a Swiss Army USB drive, which is clearly what MacGuyver would use to transport vital files between computers. Now if only they made a digital Duct Tape data backup system...
In Pope-news, the Pope accepted the resignation this week of Philadelphia's Archbishop amid a sex-abuse-coverup-scandal. Apparently the Archbishop didn't want to relocate to a new parish.
And finally, a suspected al Qaeda leader was killed in Yemen yesterday. NewsCorp reporters have already hacked into his voicemail.
That's all! Go forth and have a great day! Come back tomorrow, when we'll have some more jokes!
And if you have a chance, go check out your town's farmers' market. You'll be surprised at what you find. Unless you live in Phoenix, in which case you'll probably just find a bunch of dust. Still better than Durst.
Who's there?
A bunch of jokes.
The Phoenix area was beset recently by an enormous dust storm, which is much better than a Durst storm. Fred Durst. He sucks. Okay.
The Space Shuttle left the International Space Station for the last time yesterday to begin it's return trip to Earth. There's probably a Thelma & Louise joke in there somewhere, but I've got too much respect for the space program to make it. It's certainly not because I'm too lazy.
In other fake news, news came from DC (the comic book people, not the District of Columbia) that Superman and Lois Lane will be divorcing. But you know, statistically speaking, half of all fictional marriages end in divorce. The other half end in the Phantom Zone...
Speaking of being trapped forever in a timeless void, Rebecca Black is back with a new single, because apparently her self-esteem was starting to recover.
In more inconceivable news, Charlie Sheen has signed onto a sitcom adaptation of Anger Management, wherein he will play a psychiatrist. Isn't this kind of like casting Karen Carpenter to play Julia Child? In preparation for the role as a mental health provider, Charlie is conducting research by remaining completely batshit crazy.
Victorinox is marketing a Swiss Army USB drive, which is clearly what MacGuyver would use to transport vital files between computers. Now if only they made a digital Duct Tape data backup system...
In Pope-news, the Pope accepted the resignation this week of Philadelphia's Archbishop amid a sex-abuse-coverup-scandal. Apparently the Archbishop didn't want to relocate to a new parish.
And finally, a suspected al Qaeda leader was killed in Yemen yesterday. NewsCorp reporters have already hacked into his voicemail.
That's all! Go forth and have a great day! Come back tomorrow, when we'll have some more jokes!
And if you have a chance, go check out your town's farmers' market. You'll be surprised at what you find. Unless you live in Phoenix, in which case you'll probably just find a bunch of dust. Still better than Durst.
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