How's your sugar hangover? A little hair of the pixie that bit ya would help. Keep the sugar flowing! Also flowing, some mad sick jokes, yo.
GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain was accused of sexual harassment recently. This could be because he patterned his behavior toward women after Leisure Suit Larry.
Comedian and television host Bill O'Reilly is writing two more books, just in case you were having trouble distinguishing which of your neighbors are douchebags.
There are now seven billion humans, which means that 7.71428571 × 10-9 percent of the Earth read my blog yesterday! WAHOO!
Andrew Madoff, son of world-class asshole Bernie Madoff, said the week that he never once suspected his father of running a Ponzi scheme. In a related story, Andrew Madoff has been cheated on by every woman he's ever dated.
A new economic report found that the world is "on verge of a new recession." This report was issued by the Institute of Stuff We Knew a Year Ago.
During the eulogy for the late Steve Jobs, his sister said "death didn't happen to Steve, he achieved it." I've never been so happy to be an underachiever.
A Spanish village is divided over whether or not to keep the "Smurf" makeover it received as part of the international promotion for the recent Smurfs film. Half of the residents want to keep the Smurfiness, while the other half aren't socially awkward children from 1984.
And finally, Jackass "star" Bam Margera's Porsche was sidewsiped recently, doing significant damage to the sports car and shaking up Margera. This is an awesome story until you realize that Bam Margera has a Porsche, and (probably) not syphilis. So, that's one more point against Karma.
Okay, that's all for me today. If you celebrate it, have a happy (?) Day of the Dead. And if not, maybe go home and watch Day of the Dead. It's a pretty sweet little movie. Otherwise, I'll see you again tomorrow for more timely hijinks. Until then, have a great day!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - October 31, 2011
Happy Halloween, everyone! Here's some tips and history for your enjoyment of this most presently happening holiday.
1. Having a Jack-o-Lantern in your car does not qualify you for the carpool lane. You need a scarecrow for that.
2. No one has ever put razorblades into apples and handed them out to trick or treaters. That's just an urban legend. But it's as good a reason as any to not eat those stupid apples.
3. Are you afraid that people won't think you're cool if you wear a costume? Relax! If you're worried about that, you're probably not cool, and people can tell. So put on a costume, loser.
4. Halloween can be traced back to ancient Ireland as a Celtic festival celebrating women dressed as slutty druids.
5. Candy corn is chemically identical to LSD.
6. Never rent a costume that has a tear in the crotch. Just trust me on that.
7. If you go bobbing for apples, it's like you're swapping spit with everyone else at the party. So you might as well go ahead and make out with everyone.
8. When you teepee a house, remember to use clean toilet paper.
That's it! Now you're ready for awesome, ghost-banishing fun! See you tomorrow! Till then, have a spooky day!
1. Having a Jack-o-Lantern in your car does not qualify you for the carpool lane. You need a scarecrow for that.
2. No one has ever put razorblades into apples and handed them out to trick or treaters. That's just an urban legend. But it's as good a reason as any to not eat those stupid apples.
3. Are you afraid that people won't think you're cool if you wear a costume? Relax! If you're worried about that, you're probably not cool, and people can tell. So put on a costume, loser.
4. Halloween can be traced back to ancient Ireland as a Celtic festival celebrating women dressed as slutty druids.
5. Candy corn is chemically identical to LSD.
6. Never rent a costume that has a tear in the crotch. Just trust me on that.
7. If you go bobbing for apples, it's like you're swapping spit with everyone else at the party. So you might as well go ahead and make out with everyone.
8. When you teepee a house, remember to use clean toilet paper.
That's it! Now you're ready for awesome, ghost-banishing fun! See you tomorrow! Till then, have a spooky day!
Friday, October 28, 2011
Fridays with Spencer: I'm starting a Cult.
Hey, give it up for Seth Joseph! Very funny man. He will be selling CD's after the show. They are just regular CD's though. His music collection is mostly digital now.
Donald Trump predicted fanning the "birther" flames is a "positive thing" for Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry. Welp, there ya have it Perry. The keys to the White House from the dude that dropped out because "fanning the birther flames" didn't work.
Trump also recently mentioned that the Occupy Wall Street movement was "cool." Nice, Trump is trying the old, "if your parents think it's cool, then it's nice" trick.
In a recent interview with EW.com, Steven Spielberg defended worst scenes in 'Indiana Jones 4. He also mentioned that fanning the "birther" flames would be a positive thing for Rick Perry.
One of the best shows on TV, Modern Family, just announced that comedian Kevin Hart will be playing the role of a new neighbor. As is often said when black people move in, "It was good while it lasted."
Exxon Mobil reported quarterly earnings of $10.3 billion on Thursday, a surge of 41% from a year earlier. That should shut those Occupy Wall Street people up!
A father accused of decapitating his son was ruled unfit for trial. But the judge ruled that he WAS fit to work at Arby's. This judge loves the thinly sliced roast beef.
I'm going to end on that morbid note. Now, please welcome back to the stage, SETH JOSEPH!
Donald Trump predicted fanning the "birther" flames is a "positive thing" for Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry. Welp, there ya have it Perry. The keys to the White House from the dude that dropped out because "fanning the birther flames" didn't work.
Trump also recently mentioned that the Occupy Wall Street movement was "cool." Nice, Trump is trying the old, "if your parents think it's cool, then it's nice" trick.
In a recent interview with EW.com, Steven Spielberg defended worst scenes in 'Indiana Jones 4. He also mentioned that fanning the "birther" flames would be a positive thing for Rick Perry.
One of the best shows on TV, Modern Family, just announced that comedian Kevin Hart will be playing the role of a new neighbor. As is often said when black people move in, "It was good while it lasted."
Exxon Mobil reported quarterly earnings of $10.3 billion on Thursday, a surge of 41% from a year earlier. That should shut those Occupy Wall Street people up!
A father accused of decapitating his son was ruled unfit for trial. But the judge ruled that he WAS fit to work at Arby's. This judge loves the thinly sliced roast beef.
I'm going to end on that morbid note. Now, please welcome back to the stage, SETH JOSEPH!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 27, 2011
Hi, everybody! Are you ready for Thursday? I damn sure am. Each Thursday brings us one week closer to the eventual cancellation of Whitney, so let's keep plugging along. I can't wait until I'm successful enough to have an awful show, too. Then finally me and Denis Leary will have something in common. Okay, enough snark. What is this, the Internet? Alright, let's see what's funny today that we won't give a crap about on Monday.
Bernie Madoff's wife revealed yesterday that after his arrest for stealing billions of dollars in a ponzi scheme, she and her husband tried to commit suicide. Well, thanks Bernie. Your association with it has finally removed any chance that anyone would ever think suicide is cool.
Speaking of sad times, reports are coming out about catastrophic morale problems among employees at Yahoo.com. The problem is worst for those employees who realize that they still work for Yahoo.com.
In entertainment news, Warner Bros will not be licensing its movies to Blockbuster for rental. Instead they will be opting for a plan where audiences are actually able to see the films.
A Federal judge in San Francisco just dismissed a class action suit against Yelp.com. Well, I know one judge who's yelp.com page is going to get some seriously great reviews.
In more legal news, family members of slain sociopath Moamar Gaddhafi (sp?) are planning to sue NATO for causing his recent death. They are going to be disappointed when they find out they don't control the courts any more. Also, Conrad Murray's legal team will be representing them.
Yesterday President Obama announced a plan to offer relief to those struggling with student loan debt. It's all part of his "hey, young people: remember when you used to like me? Come on, wouldn't it be fun to vote for me again?" campaign.
A study of population growth found that the population of the United Kingdom could reach 70m by 2027. Look out developing world, sounds like the Queen is about to get all colony-happy again.
And lastly, the Chinese government will be instituting new rules to curbing "overly entertaining" television programming from and inspired by the west, as the central government fears the population is becoming too devoted and preoccupied with entertaining television shows. NBC China will remain unchanged.
That's all! Spencer brings you jokes tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, follow me on twitter @SoonerSeth, keep reading the Late Night Morning and may your days always be great!
Bernie Madoff's wife revealed yesterday that after his arrest for stealing billions of dollars in a ponzi scheme, she and her husband tried to commit suicide. Well, thanks Bernie. Your association with it has finally removed any chance that anyone would ever think suicide is cool.
Speaking of sad times, reports are coming out about catastrophic morale problems among employees at Yahoo.com. The problem is worst for those employees who realize that they still work for Yahoo.com.
In entertainment news, Warner Bros will not be licensing its movies to Blockbuster for rental. Instead they will be opting for a plan where audiences are actually able to see the films.
A Federal judge in San Francisco just dismissed a class action suit against Yelp.com. Well, I know one judge who's yelp.com page is going to get some seriously great reviews.
In more legal news, family members of slain sociopath Moamar Gaddhafi (sp?) are planning to sue NATO for causing his recent death. They are going to be disappointed when they find out they don't control the courts any more. Also, Conrad Murray's legal team will be representing them.
Yesterday President Obama announced a plan to offer relief to those struggling with student loan debt. It's all part of his "hey, young people: remember when you used to like me? Come on, wouldn't it be fun to vote for me again?" campaign.
A study of population growth found that the population of the United Kingdom could reach 70m by 2027. Look out developing world, sounds like the Queen is about to get all colony-happy again.
And lastly, the Chinese government will be instituting new rules to curbing "overly entertaining" television programming from and inspired by the west, as the central government fears the population is becoming too devoted and preoccupied with entertaining television shows. NBC China will remain unchanged.
That's all! Spencer brings you jokes tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, follow me on twitter @SoonerSeth, keep reading the Late Night Morning and may your days always be great!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 26, 2011
Hey, guess what. I got a new computer. Hooray. Now I can more easily type "smartphone." And jokes. Let's do this.
Netflix lost over 800K subscribers in the last three months as users realized that they could still steal movies.
In Turkey, an aftershock from the recent earthquake set off a riot at a Turkish prison. Fortunately, prison officials were able to get the inmates back under control in time for the evening torture.
Speaking of torture, MTV is planning to make a reality show at the Occupy Wall Street protests in New York. Either someone at MTV has a superhuman sense of irony, or they are all morons.
In romantic news, Tara Reid said yesterday that her recent marriage was fake. You know, like breasts.
A single mother of four in England faces jail time for biting her boyfriend's testicles in a drunken fight, although we may have zeroed in on why this catch is still single. Take note, ladies: it's hard out there for a single mom. Especially when she keeps biting people's testicles.
Russian President (or Prime Minister, I can't remember which he is today) Medvedev recently took to his blog to promote the sport of badminton. Congratulations, Dimitry: you just made gawker.com seem worthwhile.
Also, Medvedev is touting badminton as a sport for those "seeking success." Although it is worth noting that in Russian "seeking success" also translates as "wanting to live in the shadow of a megalomaniacal autocrat." It's a beautiful language.
And lastly, the Center for Disease Control now recommends the HPV vaccine for 11 year-old boys, and thus ends any hope for the CDC to win the GOP presidential nomination.
That's it! I've gotta go update my iTunes. See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day.
Netflix lost over 800K subscribers in the last three months as users realized that they could still steal movies.
In Turkey, an aftershock from the recent earthquake set off a riot at a Turkish prison. Fortunately, prison officials were able to get the inmates back under control in time for the evening torture.
Speaking of torture, MTV is planning to make a reality show at the Occupy Wall Street protests in New York. Either someone at MTV has a superhuman sense of irony, or they are all morons.
In romantic news, Tara Reid said yesterday that her recent marriage was fake. You know, like breasts.
A single mother of four in England faces jail time for biting her boyfriend's testicles in a drunken fight, although we may have zeroed in on why this catch is still single. Take note, ladies: it's hard out there for a single mom. Especially when she keeps biting people's testicles.
Russian President (or Prime Minister, I can't remember which he is today) Medvedev recently took to his blog to promote the sport of badminton. Congratulations, Dimitry: you just made gawker.com seem worthwhile.
Also, Medvedev is touting badminton as a sport for those "seeking success." Although it is worth noting that in Russian "seeking success" also translates as "wanting to live in the shadow of a megalomaniacal autocrat." It's a beautiful language.
And lastly, the Center for Disease Control now recommends the HPV vaccine for 11 year-old boys, and thus ends any hope for the CDC to win the GOP presidential nomination.
That's it! I've gotta go update my iTunes. See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 25, 2011
It's day two of my epic struggle with my laptop, and I'm finally getting the hang of this whole smartphone typing thing. For instance, it only took me three tries to type the word "smartphone." Yay. Here's some jokes.
The former king of Romania, King Michael I, addressed the country's parliament for the first time since he abdicated in 1947. In a related story, no one gives a damn when you visit the Waffle House you got fired from in high school.
Eddie Murphy talked yesterday about how nervous he is to host next year's Oscars. He's worried about living up to the historic quality of the ceremony, because he's apparently never seen it.
President Obama visited Los Angeles yesterday, bringing rush hour traffic to a total standstill. Or as locals call it: traffic.
The New Jersey city of West New York will be hosting a Grand Prix event next year. It's a departure from the normal experience of driving like hell to get a far away from West New York as possible.
This week a judge finalized the divorce between Christina Milian and songwriter/producer The-Dream. The marriage was doomed as soon as Milian learned that yes, he was totally serious about being called The-Dream.
A man flying from Los Angeles to Portland inadvertently packed a loaded gun in his carry-on baggage. TSA screeners didn't spot it, strangely enough, because the gun wasn't a Muslim.
A personal trainer recently set out to gain 70 pounds of fat to better understand his clients and the challenges they face. Lucky for him he's not a rape crisis counselor.
And finally, Rick Perry now says he doesn't know if President Obama's birth certificate is real or not. So that's one more thing that President Obama's birth certificate has in common with science.
Okay, that's the end. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
The former king of Romania, King Michael I, addressed the country's parliament for the first time since he abdicated in 1947. In a related story, no one gives a damn when you visit the Waffle House you got fired from in high school.
Eddie Murphy talked yesterday about how nervous he is to host next year's Oscars. He's worried about living up to the historic quality of the ceremony, because he's apparently never seen it.
President Obama visited Los Angeles yesterday, bringing rush hour traffic to a total standstill. Or as locals call it: traffic.
The New Jersey city of West New York will be hosting a Grand Prix event next year. It's a departure from the normal experience of driving like hell to get a far away from West New York as possible.
This week a judge finalized the divorce between Christina Milian and songwriter/producer The-Dream. The marriage was doomed as soon as Milian learned that yes, he was totally serious about being called The-Dream.
A man flying from Los Angeles to Portland inadvertently packed a loaded gun in his carry-on baggage. TSA screeners didn't spot it, strangely enough, because the gun wasn't a Muslim.
A personal trainer recently set out to gain 70 pounds of fat to better understand his clients and the challenges they face. Lucky for him he's not a rape crisis counselor.
And finally, Rick Perry now says he doesn't know if President Obama's birth certificate is real or not. So that's one more thing that President Obama's birth certificate has in common with science.
Okay, that's the end. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - October 24, 2011
I'm writing this on my phone due to a disagreement between me and my computer. You can guess how that is going. As such, there will be no banter today. It's a sad affair, I know. Well, we soldier on. With jokes!
Yesterday, Broncos quarterback and mega-Christian Tim Tebow rallied the Broncos to a narrow victory over the Dolphins, proving once again that God hates Miami.
John Mayer is recovering from throat surgery. Since he can't talk, and he gave up Twitter, he's been forced to convey his douche baggy-ness through handwritten letters. Much classier.
Ron Paul wants to end Federal student loan assistance, because it puts young people into debt, which is something the private sector can do much more efficiently.
Ryan Reynolds just turned 35, meaning his days as a Hollywood sex symbol are almost over. Wait, no, he's not a woman. False alarm.
Rupert Murdoch is set to address the NewsCorp shareholders meeting, and insiders are expecting some serious arguments and drama, based on the notes they've managed to download from his computer.
Halloween is coming up, and the most popular costume for women is "Pregnant Bella" from the Twilight novels. For a cheaper version, stuff a pillow under your shirt, sprinkle glitter in your crotch, and start dating a sad little emo douche bag.
The final Old Time Radio convention was held for golden age radio enthusiasts. The convention has been discontinued due to a lack of interest. The cancellation was announced via telegraph.
And finally, NBC Sports is relocating from New York City to Connecticut, presumably to take advantage of the great tax breaks for failure.
And that it's all. See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Yesterday, Broncos quarterback and mega-Christian Tim Tebow rallied the Broncos to a narrow victory over the Dolphins, proving once again that God hates Miami.
John Mayer is recovering from throat surgery. Since he can't talk, and he gave up Twitter, he's been forced to convey his douche baggy-ness through handwritten letters. Much classier.
Ron Paul wants to end Federal student loan assistance, because it puts young people into debt, which is something the private sector can do much more efficiently.
Ryan Reynolds just turned 35, meaning his days as a Hollywood sex symbol are almost over. Wait, no, he's not a woman. False alarm.
Rupert Murdoch is set to address the NewsCorp shareholders meeting, and insiders are expecting some serious arguments and drama, based on the notes they've managed to download from his computer.
Halloween is coming up, and the most popular costume for women is "Pregnant Bella" from the Twilight novels. For a cheaper version, stuff a pillow under your shirt, sprinkle glitter in your crotch, and start dating a sad little emo douche bag.
The final Old Time Radio convention was held for golden age radio enthusiasts. The convention has been discontinued due to a lack of interest. The cancellation was announced via telegraph.
And finally, NBC Sports is relocating from New York City to Connecticut, presumably to take advantage of the great tax breaks for failure.
And that it's all. See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Friday, October 21, 2011
Fridays with Spencer: Speed Horse!
Hello friends. How bout this weather? How is your sports team doing? Oh, very nice. Have you lost weight? You look good. I would kill for your figure. Literally. I would murders someone to have your look. Do you know who I need to kill? Just give me a name, I'll let Google take it from there. Seriously, someone is about to give their life, just so I can stop eating Activia for breakfast.
Muhaboroda Gahdafi/Gadaffi was yesterday. And yet the world is still less safe then when we had W and the GOP on the watch. Damn you Obama, you just can't win.
Presidential contender Herman Cain, said he "grew up 'po'. He was so poor he couldn't even afford the "O" and "R" to create a word.
Rapper MC Hammer is starting his own search engine. It's to be called, "WireDoo" and unlike Google, it won't have any results about how terrible his music was.
Goldman Sachs has set aside $10 billion for staff pay so far this year, or roughly $292,000 per employee. In protest the Occupy Wall Street people took turns pooping and showering in the restrooms of small business.
Ford now has a feature where the car will read your texts to you. David Hasselhoff has been seen texting himself as he solves crimes.
"Rush Hour" star Chris Tucker's $6 million Florida mansion is in foreclosure, with more than $4.4 million owed to the bank, reports the Orlando Sentinel. You can take the house, but NEVER touch a black mans stereo.
OK, that last one was lame. Sorry. Thanks for reading and have a great weekend! Kisses.
Muhaboroda Gahdafi/Gadaffi was yesterday. And yet the world is still less safe then when we had W and the GOP on the watch. Damn you Obama, you just can't win.
Presidential contender Herman Cain, said he "grew up 'po'. He was so poor he couldn't even afford the "O" and "R" to create a word.
Rapper MC Hammer is starting his own search engine. It's to be called, "WireDoo" and unlike Google, it won't have any results about how terrible his music was.
Goldman Sachs has set aside $10 billion for staff pay so far this year, or roughly $292,000 per employee. In protest the Occupy Wall Street people took turns pooping and showering in the restrooms of small business.
Ford now has a feature where the car will read your texts to you. David Hasselhoff has been seen texting himself as he solves crimes.
"Rush Hour" star Chris Tucker's $6 million Florida mansion is in foreclosure, with more than $4.4 million owed to the bank, reports the Orlando Sentinel. You can take the house, but NEVER touch a black mans stereo.
OK, that last one was lame. Sorry. Thanks for reading and have a great weekend! Kisses.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 20, 2011
Let's make Thursday awesome, okay? OKAY!
Arnold Schwarzenegger is back to acting again. Let's see if he can act like someone who makes good decisions.
Hallmark just added job loss cards to its line of products. Well, at least someone got a job out of it.
In television news, Monday's GOP debate drew more viewers than NBC's The Biggest Loser, so don't be surprised if Anna Kournikova has to spend all of next week's episode defending her ridiculous flat-tax proposal.
Leonard Cohen is set to release a new album this year because "people are too happy these days."
Social Security recipients will get a 3.6% raise next year, which means the GDP of Florida is about to skyrocket.
A Chinese school was recently ordered to stop forcing poorly-behaved students to wear green scarves as punishment. Instead, they'll go back to the old system: sending the kids to America.
Herman Cain said yesterday that he could see a situation where he would need to negotiate with terrorists. Yeah, we know. The Tea Party loves you.
And lastly, George Clooney said this week that he won't run for office. Too bad. Just imagine what kind of tail he could get if he... oh, right. Never mind, George.
And that's what I'm closing with. Maybe Spencer has something better for you tomorrow? Yeah, probably so. And I'll be back on Monday! Till then, have a great day.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is back to acting again. Let's see if he can act like someone who makes good decisions.
Hallmark just added job loss cards to its line of products. Well, at least someone got a job out of it.
In television news, Monday's GOP debate drew more viewers than NBC's The Biggest Loser, so don't be surprised if Anna Kournikova has to spend all of next week's episode defending her ridiculous flat-tax proposal.
Leonard Cohen is set to release a new album this year because "people are too happy these days."
Social Security recipients will get a 3.6% raise next year, which means the GDP of Florida is about to skyrocket.
A Chinese school was recently ordered to stop forcing poorly-behaved students to wear green scarves as punishment. Instead, they'll go back to the old system: sending the kids to America.
Herman Cain said yesterday that he could see a situation where he would need to negotiate with terrorists. Yeah, we know. The Tea Party loves you.
And lastly, George Clooney said this week that he won't run for office. Too bad. Just imagine what kind of tail he could get if he... oh, right. Never mind, George.
And that's what I'm closing with. Maybe Spencer has something better for you tomorrow? Yeah, probably so. And I'll be back on Monday! Till then, have a great day.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 19, 2011
Welcome to the mid-week awesome blast! Whoo, I'm tired. Alright.
At the GOP debate last night, Herman Cain blamed America's economic troubles on the unemployed, eliciting cheers of approval from the audience. It's not surprising that they would react like that, though. After all, I'd probably cheer if someone mentioned me on TV.
U.S. lawmakers are trying to ban tobacco products from this year's World Series broadcasts in the hopes that young children won't be encouraged to try tobacco products. Steroids are still cool, though.
Not cool, however, is Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi. Jewish and Catholic groups are up in arms over this affront, pointing out that it's actually been decades since he was a Nazi. You know who else is upset by this? People who take grammar way too seriously.
Remember that NYPD supervisor who pepper sprayed those ladies at the Occupy Wall Street rally a few weeks ago? He's facing some disciplinary action over the incident, and may be losing 10 vacation days as a result. Seems like a good idea. Let's put this guy back on the street as soon as possible, and also make it harder for him to relax, because he's obviously not stressed out already. Yep, this is going to work out just fine.
In happier news, Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit was freed from Hamas captivity after 5 years of confinement. Welcome home, Gilad. Psst! Nobody tell him how LOST ended!
Scientists are close to a Malaria vaccine, thereby erasing the only cool thing about having Sickle Cell Anemia. Way to go, science.
A new biography of Vincent Van Gogh proposes that the famed painter was accidentally shot to death by rude teenagers, not as a result of suicide. The case will be dramatized in an upcoming episode of CSI: Louvre.
And finally, law enforcement officials report that Mexican drug cartels are recruiting Texas children as young as 11 into the cartels. See, Mexico? It's not so cool when people start taking your jobs.
Okay, that's the end for today. But tomorrow is a new beginning, right?
Right. Till then, have a great day!
At the GOP debate last night, Herman Cain blamed America's economic troubles on the unemployed, eliciting cheers of approval from the audience. It's not surprising that they would react like that, though. After all, I'd probably cheer if someone mentioned me on TV.
U.S. lawmakers are trying to ban tobacco products from this year's World Series broadcasts in the hopes that young children won't be encouraged to try tobacco products. Steroids are still cool, though.
Not cool, however, is Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi. Jewish and Catholic groups are up in arms over this affront, pointing out that it's actually been decades since he was a Nazi. You know who else is upset by this? People who take grammar way too seriously.
Remember that NYPD supervisor who pepper sprayed those ladies at the Occupy Wall Street rally a few weeks ago? He's facing some disciplinary action over the incident, and may be losing 10 vacation days as a result. Seems like a good idea. Let's put this guy back on the street as soon as possible, and also make it harder for him to relax, because he's obviously not stressed out already. Yep, this is going to work out just fine.
In happier news, Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit was freed from Hamas captivity after 5 years of confinement. Welcome home, Gilad. Psst! Nobody tell him how LOST ended!
Scientists are close to a Malaria vaccine, thereby erasing the only cool thing about having Sickle Cell Anemia. Way to go, science.
A new biography of Vincent Van Gogh proposes that the famed painter was accidentally shot to death by rude teenagers, not as a result of suicide. The case will be dramatized in an upcoming episode of CSI: Louvre.
And finally, law enforcement officials report that Mexican drug cartels are recruiting Texas children as young as 11 into the cartels. See, Mexico? It's not so cool when people start taking your jobs.
Okay, that's the end for today. But tomorrow is a new beginning, right?
Right. Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 18, 2011
This is Tuesday. Are you ready for it? Sure hope so, because you're hip deep in it now. But as a reward, you get some jokes.
In the midst of a messy divorce, LA Dodgers co-owner Frank McCourt got full ownership of the team this week. Man, just when you think things can't get worse for a guy...
Also in LA, someone stole a bunch of handguns and submachine guns from an LAPD SWAT training site. Police are on the lookout for criminals having trouble walking due to their freakishly huge balls.
In other medical oddities, rumors are flying in Venezuela that Hugo Chavez has only two years to live. But then again, he's always had trouble with term limits.
What about the GOP presidential race? It turns out that Herman Cain's tax plan is actually the default setting from the computer game SimCity. Also, Cain revealed this week that he thinks America doesn't have enough Power Pellets to deal with all the ghosts that keep chasing us around town.
In fast-food news, McDonald's announced plans to launch an in-store television channel. Next up: in-store underfunded education. It's all part of their new "Watch Us Destroy America" campaign.
Blackberry offered free applications to users to make up for last week's outage. Those apps will come in handy the next time their network goes down, too.
At a recent awards reception, actor Robert Downey Jr. plead for Hollywood to forgive Mel Gibson and let him make his art. This can only mean one thing: Robert Downey Jr. is planning a relapse.
And finally, Sonic Youth co-founders Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon announced they are getting divorced, because even they can't stand to listen to themselves. In a statement, Moore and Gordon said of the divorce, "our fans may not understand it now, but hopefully in a few years someone really cool that they know will say what a good divorce it was, and you'll give it another chance."
Okay, that's it. Let's do this again tomorrow, okay? Till then, have a great day!
Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEB! Hope your day is awesome, big brother.
In the midst of a messy divorce, LA Dodgers co-owner Frank McCourt got full ownership of the team this week. Man, just when you think things can't get worse for a guy...
Also in LA, someone stole a bunch of handguns and submachine guns from an LAPD SWAT training site. Police are on the lookout for criminals having trouble walking due to their freakishly huge balls.
In other medical oddities, rumors are flying in Venezuela that Hugo Chavez has only two years to live. But then again, he's always had trouble with term limits.
What about the GOP presidential race? It turns out that Herman Cain's tax plan is actually the default setting from the computer game SimCity. Also, Cain revealed this week that he thinks America doesn't have enough Power Pellets to deal with all the ghosts that keep chasing us around town.
In fast-food news, McDonald's announced plans to launch an in-store television channel. Next up: in-store underfunded education. It's all part of their new "Watch Us Destroy America" campaign.
Blackberry offered free applications to users to make up for last week's outage. Those apps will come in handy the next time their network goes down, too.
At a recent awards reception, actor Robert Downey Jr. plead for Hollywood to forgive Mel Gibson and let him make his art. This can only mean one thing: Robert Downey Jr. is planning a relapse.
And finally, Sonic Youth co-founders Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon announced they are getting divorced, because even they can't stand to listen to themselves. In a statement, Moore and Gordon said of the divorce, "our fans may not understand it now, but hopefully in a few years someone really cool that they know will say what a good divorce it was, and you'll give it another chance."
Okay, that's it. Let's do this again tomorrow, okay? Till then, have a great day!
Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEB! Hope your day is awesome, big brother.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - October 17, 2011
If you're like me, then I understand your pain. Also, you are keenly aware that the second season of The Walking Dead premiered last night, and that as fictional apocalypses go, it's a pretty good one. In honor of this artistic achievement and the fact that I really don't feel like making myself aware enough of the news this weekend in order to mock our world, I'm bringing you the eight things you need to know about the (fictional) zombie apocalypse.
1. The last remaining piece of human civilization remaining after the zombie apocalypse will be The Weather Channel.
2. Zombies will never appreciate how cool a shotgun sounds when you cock it. And that is just sad.
3. If you ever find Michael Jordan's head on the ground, look out. You're about to get attacked.
4. Zombies cannot drive, which is just one more thing they have in common with New Yorkers.
5. When zombies feed, they rarely if ever remember to floss.
6. If you're in the midst of a zombie outbreak, be sure to wear something nice, but also comfortable. Because after you get turned into a zombie, that's what you'll be stuck wearing for all eternity. Ironic t-shirts are to be avoided at all cost.
7. A zombie will never pay you back that money you lent it.
8. And finally, don't shoot Bob Dole. He's not actually a zombie. Yet.
Alright, that's all I've got. Hope you appreciate the weirdness. We'll be back to hard-hitting anti-journalism tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!
1. The last remaining piece of human civilization remaining after the zombie apocalypse will be The Weather Channel.
2. Zombies will never appreciate how cool a shotgun sounds when you cock it. And that is just sad.
3. If you ever find Michael Jordan's head on the ground, look out. You're about to get attacked.
4. Zombies cannot drive, which is just one more thing they have in common with New Yorkers.
5. When zombies feed, they rarely if ever remember to floss.
6. If you're in the midst of a zombie outbreak, be sure to wear something nice, but also comfortable. Because after you get turned into a zombie, that's what you'll be stuck wearing for all eternity. Ironic t-shirts are to be avoided at all cost.
7. A zombie will never pay you back that money you lent it.
8. And finally, don't shoot Bob Dole. He's not actually a zombie. Yet.
Alright, that's all I've got. Hope you appreciate the weirdness. We'll be back to hard-hitting anti-journalism tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Fridays with Spencer: Check yourself for Glitter
Goooood day, friends! It's Friday, so that's good news. Did Seth tell you about the Blackberry outage? He did? Sorry, I was busy having to pay attention to my surroundings. I recently did a commercial for an Oklahoma strip club. If you're good, I'll post it for you, until then... JOKES:
A man who placed third in the U.K. Kielder Marathon has confessed to taking a bus to the finish line from the 20-mile mark, the Telegraph reports. Proving that people will do anything to get one of those 26.2 stickers.
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said, "I wouldn't be the best No. 2." Which is clearly a shot at Herman Cain, since he looks the most like a turd.
Sports Illustrated conducted an NFL wide poll to find out who the players thought was the meanest player. The winner was James Harrison, who is actually very nice when you give him an ice-cold Coca-Cola.
The Sony Playstation Network has been hacked again. But this time the hackers only accessed information from one-half of one percent of PSN users. Hey hackers, why don't you focus on getting us sex tapes?
OK, you guys were super good. So, here is your reward:
A man who placed third in the U.K. Kielder Marathon has confessed to taking a bus to the finish line from the 20-mile mark, the Telegraph reports. Proving that people will do anything to get one of those 26.2 stickers.
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said, "I wouldn't be the best No. 2." Which is clearly a shot at Herman Cain, since he looks the most like a turd.
Sports Illustrated conducted an NFL wide poll to find out who the players thought was the meanest player. The winner was James Harrison, who is actually very nice when you give him an ice-cold Coca-Cola.
The Sony Playstation Network has been hacked again. But this time the hackers only accessed information from one-half of one percent of PSN users. Hey hackers, why don't you focus on getting us sex tapes?
OK, you guys were super good. So, here is your reward:
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 13, 2011
It's finally Thursday, everyone! No sketch this week, just some good old fashioned topical humor. "Enjoy!"
Yesterday, email service on the popular Blackberry devices went down for several hours, forcing angry customers to actually pay attention to their surroundings and, in some dire circumstances, children.
In happier news, the Chrysler Motor Company reached a labor agreement with the United Auto Workers union, keeping them on the job and averting a strike. In a rare double-whammy agreement, the UAW also agreed to play the first two weeks of games for the NBA season this year.
In Detroit, the so-called "Underpants bomber" plead guilty at trial yesterday. He remained defiant, however. When asked if he had any regrets about the attempted bombing, he told the judge to "blow it out your ass."
Medical news: scientists have recreated the genetic code of the Black Death, the virulent form of bubonic plague that killed a third of Europe's population several hundred years ago. Said one scientist, "pretty cool, right? Not sure what we're going to do with it. Man, sure hope that beaker doesn't fall over and break. Am I right!?"
Musician and poet Bob Dylan is taking up the bagpipes. A piece of advice: please don't go electric with this one.
The celebrity gossip blog TMZ is now offering a shame tour of Los Angeles for only $49. The bus tour will take tourists through all disgusting, sordid stories of Hollywood. It will also, quite likely, serve as a taxi service for Charlie Sheen.
Sony recalled some of their flatscreen TVs after owners noticed the units started smoking. Sony is investigating the problem, but early rumors attribute the problem to "peer pressure."
And lastly, a Google software engineer ripped the Google+ social networking platform, calling it a "complete failure." Fortunately he did it on Google+, so no one saw it.
And so it ends for me this week. Come back for some Spencer Hicks goodness tomorrow. I'll be back on Monday.
Til then, have a great day!
Yesterday, email service on the popular Blackberry devices went down for several hours, forcing angry customers to actually pay attention to their surroundings and, in some dire circumstances, children.
In happier news, the Chrysler Motor Company reached a labor agreement with the United Auto Workers union, keeping them on the job and averting a strike. In a rare double-whammy agreement, the UAW also agreed to play the first two weeks of games for the NBA season this year.
In Detroit, the so-called "Underpants bomber" plead guilty at trial yesterday. He remained defiant, however. When asked if he had any regrets about the attempted bombing, he told the judge to "blow it out your ass."
Medical news: scientists have recreated the genetic code of the Black Death, the virulent form of bubonic plague that killed a third of Europe's population several hundred years ago. Said one scientist, "pretty cool, right? Not sure what we're going to do with it. Man, sure hope that beaker doesn't fall over and break. Am I right!?"
Musician and poet Bob Dylan is taking up the bagpipes. A piece of advice: please don't go electric with this one.
The celebrity gossip blog TMZ is now offering a shame tour of Los Angeles for only $49. The bus tour will take tourists through all disgusting, sordid stories of Hollywood. It will also, quite likely, serve as a taxi service for Charlie Sheen.
Sony recalled some of their flatscreen TVs after owners noticed the units started smoking. Sony is investigating the problem, but early rumors attribute the problem to "peer pressure."
And lastly, a Google software engineer ripped the Google+ social networking platform, calling it a "complete failure." Fortunately he did it on Google+, so no one saw it.
And so it ends for me this week. Come back for some Spencer Hicks goodness tomorrow. I'll be back on Monday.
Til then, have a great day!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 12, 2011
Hi everybody. I'm all bantered out right now. So let's just have some jokes.
In an interview this week, tennis star and fitness guru Anna Kournikova said she may never marry her longtime beau, Enrique Iglesias. Finally, something she and I have in common.
In political news, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie endorsed Mitt Romney for the GOP presidential nomination yesterday, which will make the campaign more difficult for Governor Christie when he eventually decides to run this year.
In happier news, model/actress Naomi Nelson and actor/stuntman Johnny Knoxville welcomed their first daughter, Arlo, this week. Her birth was overseen by a midget in a giant dog costume filled with snakes. And they were all on fire.
Former LOST star Evangeline Lilly said this week that when she gave birth, she was in labor for 30 hours straight. She said she didn't mind, though, because after all that time and emotional investment there was a great payoff. She was unfamiliar with that sensation before.
In other baby news, Brooklyn artist Marni Kotak is planning to give birth at an art gallery, in front of an audience. No word yet which gallery will host that child's eventual psychotherapy.
Wal-Mart unveiled a new Facebook app designed to give users detailed information about deals at their nearest Wal-Mart store. The app was programmed, of course, in China.
Tracy Morgan went on the Late Show and told host David Letterman this week that the uproar over his homophobic jokes in concert this summer was a "big, big misunderstanding." He went on to explain "yeah, gay people aren't very smart. So of course they misunderstood. What? No, don't edit this out!"
And finally, a Texas man was arrested for hitting his wife because she didn't "Like" his Facebook status update. In her defense, his status update was "About to hit my wife in teh face! #winning!" As a result of the attack, he'll be spending some time in prison, where he will probably get "Poked." Maybe even "Super Poked."
Yeah, I'm not sure how to feel about that one. Whatever. It's a numbers game. No one bats 1.000. Unless they get a hit their first at bat and then retire. Maybe it's happened once, but where's the fun in that? Anyway, that's all for now! Come back tomorrow, why don't you?
Till then, have a great day!
In an interview this week, tennis star and fitness guru Anna Kournikova said she may never marry her longtime beau, Enrique Iglesias. Finally, something she and I have in common.
In political news, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie endorsed Mitt Romney for the GOP presidential nomination yesterday, which will make the campaign more difficult for Governor Christie when he eventually decides to run this year.
In happier news, model/actress Naomi Nelson and actor/stuntman Johnny Knoxville welcomed their first daughter, Arlo, this week. Her birth was overseen by a midget in a giant dog costume filled with snakes. And they were all on fire.
Former LOST star Evangeline Lilly said this week that when she gave birth, she was in labor for 30 hours straight. She said she didn't mind, though, because after all that time and emotional investment there was a great payoff. She was unfamiliar with that sensation before.
In other baby news, Brooklyn artist Marni Kotak is planning to give birth at an art gallery, in front of an audience. No word yet which gallery will host that child's eventual psychotherapy.
Wal-Mart unveiled a new Facebook app designed to give users detailed information about deals at their nearest Wal-Mart store. The app was programmed, of course, in China.
Tracy Morgan went on the Late Show and told host David Letterman this week that the uproar over his homophobic jokes in concert this summer was a "big, big misunderstanding." He went on to explain "yeah, gay people aren't very smart. So of course they misunderstood. What? No, don't edit this out!"
And finally, a Texas man was arrested for hitting his wife because she didn't "Like" his Facebook status update. In her defense, his status update was "About to hit my wife in teh face! #winning!" As a result of the attack, he'll be spending some time in prison, where he will probably get "Poked." Maybe even "Super Poked."
Yeah, I'm not sure how to feel about that one. Whatever. It's a numbers game. No one bats 1.000. Unless they get a hit their first at bat and then retire. Maybe it's happened once, but where's the fun in that? Anyway, that's all for now! Come back tomorrow, why don't you?
Till then, have a great day!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 11, 2011
Did anyone else hear Nancy Grace fart on Dancing with the Stars? Well I did, and now I demand that Auto-Tune The News make a song out of it. Anybody else? Okay, maybe not. If that does happen, I wouldn't complain. That's no joke. But these are:
I saw that the Justice Department sent out subpoenas related to the ATF's ill-fated Operation Fast and Furious. Sadly, Operation Transformers 2 remains unprosecuted.
Kanye West visited the Occupy Wall Street protest yesterday, so now we know where the world's next great protest song will be coming from.
In News Corp news, insiders say that Rupert Murdoch may be voted off the News Corp board of directors because of the embarrassing phone-hacking scandal that plagued the company this year. His only hope against getting voted off now is to win the next immunity challenge.
Facebook just released a dedicated application for the iPad, thus putting to rest any fears that the iPad would be used to increase productivity.
Remember that douchebag Joe the Plumber? He's running for Congress now. In a statement from the campaign, Joe said he was excited that Congressmen "don't have to pass some stupid certification class." The statement was written in crayon.
In China, the Chinese government closed 17 Wal-Mart stores for mislabeling pork as organic. Said one regulator "yeah, what kind of country would let a store get away with selling substandard products like that?"
In other business news, Netflix flip-flopped yesterday, announcing that it would not spin off its DVD rental site as a separate company called Qwikster. However, since they already bought the domain name, the company will use the website to sell "male enhancement pills."
A recent study shows that altruism in the workplace is seen as weakness while aggression and selfishness show strength, according to the National Institute of the Assholes at your Office.
Gonorrhea is becoming resistant to current treatments and may soon be incurable. Look for that bit of information in the next fundraising letter sent out by the Clinton Global Initiative.
Hank Williams Jr. wrote a song about Fox and Friends and ESPN and no one cares.
In middle schools, locker decorations such as magnetic wallpaper, shag rugs and chandeliers are now popular with students who have never heard of drugs.
Remember Libya? Well, Libyan forces are advancing through Gadhafi's hometown, taking several prominent landmarks in an attempt to earn the coup d'état badge on FourSquare.
And finally, China just marked the 100th anniversary of the People's Revolution, which ended thousands of years of brutal repression from dynastic emperors and replaced it with a century of brutal repression from the Communist party. But at least they've got Wal-Mart under control.
That's all for now, kiddos. Hope you enjoyed the extra long I-was-home-from-work-sized post today. Should I have saved some for tomorrow? Maybe, but that's not how I roll. Come back tomorrow to see more examples of my rolling. Till then, have a great day!
I saw that the Justice Department sent out subpoenas related to the ATF's ill-fated Operation Fast and Furious. Sadly, Operation Transformers 2 remains unprosecuted.
Kanye West visited the Occupy Wall Street protest yesterday, so now we know where the world's next great protest song will be coming from.
In News Corp news, insiders say that Rupert Murdoch may be voted off the News Corp board of directors because of the embarrassing phone-hacking scandal that plagued the company this year. His only hope against getting voted off now is to win the next immunity challenge.
Facebook just released a dedicated application for the iPad, thus putting to rest any fears that the iPad would be used to increase productivity.
Remember that douchebag Joe the Plumber? He's running for Congress now. In a statement from the campaign, Joe said he was excited that Congressmen "don't have to pass some stupid certification class." The statement was written in crayon.
In China, the Chinese government closed 17 Wal-Mart stores for mislabeling pork as organic. Said one regulator "yeah, what kind of country would let a store get away with selling substandard products like that?"
In other business news, Netflix flip-flopped yesterday, announcing that it would not spin off its DVD rental site as a separate company called Qwikster. However, since they already bought the domain name, the company will use the website to sell "male enhancement pills."
A recent study shows that altruism in the workplace is seen as weakness while aggression and selfishness show strength, according to the National Institute of the Assholes at your Office.
Gonorrhea is becoming resistant to current treatments and may soon be incurable. Look for that bit of information in the next fundraising letter sent out by the Clinton Global Initiative.
Hank Williams Jr. wrote a song about Fox and Friends and ESPN and no one cares.
In middle schools, locker decorations such as magnetic wallpaper, shag rugs and chandeliers are now popular with students who have never heard of drugs.
Remember Libya? Well, Libyan forces are advancing through Gadhafi's hometown, taking several prominent landmarks in an attempt to earn the coup d'état badge on FourSquare.
And finally, China just marked the 100th anniversary of the People's Revolution, which ended thousands of years of brutal repression from dynastic emperors and replaced it with a century of brutal repression from the Communist party. But at least they've got Wal-Mart under control.
That's all for now, kiddos. Hope you enjoyed the extra long I-was-home-from-work-sized post today. Should I have saved some for tomorrow? Maybe, but that's not how I roll. Come back tomorrow to see more examples of my rolling. Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - October 10, 2011
Guess what? I have today off, because it's Columbus Day. As such, I thought it only fair that we examine this historical enigma. So, here's the eight things you should know about Christopher Columbus.
* There's a new television series in the works based upon the life of Christopher Columbus. He's a detective who gets hired to solve one crime, then ends up stumbling into another one without realizing it, and then kills a bunch of people on a tropical island.
* Columbus' name has graced cities, countries, and schools of all types, but never a fully-sanctioned professional wrestler with the WWE. What's up with that?
* If Columbus were alive today, he would be incredibly old.
* Even in Columbus' day, people who believed the earth was flat were considered very, very stupid.
* On his first trip to the New World, Columbus sailed with three ships, because he rolled deep.
* No verified portraits of Christopher Columbus exist, presumably because he was just too damn ugly to paint.
* Were it not for Columbus, the capital of Ohio might well have been Leif Ericsonville. Also, there would probably be a lot more indigenous people living in North America.
* Christopher Columbus never reached Asia, a fact for which asians must be extremely grateful.
Okay, that's all for now. Let's all go read some Howard Zinn and think about Thanksgiving. I'll be back tomorrow with jokes about stuff that's happened more recently than 1500 AD. Till then, have a great day!
* There's a new television series in the works based upon the life of Christopher Columbus. He's a detective who gets hired to solve one crime, then ends up stumbling into another one without realizing it, and then kills a bunch of people on a tropical island.
* Columbus' name has graced cities, countries, and schools of all types, but never a fully-sanctioned professional wrestler with the WWE. What's up with that?
* If Columbus were alive today, he would be incredibly old.
* Even in Columbus' day, people who believed the earth was flat were considered very, very stupid.
* On his first trip to the New World, Columbus sailed with three ships, because he rolled deep.
* No verified portraits of Christopher Columbus exist, presumably because he was just too damn ugly to paint.
* Were it not for Columbus, the capital of Ohio might well have been Leif Ericsonville. Also, there would probably be a lot more indigenous people living in North America.
* Christopher Columbus never reached Asia, a fact for which asians must be extremely grateful.
Okay, that's all for now. Let's all go read some Howard Zinn and think about Thanksgiving. I'll be back tomorrow with jokes about stuff that's happened more recently than 1500 AD. Till then, have a great day!
Friday, October 7, 2011
Fridays with Spencer: The Toilet Water is Calling from INSIDE the House
Happy Friday! Boy, it has been a week. My friend "Stinky" Pete invited me to the local football game this weekend, but I couldn't go. I assume he will take "Mild Lupus" Rick in my place. Man, they aren't going to have any fun at all! Anywho, to the jokes!
Steve Jobs passed away, so in his honor, the Genius Bar was at half staff.
In a CNN article, the headline was, "Steve Jobs put a Dent in the Universe." And also a dent in JCrew's black turtleneck section.
GOP Presidential candidate, Herman Cain said about the Occupy Wall Street protests: "Don't blame Wall Street. Don't blame the big banks. If you don't have a job and you're not rich, blame yourself." Words that ring true with Republicans that aren't going to vote for him because he's black.
Good news! ESPN the Magazine's "Body Issue" is out. With famous athletes posing nude! So now you can play, "Should I feel guilty about this erection?" You know, because the chicks look like dudes...
Well, The Simpsons is asking it's producers and voice-actors to take a pay cut of up to 40%, claiming the show is not sustainable. In other news Bank of America is now running The Simpsons.
Speaking of BoA, Bank of America's CEO defended his bank's new $5 fee on debit cards on Wednesday, saying that customers and shareholders understand the bank has a "right to make a profit." Sure you do, but you make a profit on the money people give you, the credit cards, the mortgages, the dividends, the investments, you don't need to TAKE money from people when they have been giving it to you.
Dr. Conrad Murray's lawyer suggested Thursday that a coroner's investigator made "substantial mistakes" during the Michael Jackson probe. Heck, Michael Jackson's probe is so easy, a child could use it.
I'm going to end on that. Have a great weekend! Seth is back Monday.
Steve Jobs passed away, so in his honor, the Genius Bar was at half staff.
In a CNN article, the headline was, "Steve Jobs put a Dent in the Universe." And also a dent in JCrew's black turtleneck section.
GOP Presidential candidate, Herman Cain said about the Occupy Wall Street protests: "Don't blame Wall Street. Don't blame the big banks. If you don't have a job and you're not rich, blame yourself." Words that ring true with Republicans that aren't going to vote for him because he's black.
Good news! ESPN the Magazine's "Body Issue" is out. With famous athletes posing nude! So now you can play, "Should I feel guilty about this erection?" You know, because the chicks look like dudes...
Well, The Simpsons is asking it's producers and voice-actors to take a pay cut of up to 40%, claiming the show is not sustainable. In other news Bank of America is now running The Simpsons.
Speaking of BoA, Bank of America's CEO defended his bank's new $5 fee on debit cards on Wednesday, saying that customers and shareholders understand the bank has a "right to make a profit." Sure you do, but you make a profit on the money people give you, the credit cards, the mortgages, the dividends, the investments, you don't need to TAKE money from people when they have been giving it to you.
Dr. Conrad Murray's lawyer suggested Thursday that a coroner's investigator made "substantial mistakes" during the Michael Jackson probe. Heck, Michael Jackson's probe is so easy, a child could use it.
I'm going to end on that. Have a great weekend! Seth is back Monday.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 6, 2011
For just a split second I considered calling these "blogologues," then I thought about how hard I'd want to punch myself in the face if I did that and I reconsidered.
To celebrate my lack of face-punching, I'm sharing another sketch. I dig this one a lot, and not just because it was insanely easy to shoot. Enjoy it! Spencer will delight and amaze you tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 5, 2011
Welcome to the great unbounded middle of the week. Can you feel it? Can you feel yourself riding the crest of the wave? If you can, you might want to make sure you're not actually surfing while reading this, as you might hurt yourself. Just a thought. Now let's look at jokes and stuff.
Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney called the Occupy Wall Street protest "class warfare." He then invested millions of dollars in foreign factories selling cheap goods to unemployed American workers and chalked it up to "rational self-interest." Then he kicked a puppy.
In other economic warfare news, China is threatening a trade war over American legislation aimed at getting China to re-value their currency. I hope China realizes that most of our financial disagreements end up getting settled with pepper spray these days.
Back to the GOP race, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie finally said yesterday that he will not be running for President in 2012 because of his commitment to New Jersey. Christie said he'll likely be through destroying the state in time for the 2016 race, though.
Johnny Depp revealed that when he was a broke, struggling actor, he would go to Scientology sessions for the $3 cash gift at the end. Oh, so The Tourist wasn't the first time you did something awful for money?
In other Johnny Depp news, the famed actor and religious icon said recently that having his picture taken is like being raped. It should be noted, in his defense, that he is almost always photographed by rapists.
In Detroit, the underpants bomber had a violent outburst during his trial yesterday, shouting about the U.S. being a cancer, blah blah blah. The judge then got to say "keep your pants on," which is of course what we were all thinking.
In Africa, Namibians celebrated this week as 20 skulls were returned from Germany, where they were brought over 100 years ago to be used in racist scientific experiments. So, even when Germany does something nice, it's still creepy as hell? Okay, just wanted to be clear.
And lastly, Angelina Jolie is considering a new role with the United Nations, but she'll need full script approval and points on the back end.
Okay, I think that's all I can do. Are we having fun yet? Hope so!
More stuff tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!
Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney called the Occupy Wall Street protest "class warfare." He then invested millions of dollars in foreign factories selling cheap goods to unemployed American workers and chalked it up to "rational self-interest." Then he kicked a puppy.
In other economic warfare news, China is threatening a trade war over American legislation aimed at getting China to re-value their currency. I hope China realizes that most of our financial disagreements end up getting settled with pepper spray these days.
Back to the GOP race, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie finally said yesterday that he will not be running for President in 2012 because of his commitment to New Jersey. Christie said he'll likely be through destroying the state in time for the 2016 race, though.
Johnny Depp revealed that when he was a broke, struggling actor, he would go to Scientology sessions for the $3 cash gift at the end. Oh, so The Tourist wasn't the first time you did something awful for money?
In other Johnny Depp news, the famed actor and religious icon said recently that having his picture taken is like being raped. It should be noted, in his defense, that he is almost always photographed by rapists.
In Detroit, the underpants bomber had a violent outburst during his trial yesterday, shouting about the U.S. being a cancer, blah blah blah. The judge then got to say "keep your pants on," which is of course what we were all thinking.
In Africa, Namibians celebrated this week as 20 skulls were returned from Germany, where they were brought over 100 years ago to be used in racist scientific experiments. So, even when Germany does something nice, it's still creepy as hell? Okay, just wanted to be clear.
And lastly, Angelina Jolie is considering a new role with the United Nations, but she'll need full script approval and points on the back end.
Okay, I think that's all I can do. Are we having fun yet? Hope so!
More stuff tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 4, 2011
Tuesday! Tuesday! Tuesday! Come on, let's get the energy up! Oh, screw it. Enjoy these jokes. I'm going to go drink some Vitamin Water and try to shake off the weekend. Okay.
We have some happy news in music this week, as celebrity "journalists" report that Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono are now on friendly terms. Good. I was getting sick of him making decent music.
After a deluge of questions about a possible presidential run, New Jersey governor Chris Christie will make a definitive announcement during an hourlong special on ESPN this Thursday.
In an interview this week, Roman Polanski said he "regretted" drugging and raping a 13 year-old girl 33 years ago, mainly because she just wasn't any good at having sex.
For the first time in years, Tiger Woods is no longer ranked in the top 50 golfers of the world. Now how's he supposed to get women?
In more music news, Courtney Love will be writing her memoirs. And by "writing" I mean "scrawling them on her arms, legs and stomach in permanent marker.
In international news, Russel Brand was recently denied entry to Canada. And that's how Canada avoided syphilis.
According to a 60 Minutes poll, only 35% of Americans know what GOP actually stands for. Most think it stands for small government and reasonable taxes. Ha! Oh, that's rich.
And lastly, Bank of America announced a new $5 monthly fee for bank cards. It's part of their strategy to make people so angry that pissed off mobs of customers burn down every Bank of America location so they can get the insurance money.
Well, that's all. Oh, I almost forgot: Hank Williams, Jr. is a dickhead.
Come back tomorrow for more finely-honed social satire. Until then, have a great day!
We have some happy news in music this week, as celebrity "journalists" report that Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono are now on friendly terms. Good. I was getting sick of him making decent music.
After a deluge of questions about a possible presidential run, New Jersey governor Chris Christie will make a definitive announcement during an hourlong special on ESPN this Thursday.
In an interview this week, Roman Polanski said he "regretted" drugging and raping a 13 year-old girl 33 years ago, mainly because she just wasn't any good at having sex.
For the first time in years, Tiger Woods is no longer ranked in the top 50 golfers of the world. Now how's he supposed to get women?
In more music news, Courtney Love will be writing her memoirs. And by "writing" I mean "scrawling them on her arms, legs and stomach in permanent marker.
In international news, Russel Brand was recently denied entry to Canada. And that's how Canada avoided syphilis.
According to a 60 Minutes poll, only 35% of Americans know what GOP actually stands for. Most think it stands for small government and reasonable taxes. Ha! Oh, that's rich.
And lastly, Bank of America announced a new $5 monthly fee for bank cards. It's part of their strategy to make people so angry that pissed off mobs of customers burn down every Bank of America location so they can get the insurance money.
Well, that's all. Oh, I almost forgot: Hank Williams, Jr. is a dickhead.
Come back tomorrow for more finely-honed social satire. Until then, have a great day!
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - October 3, 2011
Fall began last week, and here's some things you need to know to make sure your FALL doesn't become a FAIL. Puns are cool, right? Okay, here we go.
1. The jackasses who said spent all summer saying "hot enough for ya?" will now transition to "cold enough for ya?" Enjoy the variety.
2. For some reason, there will be another Kelsey Grammer show.
3. You're not quite cool enough to pull off a flannel wardrobe. Maybe next year, slugger.
4. The changing season has nothing to do with the Christian doctrine known as the Fall of Man, which explains how the first humans went from a state of obedience to God to a state of disobedience. It's just a coincidence that both Falls feature apples.
5. If you go swimming after the temperature drops, be sure to wear lots of layers to trap your body heat when you're in the water. Also, the warmer water is usually deeper. Trust me. Just keep looking for it.
6. Did you remember to apply to graduate school? It's either that or get a real job, hippie. But don't worry, there are still plenty of crappy schools who'll take students after the semester starts. But then again, you're probably too lazy to find them.
7. When planning your Halloween costume, stay away from "conceptual" costumes. Smiling and saying you're dressed as a "happy version" of yourself doesn't count.
8. Have you ever been out in a field at night with a scarecrow? Man, those things are creepy.
Okay, that's all. More timely funny stuff tomorrow. Till then, have a great day!
1. The jackasses who said spent all summer saying "hot enough for ya?" will now transition to "cold enough for ya?" Enjoy the variety.
2. For some reason, there will be another Kelsey Grammer show.
3. You're not quite cool enough to pull off a flannel wardrobe. Maybe next year, slugger.
4. The changing season has nothing to do with the Christian doctrine known as the Fall of Man, which explains how the first humans went from a state of obedience to God to a state of disobedience. It's just a coincidence that both Falls feature apples.
5. If you go swimming after the temperature drops, be sure to wear lots of layers to trap your body heat when you're in the water. Also, the warmer water is usually deeper. Trust me. Just keep looking for it.
6. Did you remember to apply to graduate school? It's either that or get a real job, hippie. But don't worry, there are still plenty of crappy schools who'll take students after the semester starts. But then again, you're probably too lazy to find them.
7. When planning your Halloween costume, stay away from "conceptual" costumes. Smiling and saying you're dressed as a "happy version" of yourself doesn't count.
8. Have you ever been out in a field at night with a scarecrow? Man, those things are creepy.
Okay, that's all. More timely funny stuff tomorrow. Till then, have a great day!
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