If you're like me, then I understand your pain. Also, you are keenly aware that the second season of The Walking Dead premiered last night, and that as fictional apocalypses go, it's a pretty good one. In honor of this artistic achievement and the fact that I really don't feel like making myself aware enough of the news this weekend in order to mock our world, I'm bringing you the eight things you need to know about the (fictional) zombie apocalypse.
1. The last remaining piece of human civilization remaining after the zombie apocalypse will be The Weather Channel.
2. Zombies will never appreciate how cool a shotgun sounds when you cock it. And that is just sad.
3. If you ever find Michael Jordan's head on the ground, look out. You're about to get attacked.
4. Zombies cannot drive, which is just one more thing they have in common with New Yorkers.
5. When zombies feed, they rarely if ever remember to floss.
6. If you're in the midst of a zombie outbreak, be sure to wear something nice, but also comfortable. Because after you get turned into a zombie, that's what you'll be stuck wearing for all eternity. Ironic t-shirts are to be avoided at all cost.
7. A zombie will never pay you back that money you lent it.
8. And finally, don't shoot Bob Dole. He's not actually a zombie. Yet.
Alright, that's all I've got. Hope you appreciate the weirdness. We'll be back to hard-hitting anti-journalism tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!
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